Tonight it's as though my soul then and my soul now collide, it's as though the pain and the happiness see eye to eye and confusion is what binds them, it's like being me is so natural as though it's the norm,I feel like my heart is floating out of place in my chest trying to reach for reason in a mind which is so disconnected from what should be, what is, it dwells so much on what was, the beauty of everything else is covered in a hot mist, a messy cloud of memories that continue to haunt my heart, it's so messy it spills in my smile, my soul trembles in my laughter, it crackles and breaks in my voice everytime I say I love you, I slow down in disbelief that I could possibly be such a liar, or that I am cursed to never ending pain and that I should perhaps accept one that gives me the rush to live, the urge to fly, it flows in my blood so boldly colliding with this attempted happiness it almost always feels so real, it's like a dream I so badly want to wake up from but I keep having over and over again, no matter how much I try to change the story, my heart wounds, it screams and howls at me, "how could you be so fragile" it says? My mind tares me apart everytime I go to bed reminding me that I just wasted yet another precious moment of my life speaking my existence into a heart I never had a home in,I chose to seek warmth in the cold and it melts me down each time I look in the mirror and break out into fresh springs of hollowness every time I remember your name, every morning my face is watered down with what warms me up to face the cold, the hell I chose for myself, it's all for you I say, but is it really? If it's for me why does it hurt so much, why does it so sickingly make me happy and break me down every time I smile. I am confused and it's a trans I sometimes believe I do not want to exit, but other times I want to fly, far away from my heart, far away from you, but I always leave you trails because I always want you to come back, see I am broken with you, I am broken without you, I am happy with you, I am happy without you, with you a part of me is lonely, without you a part of me is missing, it really makes no sense but you complete me incompletely. You're the piece that pulls me together yet tares me apart each second I blink and I open my eyes seeing you, but i can't imagine opening them to a world without you, you're my everything and you're my biggest fear.. outstretched I reach for you and I retract into hating you in the most loving way because I will surely welcome you back with open arms. Your love.
Always.
