Adventures Of A Female Loner

Normality After Part 3

Hi dear readers, hope you've been keeping well. Today's chapter explores reaching your normal state after experiencing romantic love. Do you go back to how you felt before or are you intrinsically changed forever?

It's been about three months since I started seeing Mister Beautiful and a lot of time has been spent on different scenarios of how this whole experience will end. So much so, I've given in to the chaos and am writing this chapter to destress. So forgive me for my stoic mumbling.

Expectation 1: Societal pressure for women to start families

When you start dating someone, it becomes an invitation to surrounding parties to comment on your future. Particularly, your family to discuss what the goal of the partnership is. We, as women, are bombarded with subliminal messages to get into a serious relationship, to want to get married, and to want to start a family. But what if you don't? What if you went into this to get experience of what it feels like to fall in love, to kiss someone, to bond over shared ideas and thoughts, to hold hands, to have sex, and eventually to build emotional intimacy? Why couldn't that just be the end goal? It's a question to society. When did it become so entrenched to want to spend the rest of our lives with a single person and have a child? Are we not allowed to fall in love and then fall out of love? Does there need to be the intention to stick with them forever? Some people might think I'm noncommittal but I think it's an entirely separate concept. I want to live as an independent woman but I am not devoid of living a fulfilled life and that includes experiencing another person by my side even for a short while.

Expectation 2: Understanding my partner

I think one of my biggest learnings coming out of dating someone is the constant worry to understand your partner. There is a sense of duty to want to be a part of that person's life. I used to be the kind of girl who'd wake up with greasy hair, put it into a tight ponytail, and be out on my way to work without a care in the world how others would perceive me. The biggest change for me is wanting my partner to find me attractive. Now, when I look into the mirror I am plagued by thoughts of my potential shortcomings. I think about washing my hair more often, being more presentable, more proper, more sexy. When he compliments me on something, I worry about losing that aspect of myself. Why is this a new worry that I have to deal with? Physical attraction is one aspect of it and it's like a fish pond size of worry. The emotional attraction is another and it's the size of a soccer stadium. I find myself looking into each of our interactions and trying to decipher what the intentions are. When his hand shakes just before he reaches out to hug me in greeting, what does it mean? When we are on an emotional high, as close as we can be, and he tells me about his dream of us in a beach house with little Pikachus in the house, what does it mean? When he stutters and he wants to say something about us, and he hesitates before the words can become a complete sentence, the hesitation because he's caught himself in contradiction to the already completed thought in his head, what does it mean? I feel a depth of emotional pain, I've never felt before and it's worrying. How do you tune yourself to how you were before?

Expectation 3: Being true to yourself

Some people say that you're incomplete before you get into a romantic relationship. I disagree with this statement. I think you are complete the moment you exit your mother's womb. Growing up and experiencing school, making friendships, being in a romantic relationship, these are chapters in a complete life that appear once you decide to add them to your story. If you don't grow up and you die young, your story is shorter than say a seventy year old but it's a book nonetheless and it is complete. So I used to be satisfied with my chapters when I was alone and I truly had a deep sense of who I was as a person and what my purpose was on this life. I went on the date determined to prove my work-mom wrong that I could go on a physical date, and then I'd go back into my single routine. But I'm knee deep into this, and it's challenging my previous beliefs. How do I stay true to myself? Who am I? It was a difficult question before, but answerable and dependent really only on me. I've noticed my thoughts have changed. My music tastes have changed. I don't feel at peace by myself anymore, and that's scary. I am pretty sad about losing that freedom I had. It no longer feels like I'm me anymore. I've lost the trust I had in myself. It's like my feelings have tainted my soul. A part of me wants to end the relationship just to see if I go back to normal, but I know I won't because the chapter has already begun.

The normal state is not real. As I write this chapter, I think what stands out to me from these musings is the fear of the unknown. I want to know what happens in the future. I want to know what would have happened if I didn't take this route in life. But, that isn't the point in all of this. The point is to live in the present. To enjoy the moments I do have and the feelings that do change me. To challenge the societal expectations that plague me. To be who I am today and to have someone partake in my journey, if he'll have me.