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The Waiting Game: Devon's Letter

Hey Devon.

I know you won’t believe me, but I wrote this before I died, and it’s getting delivered to you now, a month and more afterward. Isn’t that kind of weird? I’m sure Gia thought so—I doubt that she’s told you about these letters, but she knows about them, too. She’s been getting them, too. And I’m sorry to say, bro, but this is the only one you’re going to get, because there is only one thing you have to do.

This seems weird, huh? I think it is. I’m almost not sure what I can say to you—you’ve always been one of my best friends. You’re my big brother. And now you’re stuck wondering what you did wrong, where you went wrong, how you didn’t see the signs that people talk about that apparently all suicidal kids have. You didn’t miss anything, Devon. You just don’t know the reason.

You’ll find out eventually. You and Gia.

I have something to say to you now that I knew I would never be able to do in person, and I’m so sorry for that, but I just couldn’t bare the look that would be on your face. It would cause a rift between us so large and impenetrable that I knew I wouldn’t be able to close it no matter how much I would want to make it better. I couldn’t lose you when I knew that I would lose you anyway. I just couldn’t do it. Call me a coward or what, but I couldn’t.

I don’t know if you believe that this is me or if you think that this is some sick joke, but I’m about to prove to you it’s really me.

I see the way you look at her.

I’m not stupid, Devon. I’ve known you my whole life. I’ve looked up to you ever since I realized that our own father wasn’t anything to believe in. I know you in a way you probably don’t even know yourself. I can always tell with you, and I could tell it all from the first moment that you must have realized it, too.

I know that you are in love with Gia.

Every time she would come over, you would watch her. You looked like you were in pain when you looked at her but you never did anything but stare at her, like you wished it could be anyone but her. I wish it was, too. Or, at least, I did. I used to hate you because I could see that you were looking at her the same way I was, and I knew enough to know that wasn’t a good thing, that I shouldn’t be able to forgive you for it. But now I’ve realized some things are more important than wishing, and that doing something about it is the only way things will ever get done.

So I can’t hate you for it. I can’t even really be mad at you, especially not now. Now that I can’t be there for her, it’s at least nice to know that you will be, and that she’ll never truly be alone.

And that’s all I really want from this. I was too selfish to let her go, so I put her in a situation where she didn’t have a choice. I just want someone to help her through that. Now I realize that I want that person to be you.

I’m sure that you don’t believe this letter. I’m sure that you think it’s a joke but it doesn’t matter, Devon. You might not believe this for one, two months, maybe eighteen years, but when you do, I want you to know that this is me, letting Gia go. Letting her go to you.

Because, if she deserves anyone, she deserves you. And if you deserve anyone, you damn well better make yourself good enough to deserve her, too.

I love Gia with all of my heart, but it’s about time I let her go.

Go to her right now, Devon. Give her the letter that is addressed to her and let her explain this to you. Because you two have time, because I don’t anymore. Because, after I finish writing this, I am going to die.

You both deserve to understand, and you need to understand it together.

I love you, Devon. You were the best brother that anyone could ever ask for, or even ever dream of having. You taught me how to play baseball and famous last words and how to pick up girls. You were the one that told me to go for it when I told you about Gia. Even if you didn’t mean to, you made my life so much easier to live for the time where I could see the end coming nearer and nearer.

This is where I say goodbye, Devon. Goodbye, and thank you.

Now, I go to seek a Great Perhaps.

-Holden