Being in the final was stirring some different emotions for me, I was elated to be where I am and to know how far I have come but the nerves were very overbearing and the fact that I wasn't even on good terms with the other half of my couple is something completely different. Jack and I slept so far apart the night of the elimination you could've fit a brick wall between the two of us we were that far apart and also I couldn't sleep very well which is something that was very reoccurring when it came to my awful sleeping pattern, I kept looking at every other couple in the room who were sharing a bed with their significant other and how cosy they all looked, they all looked proper affectionate and intimate with one another and to be honest it was very off putting to see and I'm not a jealous kind of person but this feeling was aggravating me so much that I just had to get away so I took my phone and water bottle and I went to go and sleep in the hideaway on my own just so I could have some peace and quiet to myself. I wanted to be alone with my thoughts but even that was too distracting for me because all I could think about was going home to my mum and my sister and brother- especially now that I might have niece or nephew to see when I get out and fly back home to see them all. But family wasn't the only thing that was on my mind throughout the night, I couldn't stop thinking about Eyal and what he was doing back in England, I didn't know if he was thinking of me like I was thinking of him and if he even carried on watching the show when he left and how he feels seeing me and the way I have portrayed myself.
The thought of Eyal was really really playing on my mind and I absolutely hated it, I didn't think that for one second that a guy like him- who in all due respect isn't actually my type in the first place could actually have me feeling this kind of way and have these doubts and confusion spinning round my head all day and all night; as cliche as it sounds he is more than likely my first thought in the morning and my last thought at night and I just can't help but like him, I needed to express this in one way or another so I left the hideaway and I went into the beach hut to talk and get everything off my chest.
Beach Hut
"I'm just so conflicted. I thought that by the time that the final would eventually come around that I would know exactly what I want and know exactly where I stand with everyone but I honestly have no clue and it is honestly so hard and tiring because as much as I like jack and as much as he is a nice person and treats me right I just don't feel that initial instinct attraction that I did when I first met Eyal, and I know that I constantly go on about him and how tedious it may come across but I honestly do think that he was the one for me and who I wished to meet when I signed up for this show. I just need to ride this out until I get home where I can sort everything out with Jack and more importantly Eyal. I would be lying if I said that I wouldn't be upset if he had met someone else on the outside but then again it's his choice and I should've made mine a long time ago which was to leave this villa when I had the chance to do so."
When I walked back into the bedroom everyone was awake and talking to one another and when I walked into the room Jack looked at me in confusion so I just walked over to the bed we shared and sat down next to him on the edge of his side of the bed.
"Where were you?" He asked me
"I slept in the hideaway for the night." I told him
"How come?" He continued to question me and I just shrugged my shoulders because as much as I trusted and respected Jack I just couldn't tell him that the reason that I slept in a separate room to him was because I still like the guy who left the villa six weeks ago. While everyone was talking I went into the girls changing room to pick out a bikini to wear for the day.
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