Mina

Dreaming

I hung my gown up after sitting with Penny and Carla and watching the ceremony over again. Penny had reacted exactly how I knew she would only now I couldn't tell if it was an act or if she was genuinely proud of me. Mike and Kat had bought me dinner, something they had always insisted on doing whenever I was with them.

I was sad when I finally parted ways with them. I knew they meant it when they told me they'd see me soon and asked me to stop and visit anytime but I couldn't help this feeling of finality that washed over me. Like it was the last time I'd ever go out with the Richards' family to celebrate. That it was the last time I'd ever go out with the closest thing I had to a real family.

I let out a yawn, changing out of the dress I had worn and into a pair of yoga pants and Max's shirt.

Remembering the letter Carla had given me, I pulled it from my purse where I had stowed it and tore open the envelope.

I scanned the front of the card before opening it. A check fell into my lap but what caught my attention was my aunt's handwriting scrawled across the inside page.

Mina,
There's so many things I wished I'd done differently in my life. But one of my biggest regrets was helping Penny keep you from your dad even though I knew she was wrong. I'm sorry it took me so long to give you the letters from your dad. You have a new one, check your top drawer in your dresser. I love you and I'm so proud of you.

Aunt Carla

I flew off the bed, my aunt's card and check tumbling to the floor as I dashed to my dresser. I yanked open the drawer, rifling through my balled up socks until I found an envelope buried beneath them all.

It was a plain white envelope, like all the others but this time there wasn't a return address or even my address. Just my name, in his now familiar penmanship scrawled across it.

When had my heart started to slam in my chest?

I took a deep breath, trying to steady my breathing. This letter wouldn't change anything. It couldn't change anything. Just like the rest of them.

I tore it open, pulling out the folded piece of paper inside. It felt so familiar.

Dear Mina,

I can't express in words how proud I am of you. The woman you're becoming. Your aunt has filled me in recently on all that you've accomplished. I wished I would have known sooner so I could have been there to support and help you.

Carla also mentioned that you've only recently had possession of the letters I've been writing you. Please know that everything I've wrote to you is exactly how I feel. I would love an opportunity to see you again and to be apart of your life but I understand that I've been absent from your life for a very long time.

Just know, my angel, that you've always been in my thoughts and one of the proudest moments of my life was watching you graduate. I love you.

Love, dad

I wiped at the tears that were falling down my cheeks, no doubt taking the little bit of makeup I had on with them.

What could my life have been like had I known about the letters? What could it have been like if I could just toss one of the many that I wrote into the mailbox? Or shown up at his door?
What could it have been like without Penny as a mother?

Would I have been able to trust someone? Other than myself? Would Max and Chelsea know about the letters? About how Penny had kept them from me? Would I let myself fall in love?

It felt like even more weight had been added to my shoulders and my knees were about to buckle and there was absolutely nothing to catch me.  That I was alone in the world, suffering heartache and grief only to turn the corner and have more added.

It would have been nice, feeling like someone was there. That I could count on someone. That one person wouldn't hurt me, wouldn't lie.

My phone vibrated from where I had discarded it on my nightstand. I reached for it, my vision blurry from all the tears that were swelled in them and spilling down my face relentlessly.

Savas: how was your post grad dinner?

Owen.

I smiled through my tears, thinking back to dinner with Max and Chelsea and their families.

Me: loud

Savas: I can only imagine

Me: did you go out?

Savas: yeah just my dad, Jase and my grandparents

My breath shook as I tried to inhale. I always struggled in moments like this. I wanted Owen to keep talking, to keep distracting me. But I couldn't ask him too. I couldn't let him in.

Savas: you looked beautiful today

My heart leaped in my chest, something I hated admitting that it did when Owen said something sweet or casually reached out and touched me. But it happened, even though I was desperately trying to stop it.

Me: thank you

Savas: I don't think I've ever seen you wear your hair down

I had actually tried to put in some effort this morning, knowing there'd be endless pictures and everyone else would be dressed up, celebrating. But the moment I walked into the door afterward, I had wrapped an elastic around it pulling it back from my face.

Me: don't get used to it.

Savas: lol

Savas: I won't

Savas: besides the pony tail has grown on me

He was flirting, or trying to.

Me: you're obnoxious

Savas: you keep saying that

I shook my head, allowing my heart to beat hard in my chest, my mind to momentarily forget the hurt and doubts that were engrained it. I let myself smile, warmth spreading through my body as I basked in Owen's attention.

It could never be real.

But while I sat there, my cheeks still stained from tears, I allowed myself a small moment of dreaming.

Dreaming didn't hurt nearly as much as the real thing could.

                             ———————

Guys. I love you.