Until There Was You

twenty-two

"I don't have to stay for this," Jude muttered. He didn't want to listen and if that made him a brat who cared. His eyes were welling up at the corners as he thought about the potential family they could have been. Without work. Without his mother's affair. Without all the problems that broke them apart.

He turned to open the door, but his mother stopped him. She had a tight grip on his wrist, forcing Jude to stay there. Jude was stronger and he could have easily escaped her hold, but something made him stay. Maybe it was the sliver of respect he still had left.

He glared back at his mother, sighing and finally collecting a seat. He tugged his hand from hers and shifted uncomfortably. He stared at his hands: his bruised and now healed knuckles, his calloused palms, his fingernails. Then his mother started talking—venturing, it seemed a thousand words from her mouth. She was like a radio that never stopped playing. Going on, and on, and on.

"When you were little, Judah..." she started, then stopped. "You were my entire world. I did so much for you, trying to be the perfect mother for her perfect son. But you have to understand that I had other things to worry about. I had to worry about them to make sure everything was right for you. You had to be right."

"It sounds like you were trying to control my life before I even had one," Jude inputted, not looking away from his shaky hands. "I'm not a robot, mother."

"I never gave the intention that you were," she informed. "I was doing what was best for you, and this family, and that company, Judah."

He gritted his teeth and chomped down on his jaw; he hated when people called him that.

"Course you were," he grinned, shaking his head rather sarcastically. "You're also cheating on dad because it's 'best for everyone,' right?"

It came out of nowhere. Like a gunshot or an outing. Three strikes you're out. It was the last straw and he couldn't contain himself anymore.

"What? Who told you that?"

"When were you gonna tell us, mother? When were you going to tell dad?"

He looked at her then. Shock overcame her face, skin as white as the hues of the moon outside. She looked as if she had just seen some disastrous, fanatical creature. Her lips were slightly open—speechless from his discovery.

"You weren't going to tell us," he confirmed as he took in his mother's features. Something in him wanted to believe that it wasn't true. He wanted to believe that his mother wasn't capable of destroying their family for her own lustful desires. He wanted her to prove him wrong until he couldn't recognize his own name. But when she didn't object it felt as if a sledge hammer smashed his skull in and bricks were falling on his chest. He nodded in a bitter manner.

"Judah," she said sharply. "When did you—"

"That doesn't matter mother. What matters is that you kept it from us?" his voice started to raise and he stood up. "Why? How could you do this? I should march right up and get dad. You know, tell him since you won't."

"Please," she pleaded and Jude noticed the desperation in her voice. Un-fucking-believable.

"That won't be necessary."

Remorse swelled in his heart as her voice imitated the tone she'd use at work. Stone cold. Dammit, if he had kept his mouth shut, and kept it all to himself, things would have ended differently tonight. He stared back at his mother, letting the memories of his childhood whirl around in his mind. She wasn't a completely bad mother. She had good in her.

He thought about those times his parents took him to the batting cages every Friday, and how they always ate ice cream cones right after. Under that tree in that park a few miles from their house. He remembered that time it was take-your-child-to-work day and his parents were so happy to show him around, bragging about how amazing their son was. It was when Jude didn't mind moving his dad's entities on his desk and pretending to busy himself with paperwork. As he got older they started to grow apart, and Jude could see it so clear now. It wasn't where they went wrong, it had been why they went wrong. It wasn't Jude's fault, it wasn't anyone's. Maybe, all along it was meant to happen. Maybe he was always meant to see them for who they really were. Human.