Diary of the "MOM" in the group

Dani

                                                                                         Chapter 1

To: Dani

Fr: "Mom"

Dear Dani,

Know that I love you and this is by no means to make you feel bad. I just want to help you understand some of the feelings I have kept hidden for so long. I get it, you're my best friend and I should feel comfortable about telling you these everyday feelings. In reality, I just don't feel comfortable doing so because everyone is always quick to tell me "you're strong", "we don't have to worry about you because your feelings never get hurt", or "she has a heart made of ice and steel". I can't express how hurtful and suppressing those words are every time I hear them. Sometimes, I'm ready to tell you and the girls all of the doubts and fears I have in my mind and then I hear one of those phrases. It's like a wall that stops everything I want to say and sooner or later it becomes a dam. Honestly, the real question is when will that dam break?

For me, it's 10 years later when I have become tired of being consoled with "your strong" and that "nothing could ever break my heart". That is a lie. It's all a lie. No matter how tough I may act and straight-faced or angry I may seem, I feel too. Sometimes, I am terrified and scared. I may want someone to lean on but because it is so foreign to me, I could never imagine doing it. Honestly, I hadn't realized I had become comfortable portraying a facade. I hadn't realized it until suddenly one day I had no one to speak to.

Whenever I opened my mouth to voice my concerns it had become a surprise that I could ever face something. A surprise that I could cry, hurt, scream, feel embarrassed, humiliated, and torn. I'm not sure why this a shock to you but I just want to stress the fact that I am human too. I want to stress that when you look over my feelings, it pushes me further away from you. I distance myself because I don't believe you will ever take my feelings seriously. That one day when I do decide to share with you, you will joke around and suddenly I'll never speak to you again. So then, I don't talk about it because I don't want to lose the friends that were always around me. Familiarity I guess but I like to think that we are family. Right?

I cry when everyone is gone because that is when I feel most comfortable. I cry in the dark, preferably when it is raining so no one can hear me. Silently crying has become second nature to me. Sharing the surface troubles and never anything deep has been my mantra. It's scary to change it. It's frightening to acknowledge to you guys that I don't feel as comfortable as I should. It's hurtful to accept it because I want to pretend for a little while longer that we are a lot closer than it seems. Honestly, this is only half of what I am feeling right now. In order to understand me more you would need to read the next 5 parts. In order to do that you will have to gather at my home.

Love,

"Mom"