hanahaki disease {skz - changlix}

love(d)

seo changbin, the person that made me what am i right now. he helped me to show myself more and just made me believe that i could do things i thought i can't.

binnie has always been my go-to person ever since high school, at that time i knew he was the one, no other. things started to change when we dated in college. it was like we have our own world, where only both of us exist, only him and me. he supported me with my art and i also did to his music.

"felix,,," he held my hand but he can't manage to look into my eyes. i gently raised his face, his eyes were teary. "i got scouted, i'll finally be able to inspire with my music-- but felix i don't wan't to leave you--" his face showed a frown again.

"hey," i cut him. "you know ill support you no matter what, right? that was our promise to each other." he smiled a little and so did i... "this is your chance! grab it, you shouldn't let it pass by just because of me. "

instead of answering me he pulled me closer to him. as i get buried in his chest, i heard him sob, i pushed myself out from his grip but he just pulled me closer. something's different from his hug, you'll truly feel warm and safe. nothing beats a changbinnie huggie.

"changbin, what are you doing? you'll miss me more if you do that." i jokingly said to lighten up the mood. "we should trust each other, it's just another challenge for us."

he let go of me and wiped his tears. "what did i do to deserve you?"

"no,,, what did i do to deserve you?" i said inside my head. he held me close to him the whole night. i'll miss him so much and even though i know i'll struggle  considering i have been so dependent on him,,, it was his dream so it's mine as well.

༄ the day of the flight

his flight was already boarding passengers, no one was talking we were just walking side by side. i couldn't even open and mouth one word to him, thinking i would cry my heart out if i do. we reached the gate, i played with my fingers, nervous.  it just hit me this moment that i'll not see him for months,,, a year? , i heard him sigh...

"Bokie,,," i looked into his eyes, they were full of emotions... mixed emotions. we used to laugh and play around when he calls me bokie but this time was different, i wanted to tell him to stay with me. "i'll miss you so much, you know that right? we can cancel everything if you want." i avoided eye contact once he said that, sure that this time i'll cry my eyes out.

he pulled out something from his pocket, a necklace, that his dad gave him in remembrance of his mother who passed away giving birth to him. "changbin, i can't take this. it's your father's gift, it's all you have of your mom."

"no, i'm not asking for a say from you, i'm giving it to you... end of conversation." i glared at him but he just grabbed me by the wrist and turned me around, placing the necklace. after locking it, he pulled me, giving a back hug.

i started to sob, still trying my hardest not to cry. i placed my hands on my mouth to prevent it but i heard changbin shushing me.

"Hey, we promised, no crying! we'll still see each other." he turned me around so that we were facing each other again, i can't even mutter a single word to him, i felt really bad i couldn't even express how much i would miss him... he wiped my tears. then he gave me this smile, that smile, i'll miss that smile,, it made me cry even more. "Trust me Felix, I'll be back... promise hm?"

I nodded... "I believe in you, Changbin... and I promise, you can believe in me too."

༄ a year after changbin's flight to us

after changbin went to the states i felt really lonely. even though he called almost every 2 hours, and texted me like every thing he was doing. we'll have this 3-hour calls but it's still different from having him beside me even for the shortest moments. time zones also fucked us up, but we love each other and that's what we need anyway.

a few days passed, weeks, months, and a year. i noticed how things were so different now, i already knew it was going to be like this  but it was worse that what i imagined. i'm still studying and graduating, i'm now working on my final project...

changbin? he texted less and called from every hour to not even calling. i feel like, he forgot about me already... i kept on thinking positively and that he was just busy with work since he got promoted a few times now, i did everything to distract those negativity.

i still have no idea on what to do for my final project since it has to be a grand piece since it will decide my future , so i decided i should go for a stroll in the park to refresh my mind and think of an idea. i went to my room to grab decent clothes for the outside world when i felt something in my stomach, i can't explain the pain but i never experience this type of pain before. it went up to my throat, it was like a knife was being traced through my through it. i felt like i was gonna throw up. i rushed to the bathroom and coughed myself out in the toilet bowl, it tasted really bitter and it felt dry. nothing was coming out but it felt like as if i was throwing up my intestines already.

i coughed again and again but nothing came out, i kept on thinking i was gonna die,, i punched my chest, tried gagging it out,,, nothing worked.

"fuck i can't die now...." i sad to my self as i try to stand up but ended up falling back on my knees,,, i kept on the possible situations if i were to die RIGHT NOW,,,, until a couple of flower petals came out of my—-mouth?, i was so scared i could'nt even move. it was the weirdest shit i experienced. perhaps i ate seeds? and probably have a whole flower garden in my stomach? i felt weak touching the petals.

i was scared to even know what was happening to me and placed it aside, i couldn't even text changbin thinking he was too busy to even deal with this crap... i tried to continue my life, perhaps i was... just dreaming?