daybreak || minsung

Chapter 17

"You okay?" I asked.

"I'm just—" He sighed, scrunching his eyes. "I'm worried that... this is too inhuman. Too much. At some point, there has to be something I tell you or show you that's too much for you, and you... you'll run."

I bit back an eye roll. "That's insane. You're glowing — it's beautiful."

"It's not. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have shown you."

"Why, because it's not human?" I muttered sarcastically.

He was speaking to himself more than me now, his tone giving way to his neurosis. "Because it's misleading. It's me sending mixed messages. I've treated you badly, I haven't been a good friend."

The word 'friend' stung in a way I couldn't explain. "It's... It's whatever."

"I'm sorry."

"Stop apologizing." There was anger in my tone. I sighed, reining it in. "How are you 'misleading' me?"

"I'm not done thinking about us yet. About letting you in."

"Then why did you bring me here?"

He shrugged. "I was looking at you, and I just wanted less space between us."

"And yet, you're still undecided."

"Sorry."

I could feel myself start to lose it. I couldn't pull back. My words came out sharp and impatient.

"You're just so in your head. We're alone, in this awesome meadow, and all you can do is worry and regret."

"Sorry."

"You don't think about how it could be confusing or destabilizing for me. I get that you need to think about it, and, yeah, I haven't given you a very long time, but I... I'm giving you my heart. And you're making me wait."

"I don't mean to—"

"It makes me feel like you don't care about me."

"I care about you, Minho—"

"Then act like it!"

He stared down at his twitching hands and whispered, "I'm so sorry."

"All you ever do is apologize." My voice was harsh, clipped, with a manic edge to it. I'd pushed these feelings down for so long, and saying them aloud was awful and strange and more than a little satisfying. "Don't say you want me if you're immediately gonna call me your friend. You keep pulling me close and shutting me out, flirting with me and acting like I'm so insane for thinking that you might like me as much as I like you. And all you have to say for it is 'I'm sorry.'"

"I'm s—" He clamped his teeth together. His posture straightened and he met my eyes. "I mean, I don't know what to do. It's not like I'm doing this to hurt you. It's bigger than me just 'letting you in.'"

That familiar prickle pushed at my eyes, and a lump built at the back of my throat. I spoke over it. "If it's such a big risk, then don't let me in. But you can't keep me around on your own terms, either. Make a decision, Jisung."

He stared down at the grass.

"This is you treating me badly," I said. My tone came out flat, unemotional.

"I know," he murmured.

"You said you wanted more — two days ago."

Nothing.

"I'm here for you."

Nothing.

"Jisung," I said, "stop wallowing."