Suicide Note

Chapter 4

I didn't go home that night. I walked all around the city thinking about what had just happened. At least, I tried to. My mind was blurred. Everything was just to sudden and it happened so fast, I couldn't even realize what has been going on. I barely even remembered what I said. I didn't understand why he did all that, my mind couldn't process anything, nothing matched, nothing that he did seemed to make sense. I was confused, I didn't know what to do next; I didn't have his number, only his first name. At least, I knew I'd never forget it. I couldn't even be mad, or happy, or excited or sad, I was lost in my own story. I tried to atop. And remember what he said. He loves me... I thought. He really does. But why did he leave me like this, why didn't he say anything in school? He told me he's leaving me because, otherwise, I'd get hurt. But you hurt me already! And why did he start crying, I don't understand, should I feel pity for him? Should I pity myself? These thoughts haunted me all night, without me having any success in figuring anything out.

Suddenly, the sun started to rise, its warmth slowly touching my cold skin. Shit. Mom's gonna kill me. I rushed to get a taxi. As the car rushed trough the city, I could see it wake up as the sun's light was getting stronger. All those people I saw, they were in an immense rush. They were looking down at their phones, but no one was looking at the sky and how beautifully it lightened up. No time to be philosophical now, Alex. Quite ironic, I know. I wasn't thinking clearly anyway. Too many thoughts were crossing my head. On one side, I was mindblown by the conversation with Christopher. On the other, I was worried that my mother will get angry on me for being so late. And then I was just absorbed by world and its beauty (never happened before,this clearly was the best time for it to hit me). 

When I finally got home, I was more than surprised and very delighted that my parents were asleep. That's a premiere. So I slowly walked up to my room and immediately swapped my dress to pyjamas and I tucked myself in. It's so good to be home... I was so calm now, I was home, with no strangers, no one to stare, just my posters and my cozy duvet. Of course, my happiness turned into a complete mess. I remembered everything so clearly now. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't. I wouldn't  even have known why I was crying for. Every time I seemed to understand, I'd eventually reach a dead end. I was hopeless. One day passed, two, three, eventually the whole week sweeps before my eyes. I was still confused. Maybe, if you'd talk to him again, you'd get an answer. So I phoned Christine and asked if she knew any way I could contact him. She gave me his number. After thanking her 20 times, I started planning what I should say, what exactly I should ask.

I finally phoned him. I was so nervous, my stomach started to hurt.  As, I would've thought was obvious, I got no answer. Of course, I gave up. But why, Alex?  Because I was confused, okay?  I-I mean, I had no idea what's been going on. So I just pushed it all away, I was incapable of understanding anything. You're so cold-hearted Alex... Oh, how I'd wish that I was true...

For a while, my "forgetting attempt" had gone perfectly well, I actually started going so some kind of therapy for my anxiety and I also, slowly, started to make friends. I was actually a very nice person, and I never knew that. Weird, I know. But, we're talking about me, right? As I said, it's been all fun and games, until I got a text. Of course, something had to turn up. It was anonymous. "Park, 8 pm". I decided to go; because I had the same feeling that you're probably having now. That it was him. But how did you know where you were supposed to be? Simple. We were near a park the last time we saw each other. I tried to keep calm as I was walking  on the hardly-dark streets. There still were quite a few people around.  I wasn't afraid. Again, I was just messed up, I can't describe any of my feelings or anything because, and I repeated it SO many times, I was very confused.

Everything happened so fast. As I walked trough the park gates, I see a skinny figure near a tree. The butterflies in my stomach came back to life as strong as they could ever be. As soon as I got near to him, he, unexpectedly, said:

"I love you so much, Alex... I apologize for the way I acted-I-I don't know what happened, I would never want to hurt you, you know? I understand if you can't forgive me. But that won't change the fact that you make my world shine.." 

In his eyes I could se sincerity and regret. As if he felt my empathy, he suddenly kissed me. It took me by surprise but loved it. It wouldn't be possible to exactly describe my happiness and all my love for him at the time. So I won't. It was too perfect to be ruined by word's simple description. A first kiss in the dim light of a summer- night I guess, it was still light tho-. 

Everything seemed beautiful, just as it should be. Only if I'd have known then... Oh, if I would have...

What a happy love story, Alex! So passionate and romantic, wow! you're so lucky! you may say. It looks so beautiful when you don't stop and think about it, right? It literally is insane, I know, many people didn't believe me when I told them. But, insane as it was, I love it. It was and still is like a drug to me. And when you become addicted, you want more and more, not giving a damn if it's killing you, if the others agree or not. Some people start getting aware of their state and many want to get out of it, even though they can't stop. And there are the others that just keep going. And when they don't get anymore, they die. Most of them do. Suicide, overdose. Or just the simple lack of the substance. You'll see.