Adventures Of A Female Loner

Tofu-Hime Part 5 (end)

Not a lot of people know this about me. But my nickname in Chinese is Dow-Fu-Yok, which in the literal translation means Tofu Meat and figuratively means I'm prone to injury and am a bit of clumsy person similar to how fresh wobbly tofu breaks apart when not handled with care. I was gifted this nickname by my mother after several embarrassing coming-of-age incidents such as puking on my second grade best friend's hair, fainting on my first day of high school in front of all the matrics and grade 8s, and puking five minutes into a warm-up session for basketball practice with the South Africa Asian Youth community. Writing this I am realising that maybe I am just prone to puking and should refrain from strenuous physical activities. So yes, my whole family calls me Tofu Meat. And here I am telling these embarrassing stories to you. Throughout this book I don't think I've really explained the background of myself. So here's my introduction.

I am a walking contradiction. I am your typical Chinese girl who took AP mathematics in school and became an engineer working at a big corporate who likes anime. I am, in a sense, pretty successful in terms of the stereotypical classification of an Asian person, but in the physical reality I am a bit of an odd ball even in that society. I was ranked number one in primary school and lost out in becoming head girl because I wrote a letter to my ex-best friend calling her a "fridgey" bitch out of jealousy. Although I took AP maths, I think I scored around 60% in grade 12. I took art class despite my parent's desire for me to take the typical nerdy subjects such as accounting or IT. They let me get away with it because my older brother had academically disappointed them already. I never participated in the Asian social circles preferring to spend most of my time at home watching k-dramas and anime with my siblings so I couldn't speak a lick of Mandarin and my Cantonese is passable. My first real multiyear crush was on a lanky Jewish boy, which is stereotypical, and my first kiss was with a brown-skinned African man. I've lectured a lecturer at university in front of the whole class and have flirted my way to earning money to organise a graduation ball. I often think people think that I'm a pretty adventurous person, but I'm an overthinker and stay pretty close to the safety boundary. I have never fallen in romantic love, but I have felt heartbreak. From ghosting my best friend. I am 27 years single and have never been in a relationship with an Asian man, save for one blind date with a semi-bald one.

And why am I telling you about this? The Adventures of a Female Loner is my online diary. I have just come out of a moment with Mr. Beautiful and am in need to express my thoughts on paper. Relationships come and go and really it's like the ebb-and-flow of life. I come from an interesting and tumultuous family background of which has shaped me into the person I am today. I won't divulge much about my parents because this story isn't about them, it's about me, but 2023 has been a challenging year for me. My last published chapter, I was feeling hurt because I was romantically slighted and it's been several months since then. Mr. Beautiful and I continued to see each other up until recently despite that incident and I am grateful for having him by my side even with his limited capacity as he supported me through my transition. I moved out of my family home and have started a mental journey to rediscover myself.

It hasn't been easy. To try and trace back the steps of what I want in life. For the longest time, I've felt a bit like I'm encased in jelly. Stuck in a never ending blob passing time away. The moments where I've felt time moving was probably when I started art class in high school and when I moved to Durban trying to find my feet. In doing so I met my work-mom by overhearing her talk about slaying a dragon in a video game and knowing then and there that she would be a pivotal person in my life. The other moments where I've felt alive is now, restarting at 27, opening myself up to a complete stranger and influenced by him to continue being vulnerable on the internet and sharing my written stories. They say you come across certain people at certain times in your life because they are what you need in that moment to grow, and isn't that a wonderful sentiment to have. To know that God or the universe is aspiring to help you become a better you.

It's a great thing to end things on a good note. A part of me will probably always want to hang on to the people in my life, but coming out of the past few months, I've been able to action giving up and moving on. That's part of life. I wrote in a previous chapter, why should a woman be in a relationship with the expectations to get married and have children and was questioning why she couldn't just be in one for the fun of it, and God granted me the answer. She can. I can, and so I did. I am better from it. Although time will pass in its slowness and I will miss him and them, I finally feel like I'm getting somewhere in building my character. I've started salsa classes. I am paying for Vitality to go back to the gym, and I am feeling brave and hopeful for the future that only I can dream of.

So back to the the subject. My family's nickname for me is Tofu meat. But I grew up watching Disney Princesses and happily ever after's and because of that I've always possessed the elegance and grace befitting of a princess. So why not do a little rebranding for myself and call myself Tofu-Hime ("hime" meaning princess in Japanese).