A memory can be a marvellous getaway, but you must never make a home there.
I need you to pinpoint the precise moment the idea of dying became more beautiful to you than how you feel when you look into your own reflection. When your friends and family first begun to cover their ears and avert their eyes as thought your tears were nails down a chalkboard. When every inch and fibre of your being first begun to scream at its own existence. Now, dismantle it. Tear it to goddamn pieces. Know that every breath you take is a triumph. That the beating in your heart is like a clenched fist raised to the world as its witness, chanting, 'I made it. I made it. I made it.'
There are worlds in you, and I have fallen in love with every one.
Oh darling, do not be ashamed of the way you cry for him. It does not give him the power over you. Like the great floods of old you are simply washing yourself of wickedness, and soon he will be forgotten.
I'm not afraid of commitment. I'm afraid of surrendering control too quickly—of placing my heart into hands that won't know how to hold it.
I rarely open up. I don't like to feel vulnerable or be misunderstood. But now and then I get to talking to somebody and something about them just resonates with me—whether total stranger or old friend, in their presence, I feel a certain safety, a rare calm, and everything comes gushing out.
Please, do not mistake my tendency to be private and standoffish for either sheepishness or arrogance. Once you get to know me, you'll find I'm both lively and kind. These high walls aren't here because I want to keep the whole world out. I'm just very particular about who I invite back to mine.
We don't mean to hurt each other but we do. And perhaps no matter how right we are for each other, we'll always be a little too wrong.
Goodbyes take a great deal of courage, but what takes even more is the Hello that comes next. To cast your aversions aside despite all you have suffered and take a chance on somebody new. To risk it all again because you know human connection is precious and rare and always worth the risk.
I am a loner at heart, though you wouldn't know it. I regularly make an effort to leave the house and mingle, and when I do, I endeavor to appear both approachable and friendly. However, in the back of my mind, there always lies this dull steady ache, begging me to leave.
❤️
'My heart beats in almosts. It's constantly in pursuit of those whom it desires, but the moment it comes too close, it recoils and trembles, stops dead in its tracks, and bolts in the opposite direction. I hold onto what makes me miserable and let the good things go. I'm self-destructive,' I said. 'It's the way I've always been.'
'And why do you think that is?'
'Because it's easier to destroy something you love,' I said, 'Than it is to watch it leave.'
❤️
It certainly wasn't love, but we carried the same scars and sometimes that is close enough.
I gave you a second chance. I ran back into the burning house to save the things I loved.
There are a few things in life so beautiful they hurt: swimming in the ocean while it rains, reading alone in empty libraries, the sea of stars that appear when you're miles away from the neon lights of the city, bars after 2am, walking in the wilderness, all the phases of the moon, the things we do not know about the universe, and you.
Settle your heart, child, your time will come. One of these days you will meet eyes with someone who makes you feel so at home in the world you will think to yourself, Ah, there you are.
It's a frightening thought, that in one fraction of a moment you can fall in the kind of love that takes a lifetime to get over.
Be careful. There are people out there who will look at your love only as a place to put their pain.
