Adventures Of A Female Loner

The Coward & The Unicorn pt. 3

Ah, high school. It was really the time for growing up and trying to find yourself. At the start of grade 8, I was an outcast. Despite being an academic scholarship student, I had only gotten 50% on my first maths test. The difference between my public school education and this private one was too big to ignore. I had to work twice as hard to catch up to them because I was disadvantaged. Money could buy a better education and their parents did. I was also struggling to fit into this new crowd of students whom I shared little to nothing in common with. They would talk about their adventures in other countries, music concerts they'd go to, or parties where they'd drink, make out and have fun. I didn't have the money to do those things and I didn't have the time to think about boys or crushes. Yet, I was still trying to fit into this recluse crowd of kids who grew up with each other, and also trying to study hard to retain my scholarship to prove them all wrong: That I was someone to watch out for, and not someone to make fun of. At the time, I didn't think about how Daniel felt at all, and I guess that was one of the main reasons we never got together. My only consolation, was by the end of high school, I had proven my self-worth.

Grade 8 flew by. By the end of it, I was tied at number four at academics, and I had secured a group of friends who were also mostly scholarship students, or outcasted themselves. Em was one of them, having moved in from Taiwan in grade 5 and speaking very little english, was a victim of this privileged bullying.

After the school holiday, which I spent most of the time working with my parents as a delivery assistant in our home business, I started grade 9 with renewed energy to achieve more and be better than I was in grade 8. Surprisingly, when I got back to school, I was treated differently. I was treated better. I realised how much power academic status gave a person. People actually respected me and wanted to be my friend now. However, I still kept my original group, Dee and Em, close and always had a soft spot for other outcasts. By the end of grade 9, I had placed 3rd academically overall, which funny enough made me out rank my "buddy" from grade 8. Before I knew it, I was moving to senior high.

*****

Senior high. The vibe in senior high was completely different to junior high. Finally, we got to choose the subjects we wanted to take and ditch the ones we didn't. I ditched history, geography, and isiZulu in favour of visual arts, biology, and physics . I particularly loved visual arts. I had to part ways from Em and Dee who took accounting instead of visual arts, but it was a blessing in disguise. In the visual arts lessons, I met really interesting individuals who weren't so obsessed with social status or racist like my junior high class, and I realised I was talented in something else other than academics. In visual arts, I found a group of weirdos who made me feel okay to be a weirdo.

In grade 10, I grew out of my shell. I finally got rid of the thin-rimmed glasses for a thick hipster looking pair from Hong Kong. I started to shave my legs, and embrace my artistic side. I joined the choir and spoke my mind and soon, I was pretty popular for being me. I had ditched the long black tight pony tail at the end of grade 8 for a pixie cut of varying styles (from chic layered cuts to low-cut bowls) before it became trendy in pop culture, but now in grade 10, my hair was longer again and I was styling it however I wanted to. I got invited to a sweet 16 party, and drank my first alcoholic drink at a social function (To be honest, my first alcoholic drink was given to me during my younger years by my family so this was just celebrating the "giving in" to the peer pressure side of it). Grade 10 was probably the year I hit "puberty", and made awesome memories in high school. I was finally feeling like me, and loving it.

In junior high, I had my fair share of suitors other than Daniel. I was confessed to by one of the guys who also did chess club about two years back. He told me, he had a crush on me throughout high school, but knew he had no chance. He gave me a keychain figurine samurai sword as a random gift when I was in grade 9. I should've known then about his feelings, but I didn't. Suitor B asked me out to the campfire get-together during grade 8 camp, but I declined because I thought he was playing a joke on me. Suitor C, also in the year above me, asked his friend to ask me out for him. I didn't hear what his friend said exactly and accidentally declined unknowingly. I find it so funny to write about this now, because at the time I really didn't know how these guys felt. I also had very low self-esteem so it never crossed my mind that guys could actually find me physically attractive... Even saying it out now is weird (but I know now, lol).

In senior high, suitor D used to like my Facebook pictures and even plucked up the courage to chat with me on IM. I will always remember suitor D because I rejected him properly as a suitor, but also helped him realise that a relationship wasn't going to save his mental state about life. I helped him realise he had depression, and that was a big stepping stone for his recovery. Wherever suitor D is today, I hope he is living happily.

My point about all these guys is that my high school love life without Daniel wasn't empty. I wasn't in desperation to like Daniel because he was the only person in high school to like me. No. The point here was that I liked Daniel despite having many options. I liked Daniel a lot even after I discovered how to be me. And I couldn't get over these feelings even after years passed grade 8. My high school crush was and will always be Daniel.