LOVING Aman | ✓

34

Do you know what is worse than having someone you love marry someone else? Well, nothing. There is absolutely nothing more surgically painful or absolute, only perhaps pretending that you were happy when all you want to do was cry your eyes out and not feel anything.

But I could do neither. There was nothing I could do actually. It was over for us anyway, forever.

Perhaps that was why I had hid my tears by pretending to get something from the car and then my face had been permanently masked with a smile. Even though my lips hurts and I had wanted so much to hate him, or even say they deserve each other but I simply couldn't. Jabir deserved so much better; better than me, than her, better than his shitty family and I really hope he finds happiness. He deserves it. He really do.

It doesn't however make the pain any less effectual. And I don't know what I was hurt more about; losing my best friend or losing my best friend forever. Because there was no way Raihana would allow him anywhere near me; not if he wants to make his marriage work and I love him too much to allow him risk his sanity for me. I just couldn't risk that.

And so here I was, sorrounded by people who are my kin, whom I know mostly want to pretend I didn't exist, a few hours after my fiancé married my cousin in a hall beautifully decorated for their wedding reception and I couldn't help but wonder what the hell was I doing here?

Family or whatnot, I didn't want to be here. God, I am tired of smiling and pretending my life hadn't just crashed underneath my feet. I am not happy. And I want to go home.

And yet I still sat there, smiling, clapping; at the bride and groom, when they came in and when they danced and when they cut the Cake and when they danced again. I was all smiles even though the groom's pained eyes were on me the whole time; begging me to understand him, forgive him, weakening my resolve.

I wanted to tell him there was nothing to forgive, that I wished him happiness but I couldn't, too many prying eyes. However his pain seem to overshadow mine and I couldn't help but feel defeated for him. It wasn't his fault, I needed for him to know. He was the main reason I had stayed for the wedding and held onto my mask of happiness even though I wanted to simply cry and hurt something, or someone, anything. I needed him to see that I was fine.

I had found out from his friend that his dad had made him promise to cut whatever connection he had with me or find another father. No, I don't blame him. I would have done same. However even though it was the right thing to do, it didn't make it any easier. It was extremely difficult and I was tired. I needed someone to be on my side, someone who understands how difficult this was for me. I needed someone to save me from grief.

But then I know there was no one for me. The one for me was sitting in front of me and was also in need of saving. And thankfully, I knew how to save him.

* * *

I tripped and fell to the ground.

I was on my way to dance with the couple when it had happened; to show Jabir that I was happy, but someone had put out their legs deliberately to make sure I fell. And that was when the tears came and I simply let it fall. I didn't have to look up to know who had done it. It was obvious.

It was one of Raihana's friends. I saw them both exchanging a look before I fell. And considering I fell when I was passing their table, I think I don't need a soothsayer to tell me what had happened.

I just sat there, crying my eyes out silently, lacking the motivation to do anything but cry. I guess I had just been waiting for an excuse to cry.

And then I heard the commotion. Something was wrong and when I raised my bloodied eyes to the dance floor, Jabir was trying to get to me but something his best friend was telling him seem to keep him from making his way to me but that wasn't what was causing the commotion. It was Raihana, she was crying. I don't know why though, considering I was the one on the floor.

My eyes moved to his face and our eyes met that was when I saw it, my Jabir was crying. He was crying and I couldn't say anything to him, I can't even go close to him without him risking his relationship with his parents and that had broke me more than anything I could ever imagine. I just wanted to disappear, anything than being right where I was at this very moment but knowing I can't made me do the one thing I could do to make him feel better; I smiled at him, revealing my twin set of dimples perfectly. The kind of smile that I knew he couldn't resist and just as I knew he would, he smiles back. And in that moment, everything felt okay again.

And then it was over and the pain took over as I looked away after nodding and wiping my eyes clear. He did the same.

I didn't want people getting the wrong idea about us.

* * *

"Are you alright?"

If I said I wasn't glad to hear that particular voice then I'll probably be lying. I had never felt happier hearing Aman's voice like I had that very moment and when I looked up at him and saw his hands outstretched for me and his gentle nod, I never loved him more than I did in that exact moment.

I don't know how or even why, but he was here, right at the time I needed him the most and that meant a lot to me.

A lot.

Taking his hands, he helped me up and without any more words exchanged between us, we had walked out of the hall and into his car. And even when I saw his car heading out of the city and taking the route to Kaduna, I didn't say a thing.

I just rested my head on his car seat and closed my eyes shut and before I knew it, I slept off because of my exhaustion.

The last thing I heard was I will never leave you, Rei, never as he gently squeeze my hands. I didn't even realize our hands were still entwined, I thought lastly before dozing off peacefully.