Thoughts of an Awkward Teenage Girl

UnBEElievable

5 July - 2:41am
I'm literally going to combust, oh my actual God. So, does anyone remember the tall, blue-eyed boy I wrote about in a previous chapter?
He's still incredibly attractive...
Like, INCREDIBLY attractive.
...
Wow. Just.
So hot, I can't even put it into words.
And I thought he wasn't good for me because we couldn't talk about that deep stuff, but I think that's all changing.
I literally have such a problem where I rebound from crush to crush all the time just because I get bored or uninterested quicker than I'd like to admit, but this guy legit keeps drawing me back.
I keep trying to get rid of this crush but then out of the blue he'll wink at me all cute when I'm walking past, or walk with me to a class or text me first (which is something that never happens to me. I always have to instigate conversations with people, even when I know they're interested).
We legit just had a 30 minute conversation consisting solely of bee puns. And I'm still BUZZING.
...
Sorry :)
...
My gut is telling me that he's not interested, because he's really close to this girl and I feel like they're so cute together and I'm insanely jealous. Oh, and he was making out with this girl I know at a party 2 or so weeks ago.
And, I mean, this girl full on makes out with everyone, including my very gay guy friend, and I wasn't at the party so I dunno what kind of situation it was.
But I feel like I have to be pretty cautious and so I'm not putting all my cards on the table just yet. I'm just talking to him and seeing what happens, I guess.
But he stayed up this late to talk to me, and is being all cute, so I don't know what to think anymore.
Plus, this is my final year of highschool. It's not like I'm looking for some huge relationship right now because I'm so stressed and busy.
He just makes me really happy, but also confused.
Damn damn damn damn.

Why does he have to be SO HOT?!

Okay, advice time: I've recently been going to the school counsellors for my general and social anxiety. I'm only 2 sessions in, but I can't stress enough how helpful they are and have been for me.
The main thing that has been helping me is having someone that knows their shit give me advice, because while my parents or friends or teachers could say that exact same thing to me and I'd ignore it, having someone qualified and knowledgeable about mental health tell me that stuff just hits differently.
Also, having weekly sessions is really helping me make sure I implement that advice, because I don't want to dissapoint her when she checks up on me the coming week. And given that I find it hard to stick to a routine etc, the counselling is really forcing me to be disciplined and stick to it.
I always used to think my anxiety was not extreme enough to visit a psychologist, but in reality, I was so anxious that I was even anxious that these feelings I was feeling weren't even anxiety (thus also preventing me from seeking help).
If you're thinking about talking to someone, do it. No matter how scary it is for you or how little you think your problem is, having a conversation about your feelings can help to heal your soul in ways you may not have thought you even needed.
No problem is insignificant. If it's bothering you, that's enough reason to seek help.
Plus they are professionals who have seen thousands of people at their absolute worsts, so nothing you do or say will freak them out (unless you tell them you're going to murder someone, in which case, um, that might not go down so well). There's nothing embarrassing about it at all.

Okay rant over, I want to die. It's 3am...