Corvus (Stars and Sails, Book 1)

Thirty-five

Amelia Rose slammed the cabin door closed. Suzaku, her roommate, was up on deck, meaning that she had five or ten minutes to just be herself. Within a minute, her hands were reaching up under her shirt and unraveling the bandages that tamped her breasts down. As the length unraveled, her breathing eased, and her ribs pulsated. She collapsed onto her cot, the length of bandage trailing from her hands.

"Ah," She breathed. "Oh my gods." She rolled over, her hat falling off and looked up at the ceiling. The room was dark, save for a few slivers of light coming up from under the door. She enjoyed what breathing she could.

Amelia Rose had met Jade Harris already. In fact, she was a little jealous. Part of her wished she could be that free, but the other half of her didn't know what freedom was. It didn't feel like Amelia Rose, but being Dirty Jim felt oppressive too. If she went out there and rushed telling everyone the truth, then she could never go back and see how good it felt to be somebody else. And then, she'd never know the truth.

She breathed in deep then pushed it all out, letting her body relax outside of the confines of her bandaging. Sometimes when they had her climbing the rigging and doing heavy lifting, she thought all her ribs would just snap in half. Maybe she just didn't have a high pain tolerance, although she seemed to remember her corseted wedding dress not hurting so much.

The door slid open and Amelia Rose's heart jumped. "Oh!" She jumped too, sitting up quickly in bed as Suzaku entered the room. Immediately, Amelia Rose's hands were back under her shirt trying to fix the bandages back over her chest. He gave her a curious look before closing the door.

"Oh my gods," Amelia Rose gasped before clamping a hand over her mouth. Immediately, her hands were pressed over her chest, protecting her modesty. It wasn't like there was much to see, especially with the baggy shirt covering her up, but Amelia Rose had never not worn something for support. And you didn't just start in front of a random naval lieutenant. You didn't do that. Not where she came from at least.

Suzaku opened his mouth to say something before closing it again. "I'm so sorry," he said.

"No, I—" Amelia Rose laughed curtly at the whole situation. She just wanted to run away from herself, but she couldn't even go a few days without another person catching her in her lie. It was strange though. It felt terrifying, but part of it felt good like maybe she didn't have to keep trying so hard anymore. For what? To be Dirty Jim? Who wanted to be Dirty Jim? She hated him. In fact, she was him, and she hated him. He was so...so...so...uninspired.

Amelia Rose laughed again, but this time, something in her chest hurt a little, because it wasn't really that funny. None of it was that funny. Being Amelia Rose was wrought with its own very inspired problems, problems that she didn't want either. "No, I'm sorry."

Suzaku looked like he was smiling the tiniest bit, but before Amelia Rose could really tell, he turned around and lit the lantern. "I won't say anything, I promise."

Amelia Rose stood up. "You won't?"

He looked back at her, his face serious. "No, no. How could I?" His eyes drifted to the floor, where the bandages Amelia Rose had used lay. He walked over and picked them up. His nose wrinkled. The ugly fact was that those things didn't smell great. They'd been holding her in place for a long time while she did men's work. That thing was sweat-soaked and smelling worse than a cow with indigestion. To make matters worse, it had originally been used on horses.

"How long have you been wearing this?"

Amelia Rose shook her head. "The days melted together. I don't remember anymore."