Stall

Chapter 104.

How do you come to terms with the things he told me?

If it were black and white, just written on paper with no context, it sounds so straight forward.

He's technically a serial killer - or is he? I can't say I know sweet fuck all about that but I know he isn't doing what he's doing for pleasure - he's doing it so he suffers. He isn't emotionless, in fact he feels things so fiercely - including empathy, it's more of a case he doesn't know who to trust with that empathy.

But this isn't black and white... The context, circumstances and intentions make this so fucking complicated.

In his own fucked up way he's trying to do something he thinks is right, trying to protect people that can't protect themselves and punishing himself for doing it at the same time.

He's a murderer but I wouldn't call him a monster... Obviously him being a murderer was something I was apparently comfortable sitting with in my soul at the thought of because I had already assumed he'd killed people, I just hadn't heard it out right.

So what does that make me then? Does it make me just as bad? That I accepted that about him?

I don't see him the same way he's sees himself. He thinks he's evil, but I've seen evil on that tape and in person... And that's not him.

I never ever thought the phrase -

"The road to hell is paved with good intentions"

Would ever become so fucking literal in my life.

I know that most people would think intent isn't good enough in a situation like this, what he did was illegal, immoral and fucking horrific.

But if intent shouldn't be considered... Why is it so crucial in the law? Surely his intentions matter.

I'm so torn, I don't want to condone it, justify or excuse it - and I don't know if still loving him and staying with him means that's exactly what I'm doing...

Can you still love someone, but not love what they've done and hold them accountable for it? If they've done something wrong?

What do I do, if what's wrong in my world is right in his? My reality isn't universal, the world doesn't revolve around me so I can't expect every other person to hold the same beliefs I do.

It's not just him either, it's Steve and Jimmy too and I adore both of them. They're family to me.

Harry may have murdered people, but they have too so... Why the fuck am I not terrified of that? Mortified by it?

I'm literally hugging Jimmy right now. He's a murderer and he's cuddling me, hushing me like an old clucky grandmother.

Murderers are meant to be these almost non-human demons, that you hear about in stories or see on the news. They're put across as inhuman and void of a soul.

But... I've seen more humanity in these three men than anyone else I've met.

How does that make any fucking sense?

All of these things are torturing my brain, and I've never been faced with something that's made me question everything I thought I knew.

I know violence is never the answer - but what if it's the symptom?

Does he still deserve help? My help? Is he beyond that? Do his actions negate his right to still be loved and given the chance to get better?

It would be a lot more simple if he didn't want to do better, if he didn't want to progress and grow past who he's been.