Mending Ryan Falls ✓

39 | in which she holds him

The present and the past coexist,
They make us who we are.
Good or bad.
We're made of all that and more.

.\.|./.

Crystal Monroe

| in which she holds him |

Rape victim ...

When I hear the words, I imagine a young girl in the shadows, perhaps hiding her bruises and wiping her tears. What I do not imagine is the God-like man I have come to know as Ryan Falls.

I stare at him, unable to believe a word that comes out of his mouth. The small space of the motel-room closes in around me, suffocating me and blocking out everything but Ryan's voice; his trembling voice, hushed as if he's afraid of even the walls hearing him.

Yet he's telling me.

And I don't know what to say.

"I was seven when I became a boy-scout," he's saying, his gaze rooted on his own hands. "Martin Grey was the loveable scouter. Parents respected him and kids looked up to him, including me. At first, he trained us, acted like he loved us and called us a family. Sometimes, he'd take us back to his house, and we'd sit there while he baked us cookies. He said that he only took in the best of the batch for special training. So when he picked me, I was pretty excited. I was the best of the batch, and going to get special training by the man himself. The liar ..."

Ryan closes his eyes and bows his head, while I sit frozen on the bed in front of him. No words come to my mind but even if I could speak, what would I say? What am I supposed to say?

"He took me into the basement and turned the lights off," Ryan goes on, his voice carrying over to me over the wind. "He said ... he said he was going to train me how to handle a predatory attack. It was a privilege and ..." He takes a deep breath. "He tied my hands and blind-folded me, telling me I would have to know what's going on by using my other senses. 'Play dead,' he said. 'The more you struggle, the worse it will hurt,' he warned. I didn't know what to think. Until it happened. I didn't just play dead. I died that day."

My heart jumps into my throat, my stomach flipping over. I lower my gaze, unable to look at Ryan anymore. His words don't make sense, or perhaps I don't want them to. Everything I have believed about the world comes crashing down, destroying the perfect image of humans Ryan's smile and kindness have created in my mind.

"I cried and I screamed, but there was no one to help. No one was there. No one heard me. 'Training,' he said, but that was the only time he lied to me. After that, it was always 'the normal way to learn about sex'. It's natural, Ryan,' he said. 'All kids here go through it,' he lied."

Ryan takes a deep breath but I'm holding mine, my lips sealed tight. I'm afraid that if I move, if I even breathe, I would break down and be unable to put my pieces back together.

"I didn't know what to think," he says. "My life changed, but that was just the beginning. There was no one I could ask for help. My mom, she didn't care. I told her I wanted to quit scouting, but she couldn't let her initiation fee go to waste. My dad might have cared if he ever found out. He never did."

Suddenly, I hate Ryan's parents. I hate everyone he knew. I hate the entire city of LA, the state of California, the universe that couldn't stop the cruelty that he faced. And I hate myself for being a part of this world.

We claim to be the superior creature, humans. We're supposed to be God's beloved, the evolved form of all species. We have brains and hearts, and yet ... when humans stoop low, they're worse than animals. I never considered it before, not until now. Not until Ryan.