feelings [blackpink]

MISSING YOU [JENNIE]

Lidded eyes, letting out a sigh, I allow them to pull my body around.

A ragdoll to a child: I was tugged from hair to makeup to clothing to God knows, having more hands than I could ever count roaming my body in places that I myself had never touched before.

I shuddered at the touch yet held my breath, knowing I was powerless to them anyway. I felt the eyeshadow brush against my skin and I immediately shut my eyes, knowing the routine after almost three years.

As soon as I felt the pressure lift from my skin I blinked my eyes open and caught a look at myself in the mirror; I wished I hadn't. I barely recognised the woman looking back at me in the mirror.

My hair was loosely curled and my face was caked with makeup, covering the small scars and blemishes left on my face as a reminder of my pubescent years. The girl opposite of me was a mere acquaintance, someone I'd met each time I'd go on stage yet never talk to again.

Maybe if it was actually me up on the stage and not her they'd love me... you'd love me.

Would you even miss me if I was gone?

My eyes flickered round the changing rooms, watching as Lisa, Chaeyoung and Jisoo received the same treatment as me. However something had to be different: they were smiling. Why couldn't that be me?

Why couldn't I be happy?

No one would miss me if I were to suddenly disappear, not even my own family. My mother would find a way to make my sadness my fault, she always does, and my father doesn't even care enough to facetime me anymore.

YG wouldn't miss me, he'd miss the money I made for him.

That's all I am to him and everyone else: a money-making machine. I have no feelings, my job is to smile, sing, dance and rap. I'm not allowed to love, YG himself had made that very clear on January 25th.

My members wouldn't miss me either: they don't have enough freedom to.

I tugged the sleeves of my shirt down, suddenly feeling very self-conscious. Was this skirt too short, was this shirt too cropped? Maybe I was what they thought of me.

Maybe I was a slut.

I heard Lisa call me over and I quickly walked to them, being careful not to trip in my heels. Plastering a smile on my face, I joined the circle and chided in the conversation every once in a while, pretending to care about the useless things they were talking about.

I wish that was me: that I was able to be so care-free that I could talk about all that dumb stuff instead of worrying what others thought of me.

Eventually our manager called us over and informed us we'd be going on in a few minutes. I felt my heart race a million miles an hour at the thought of being in front of all of those people that had payed to see me. I couldn't disappoint.

I felt a cold sweat form on my skin and I tried my hardest to ignore the growing knot in my stomach. This had happened a million times before, but suddenly I was genuinely scared.

What if they called me lazy again? I know that last year wasn't my best year and that I let down my members, but I swear that I'm trying my hardest. Jisoo must've noticed my worry because she wrapped an arm around my shoulder, rubbing it slightly," It's okay." She spoke in English, knowing that even with her thick Korean accent it cheered me up.

I smiled, not feeling it reach my eyes, before shrugging her hand off and returning to my previous thoughts.

Five minutes passed and we were making our way to the stage, waiting for the giant screens to open so we could make our grand entrance. I loved performing, it was my favourite thing in the world, so why did I feel so bad?

Slowly, the screens slid to the sides and we began to strut to the stage. I swayed my hips, puffed out my chest and raised my head high, just as I had been taught. 'They like a sexy, powerful woman.' YG had said, his grin a bit too lecherous.

The crowd screamed yet I still bit my lip out of anxiety. There was no way they were cheering for me. The music to Forever Young started to play and I gulped, immediately singing my lines. My voice was shaky as I walked to the centre stage, surrounded by Lisa, Jisoo and Chaeyoung's fans.

Not mine.

But when the crowd suddenly let out a roar as I walked closer to them I felt my lips quirk and my eyebrows furrow. Was that for me? I looked around at them, finding the majority of eyes and phones focused of me.

I reached out to one fan, spotting a woman holding a Samsung phone. She looked at me confused before her eyes widened and she let out what seemed to be a squeal. Raising the phone to my face I pressed record and grinned, looking at the woman for reassurance.

Her excited smile calmed my aching heart so with a cheesy look on my face I sung," I could die in this moment!"

Even if not all of you missed me, I know I would miss you.