Rogue

Chapter 45

Everytime I think about this place, I feel like I'm living in it all over again - I confess and by the way my insides coil, I know it's mutal. I feel like I'm on all fours again and all I can do is hurt others.

That's not going to go away Jayson - Roger says sympathetically. None of that will ever go away.

So how do I deal with it? - I ask helplessly. Wanting and wishing to all hell that I could vanquish every moment out here from my mind.

You don't. You live with it, live with it in the same manner you live with everything we did. You live with it.

I wanted to cry. Wanted to cry because everytime I feel asleep I saw some aspect of it again. Either my sister or my father, on hard nights, my mother. I saw the ones I'd hurt, felt the force of their will to live, heard their screams for mercy.

On the worst nights, I saw Levi. Saw him being dragged away from me, saw him crying and screaming for me. I felt the pain, not the physical...physical always faded. I felt the other one, the one which tore me inside out, the one that left me empty with self loathing, the one that destroyed me. The one that reminded me of how I'd lost him, when I promised to never leave him.

Sometimes I relived it all, and I was just supposed to live with it. I suppose that was the best punishment, best way to atone for the sins I'd commited... the pain I caused to so many.

It'll hurt less when you're back there, when you're building everything back - Roger says and I frown slightly.

We. When we're back there - I correct him.

Yeah, w-when we're finally home... at peace - He replies and so we sit.

We sit and watch, reminiscing while trying to forget... we sit. And we pray, pray for a better beginning somewhere else.

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Mélanie Laurent - Début (listen to song for rest of entire chapter)

I shut the truck of the car before turning to look at everyone. I lean against the door as a weak smile settles on my lips.

Nothing filled my ears but the sound of their misery. They sobbed, whimpered... cried, cried like I'd never seen anyone cry before as they held onto a piece of their family that was drifting away.

All eyes were wet. Every single one of them crying, even Damon despite the deep frown that laid on his face as he did so. The six of them were surrounding him, holding him like the precious jewel he was and Levi... Levi was just as broken.

He stood in the middle of all of them, gripping onto any piece of them he could and sobbed. He never told them about how much it hurt him to be touched like that, never told them the agony it caused him to just feel their skin brush against his. So they squeezed him so tight and he squeezed them back in this moment as if it didn't kill him to do so.

Eventually, they pull apart and look at one another. Silently, Josey steps up and wraps her arms around his waist. She squeezed him tight and he hugs her back with equal strength as tears cascaded down his cheeks.

"It's not all that bad." She mumbles against him. "It's not that bad because this isn't goodbye, this is just... see you soon."

"Yeah, it's see you soon." Levi agrees through a small sob. "I'll see you soon Josephine."