Kingdom Of Hearts (LGBTQ+) (Completed)

Healing

I used to think that the reason I got so nervous was because I didn't know what to do. But when a hand-grab made me pass out, I figured something was wrong.

Casper freaked out and took me to a hospital. The doctors couldn't figure out what triggered my anxiety attack, and scheduled me for an appointment with a psychologist.

After a lot of pressuring from my brother, and some threats from Jeslin, I figured I might as well give it a shot. It wasn't as though I'd talk to them or anything. I could just sit there and do absolutely nothing. Raphael didn't need to know. 

Of course, with my luck, my shrink turned out to be even more stubborn than me. 

Five hours of me just sitting and doing nothing. Five hours of him staring at me.  Five hundred dollars I'm never getting back. 

Eventually, I figured I might as well not waste more money. So I opened up a little bit. Eight hours in the shrink's office and I ended up with the knowledge that my anxiety was a result of my father's 'help'.

Apparently my brain remembers throwing up whenever I saw or experienced two men touching. And the reason I don't react violently with Raphael is because he's 'safe'. 

Personally, I think my brain is annoying. The stupid thing can't remember trigonometric equations, which is actually useful, but it remembers when my father wants me to throw up. I want a new one!

To make matters worse, my psychologist was Casper's brother, who was outside the office for eight bloody hours. And for some reason I felt really guilty about it. So after 5 minutes of him being annoyingly persistent, I ended up telling him everything. 

Actually, I think it's for the better. Because after he found out, he swore to help me get through this. His idea was to help me get used to basic human contact, like hand-holding and hugging until I stopped throwing up. 

Thankfully, I didn't have to do that. Heavens knows I'd get malnourished because I couldn't stop puking my guts out.

His brother, the shrink, figured the best way to 'cure' me was if I could get my stupid brain to accept more and more men as 'safe'. Hopefully, after that I'd stop shutting down too often, until I ended up with some reasonable cautiousness. 

Casper, the ever-annoying idiot, made it his personal mission to be my first 'non-family-safe-guy'. Looking back, it was pretty adorable. But back then, I wanted to gut him.

We fell into an easy friendship. He said something stupid, I either mocked him or punched him. He whined. I waved it off. We laughed.

It took my brain 2 weeks to declare him safe. He was just that infectious. You want him to be your friend. You want him to talk to you. You want him to love you.

Yes folks. I reached that phase a little sooner than what was normal for someone as messed up in the head as me. Did I care? No.

Loving him was natural. Finding out he was bisexual just made me more hopeful. Finding out he felt the same destroyed me.

Confused? Let me explain.

I convinced myself that the healthy thing to do was just move on. If we did broke things up, I didn't trust either of us to be mature enough to maintain our friendship. And he was the foundation to my recovery. Loosing him would just ruin the building I was trying to build brick by brick.

If we ended up together forever, I would be deprived of so many normal things. Normal things I needed to separate my father's shadow from mine.

So when he asked me out, I couldn't do anything but run, hoping against hope that he wouldn't chase me. He didn't.

When I told Jeslin everything, she was pissed he didn't follow me. But I just felt worse. I know Casper better than I know myself. What triggers him, what calms him, what makes him smile, what destroys him. 

Him not coming after me hurt him, not me. He hurt himself because he knew it would make me feel better. He even sent me a text telling me not to feel guilty. Apparently he knows me just as much as I know him.

The next week was just us skirting around each other, trying to help the other reach their safe spot. Us being the idiots we are, didn't notice that was with each other.

Surprisingly, the voice of reason was Raphael. 

After chasing me for at least an hour, and reminding me that I needed to hit the gym more often, he said something that was far too mature for a kid his age.

"Normal is unique."

The mental state of 'normal', is different for everyone. 

My 'normal' wasn't being a teenager. 

My 'normal' wasn't break-ups, or casual relations.

My 'normal' was mine. 

My 'normal' was Casper.

And for some terrifying reason, I didn't mind that.

***-***

AUTHOR'S NOTE

Welp...that happened.
I'm actually pretty close to finishing this book!!!
I'm thinking maybe one more chapter and an epilogue?
Idk..tell me what ya'll think!
And as always,
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