It All Started With a Diary

truth|part 2

His gaze skipped over the grass. "I feel like I'm failing somedays," he admitted in a gentle tone. "If you say one thing that I don't like, something that wasn't even meant to intentionally hurt me... I want to return it tenfold. I-I don't like that, I don't want to do that. Every day since Kacen died, it's gotten harder. When I open my eyes in the morning, I want to go back to sleep. I don't want to make anyone hurt."

"Every time that I tried to speak about it, there was..." he looked up, his Adam's apple bobbing in his throat. I nodded for him to continue. "Something that just told me to shut the fuck up. As selfish as it was, I didn't want you to leave. I didn't want to scare you off."

"I wanted to wait until I'd gotten a little more...under control," he mumbled. "Aunt Caylee told me it's normal, that it's fine to feel alright one day, then fucked the next day. Except, I don't want it. I don't want to be like that. Not now, when I have you to think about."

"When Susie first took me to a psychiatrist, I heard them speaking. She warned her that it was best to enter me into an institution before I hit my teen years, then send me back during sophomore year if I got out of hand," his jaw tightened. "Later that night, I heard her speaking with my dad. My dad called me 'a disgrace', and I remember that they both agreed it'd be best to send me away before I hit eighth grade. They both were careful to not let it slip. I was a kid, but I wasn't naive. I knew when my mom offered me drinks, she'd slipped the pills into the cup."

My head cocked. "Your mom did that?" I whispered.

His eyes raised to meet mine, before he nodded to confirm it. "She's not as innocent as she pretends to be."

A portion of my mind understood his anger towards his mom. A mother was supposed to protect their child, they were supposed to hold them as tight as they could, and try to never let them witness the dark side of the world. She hadn't done that, even if she was scared, Kade didn't see it that way.

He crossed his arms. "BPD, it has a strong hold over me. It brings me to the realization that you will leave. That you're worthy of someone better. Not of someone who can't get his emotions together, or of a relationship in where you don't know how I'll be that day. Some days, I'll want to push you away, to just stay locked up in my room. Other days, I'll want to have you around, I'll want to smother you with every single thing that I can think of. I don't want to put you through that."

My heart hung by its strings at his words. I knew that I should have taken them into consideration, but it was too late. The old me probably would have been on the first plane out of here. But, we were in the present now. Not the past. Things were different now. We were different.

I knew that this would be a challenge. A part of me was fearful, yet the other side overpowered the fear. The domination consisted of care, and love for this man in front of me.

I managed to move closer, though the space between our bodies still created a shift. "Do you really think I would change my mind about you because of something that doesn't define you?"

"Kimberly..." he mumbled, attempting to shrink away from my touch. "I don't want to put you—"

I grasped his hands oncemore. "Kade, I know you. You're not a disorder, or a disgrace. You're a person, who was placed in a bad situation. It's you that gets to decide what you make of it."

I continued with, "I think...no, I know that you want to be happy. And, you can be. Nothing is easy, nothing has ever been for either of us, but we've made it through. That's what we do, and we'll do it for this, too." My fingers grazed the hard muscles of his jaw. "BPD...it's something that you can't ignore. But, trust me when I say you aren't fucked up in the head, or broken, Kade. It doesn't change how I feel."