An Unexpected Turn| Michael Jackson

Chapter Fourteen: A Risky Decision

POV: Michael March 9, 1992

I was avoiding him. It had been a couple of weeks since the last time I saw Nicholas, and I decided that it was best to cut all forms of communication between us. He had been blowing up my phone ever since I left his house in a rush that night, and I at times caught myself becoming tempted to answer. After the fifth day of calling and leaving voice messages, that I deleted, he finally stopped. However, me being the indecisive idiot that I am, I became a little upset that he stopped calling. As selfish as that is, I can't deny that I liked the fact that he kept trying to get in contact with me, it made me feel like he cared. But I knew this was wrong, what we did that night was unacceptable and completely out of character on my part.

That was my very first experience being intimate with a man, and I don't know how to feel. I've always been taught that homosexuality was wrong, although I never judged my friends or people I have interacted with for being that way, I just never saw myself living that lifestyle. I've always been attracted to women, and I don't have a problem with acknowledging that a man is good-looking when I see one. But feelings have never been involved, until now.

In the meantime, I was pushing all thoughts of that subject to the back of my mind, because as usual, I had bigger problems to deal with. My asshole of a manager was very adamant about me returning to Neverland to get started on a new album, and today was the last day I would be staying in my comfortable private hotel room, before going back home into the hands of vultures. Oliver was trying to make the best out of our couple of weeks of freedom, while I sulked in my bedroom drowning in my own crazy thoughts. My sleep pattern was out of whack again, and I was scared to fall asleep; dreams of my past situations that I feard would return once I got back home jolted me awake, while Nicholas's image carved into my imaginations, kept me pondering through long hours of the night. I couldn't catch a break, no matter how hard I tried I always found my way into some type of dilemma.

I just want to be happy for once. I want to possess a love that I can cherish forever with someone who loves me for me unconditionally. I just want peace, I want a family of my own... Is that too much to ask for?

I knew Nicholas couldn't give me that for many reasons. He had everything I always wanted; a wife, and a family, yet he kissed me. I can't say I knew what he felt during the kiss, It was raw passionate and lustful, but something was off, maybe it was the guilt but I couldn't read him. I couldn't tell what he was feeling, which worried me. I remember he wanted me to stay but I knew he wasn't serious, we were both too caught up in the moment, and weren't thinking rationally. Remembering the kiss was nerve-wracking, remembering that he wanted me was amazing. These two conflicting feelings only made things worse.

"Ugh! I'm so stupid!" I growled into my pillow as I laid in bed buried under the fluffy comforter. Everything was almost finished being packed and ready to go for tomorrow, even though I refused to get out of bed. I'm honestly hoping that some miracle can keep from leaving. Oliver didn't seem to mind my laziness, he offered to finish the rest of the packing to let me rest before returning, however, the little rest I was trying to get wouldn't make much of a difference. They were going to milk me for everything I was worth, work me until my mind couldn't help me think straight, and until my body was drained significantly, and I couldn't do anything about it. If only my fans knew what I was going through, if only they knew what it took to get on stage and put on a show every night for an album created under so much pressure.

Don't get me wrong, music will always be my first love, but I wish I just had control. I want to do things my way on my time, I'm the artist for goodness sake, I think I have that right. I groaned again aggressively throwing the covers over my head to hide from the world. Unfortunately, that's not how things worked in my world... My job was to be a very good puppet, and if I did what I was told, the money would roll in. Money wasn't a top priority for me, but it was the only thing they cared about.