18- sounding the horn

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the coffee this morning was especially good. i talked to piper on the phone as i brewed it, the steam rising, warm and sweet as i hear piper's voice over the phone. i talked while getting ready: washing my face, getting dressed, and doing my hair. it's incredible how immensely different the sound of someone's voice can make your day. i hang up before leaving the house and i feel her presence linger over me.

beethoven's 9th symphony hums in my ears on the way to work. i'm wearing the earrings piper bought me and i keep bringing my hand up to touch them on my ear, feeling a constant reminder of her. there is a small amount of sweetness, a flutter of the heart each time i remember. that these earrings were once touched by her hands. that my ears have been touched by her voice. that my lips have been touched by her lips. they feel like small miracles.

i remember back when we were seventeen. we climbed on rooftops and snuck out at night. piper would talk about parties she's been to. i would talk about the books i've read. my dad and my stepmom paid little attention to me. my dad was always working and my stepmom always preoccupied with the younger kids. piper and i would just do anything. climb on roofs, run off at night, loiter in various parking lots, whisper and giggle in the history section of the library, and walk endlessly through the summer suburban maze. nothing could stop us then, it felt like. it was a freedom i had never felt before. it was a freedom i rarely felt since. it feels like such a luxury now, to be free. but then, it felt like forever. just me and her.

i can recall these memories with comfort now. they don't make me ache like they used to. a longing for the past doesn't hurt me anymore. for once, i feel at peace with everything. as if nothing could go wrong. as if i could finally let my guard down and just exist. stop fighting.

i enter the building, heels clicking on the shiny floors. my pace is quick and light hearted. everything seems to glow to me today. my coworkers are talking in a group as they do in the morning. one of them is showing something on her phone.

"good morning." i say to them in a friendly manner and they all turn to me.

"morning," some of them echo to me and i feel a strange energy creep up my spine.

"hey, is this you?" my coworker asks me, showing me her phone screen. perplexed, i look closer to read the headline of the news article.

who is this girl piper mclean was seen with?

and a picture of us holding hands and kissing in the street, walking in line to see the symphony. half my face is turned but just enough for me to be recognizable. we both look so happy in the photo. if it weren't for the circumstance, it would be a nice photo.

"what?" the word slips out of my mouth as suddenly, i feel a red-hot chaos draw over me. my own voice sounds muffled under the ringing in my ears. my body suddenly doesn't feel like it's mine.

"right there." she zooms in on the photo with her fingers. you can even see the earrings i was wearing that day. how i am smiling, happy as ever. how my hand is gripping piper's. "that's you, right?" she asks.

oh my god.

oh my god.

oh my god.

chasing an illusion - pipabethWhere stories live. Discover now