Disarray

25

"You can't tell Yoongi," he said, looking at my eyes intensely. "Please don't tell Yoongi. I don't need this to become bigger than it is."

"Tae, at least tell me what he did then," I said. 

"Nothing," Tae said bitterly. "He'd have to actually talk to me to do anything."

"He's ignoring you?" 

Tae nodded. "He... he did something that he regretted and then he stopped talking to me."

"What'd he do?" I asked. I felt a burning curiosity to finally know what had been going on. 

"I shouldn't say," Tae said after a while. 

"You can trust me," I said. I ran my hand up and down his arm soothingly. 

"He..." Tae shook his head. "I shouldn't say it." My fingers moved so slowly on his forearm and he visibly shuddered. 

"It's okay," I said. I could see his resolve breaking down.

"He kissed me," he muttered after a while. "He kissed me and now he wants to act like he's still straight and he's so insecure that he needs to avoid me."

His hand balled up in fist and his thumb fidgeted across his folded fingers. "I tried to get him to talk to me so many fucking times, but he refuses to."

I looked at him and felt my expression fall. He was finally letting his guard down and showing me how much it hurt. 

"I don't want to see him anymore," Tae said with his eyes downcast and his tone heavy with emotion. "I want to forget about him." He met my eyes suddenly. 

"Please don't tell him that I told you Jimin. Please. I just want to move on. I don't even like him in that way... like the kiss was nice, I'll admit, but I would be fine without it. I just wanted him to not shut me out, but that's not happening and it sucks, but I really just want to forget about this whole mess. I have other friends and I don't need him. I can't be waiting for him to figure himself out and I'm not letting him cheat on his girlfriend any more so he can live out his secret desires with me."

I took in his words and agreed after a moment of thought. I didn't like not interfering and trying to help him somehow, but I respected his decision. 

"Goodnight Tae," I said minutes later when we were back at my dorm and ready to part ways.

"Goodnight Jimin," he said, leaning to give me a soft kiss on my cheek before leaving to his own room. 

I walked inside of mine and found Namjoon still awake, sitting in his desk with a book in front of him. I couldn't help but feel some anger towards him now that I knew that he's the one that had made Tae cry. No wonder he'd looked so guilty when Hoseok had told us about it. 

"Hey, you're back," Namjoon said when he looked up. 

"Yea." I walked across and started to change into something more comfortable to sleep in. 

"Did you have fun?" he asked. 

"Yea." I finished changing and then went to stand next to him, putting my hand on his desk and leaning forward towards him. I'd told Tae that I wouldn't tell Namjoon, but it was so not. 

"That's good," he said, turning to look at me.

"You know how Tae and I were fighting?" I asked. He looked a little surprised by the way I suddenly brought it up, but he nodded after a few seconds.

"Tae said some shit to me... and it really hurt me. You know, it really hurts when people act so carelessly towards your emotions," I said slowly. "But it kind of hurts a lot more when they ignore you. Like the silence... it just kills you." I hoped I wasn't being too obvious. I just wanted him to get the message without saying it directly. 

Namjoon didn't say anything, but the way he lowered his eyes let me know that his mind was going where I wanted it to. 

"I think Tae was just mean because he was upset about something else though. Do you have any idea what it could have been?" I asked. 

He shook his head. "No, sorry."

I gave him a bitter smile. "It's okay. Either way, we fixed things now. We talked things out. It's so important to do that, you know? Rather than just ignoring someone and making them feel like shit, you can talk about things."

Namjoon pursed his lips, but remained silent.

"Anyways, I think there's still something wrong with Tae. He was smiling today, but it didn't really reach his eyes." Namjoon glanced at me and I could see the guilt plaguing his expression. "Someone hurt him, I think. And the person won't fix things. And it's hurting him a lot."

"Maybe whoever it was is scared," Namjoon suddenly spoke.

"Maybe... but should Tae have to suffer because the other person is too scared?" I narrowed my eyes at him.

"Of course not," Namjoon said. "Tae doesn't deserve that. But maybe he also doesn't deserve the other person either. Maybe it'll be better off in the long run if he just gives up on whatever asshole is ignoring him."

I looked at him carefully. "It's not that simple to just forget someone. Even if he's given up, he'll be hurting for a long, long time." I sighed. "I just hope that whoever it is, that they do the right thing and talk to Tae. If they really care about him." I felt bad for making him feel even worse, but I hoped it served as a nudge in the right direction.

Namjoon just looked down at his book. 

"I'm going to get ready for bed already," I said. I quickly brushed my teeth and then cleared up my bed.

"Do you mind using your lamp?" I asked.

He shook his head. I turned off the light and he turned on the desk lamp so he could keep studying. 

"Night," he said as I got under the covers.

"Goodnight."