Stall

Chapter 104.

But he does want that, he's come so far with so many things and a lot of it he's done of his own accord with his own choices.

You can't change another person, only they can change themselves, granted they usually need support surrounding them for it, and I've watched so much change in him these past few months.

He's also made those changes in spite of himself, he's done all those things with that voice in his head telling him that he can't, that he wasn't capable and did it any way.

Do I just walk away from all of that?

Should I not consider the fact I love him in with his actions and what I do about it? Should I look at it as if he were a stranger and how I would feel about it? But then how does that make sense?

If we don't factor our feelings into our choices then we're all fucked, because then nothing we ever do would be redeemable to anyone else because everyone that cared about us would simply treat us like strangers.

You have larger limits for the people you love, it's how love works.

But then you have to make sure you have boundaries.

Love should not be infinitely unconditional... - what would have happened if my love for someone like Andy was unconditional?

What are the boundaries of still loving Harry but staying true to myself? Because it isn't just all about him, and I need to decide what I can live with.

I don't know if staying with him makes me awful, or leaving him makes me awful.

My head fucking hurts, but not as much as my heart.

I don't know how long I stood there with Jimmy, it would had have been at least ten minutes before I was able to calm down to sniffling, my eyes still welling with tears but at least I wasn't wailing like a damn banshee out the front of his house.

Okay - well maybe that was a dramatic description, but it's how I felt at the time.

"Is Harry at home?" Jimmy asks, keeping his hold on me that I still haven't moved away from.

"Yeah... He is, he's asleep. He doesn't know I've left yet... I left him a note" my voice sounds so rough from how raw my throat feels, and it feels like I'm starting to get a headache from the pressure in my head.

I can't help the guilt that's eating at me over that, I knew I needed to go and sort my head out but I just never want to hurt him, hurting him will never feel anything but gut wrenching to me.

"Fuck he's gonna love that when he wakes up - Steve can you head over there? Keep an eye on him. We all know he's prone to doing stupid shit" the worry in Jimmys voice is also making my heart hurt, because the worry sounds directed at both Harry and I.

There's an instant relief that washes over me though at the thought of Steve going there, just so Harry won't be alone.

I finally pull away from Jimmy, and rub my hands over my face; wiping at my eyes that feel swollen and absolutely exhausted from tears that I didn't think were going to stop.

I feel like maybe I needed that though, that explosion of grief to almost calibrate myself so I could just settle the fuck down and think straight. Keeping it inside and buried since Harry told me was only making it harder to focus on anything at all.

"Yeah of course, I just finished icing those cupcakes so I'll take those over for him - can't be sad when you've got some sugar" Steve agrees, giving me a look that shows how empathetic he feels about the whole situation.