Running With Scissors

Animal Idioms and Other Non-Sequitur

"Hey, baby," said Peter with his most charming smile. "Is Georgie ready for me?"

"I'm 35," said Sarah in a deadpanned voice. "Not a baby. And yes...he is ready for you."

"Lead the way," said Peter, jolting up from his seat.

Sarah, however, didn't move.

"Before that," said Sarah, nibbling at her thumbnail, "I need your help to figure out something that's bothering me."

"If it's a legal thing, lemme just say that you can't afford me," said Peter.

"It's not like that," said Sarah, who bit off half her nail and accidentally swallowed it. "I just want you to confirm one thing for me."

"Run it by me, then," added Peter.

"It has no feet to run," commented Sarah. "Just come with me for a second."

Sarah led Peter to the door dividing Dr. George's office and the lobby. She opened it up a crack, enough to fit one eye to see inside. Maybe even a skinny gerbil. But one eye was enough.

"What am I seeing?" asked Peter while he peaked through the door.

"See Dr. George?" asked Sarah.

"Yeah," said Peter. And look at him he did. The doctor's feet were resting on the table as he leaned back on his chair, stuffing danishes into his mouth.

"Notice anything weird?" asked Sarah once again.

Peter, having no eye for details, didn't notice that Dr. George was suddenly missing an eye, and all of his hair. He also didn't catch the fact that Dr. George was missing at least three fingers, and had grown several scars all across his face.

"Nope," said Peter. "All good. Why?"

"He had all of his hair, and eyes, and fingers this morning," said Sarah. "And he normally doesn't have scars on his everywhere."

"Never really noticed," said Peter as he scratched his chin. "But who am I to judge?"

"I think he was replaced," said Sarah, closing the door as carefully as she could.

"What? That's crazy!" said Peter. "Of course that's Georgie."

"How can you be so sure?" asked Sarah.

"Because," said Peter, opening up the door again, "it says so on his coat."

Sure enough, it said "Dr. George" on his coat. A coat that was completely drenched in blood.

"But-" Sarah began to say, but her luck had run out. The "doctor" had already seen them.

"Mr. Katz!" said the doctor. "So happy to make the view of you! Please, do the entries in."

Peter went in with his usual swagger, leaving a very worried Sarah behind.

They have an idiom in Latin America to describe the foolish action of inadvertently going into a dangerous place: jumping into the wolf's mouth. Wolves, just like we do crabs, find us not immortal, delicious, dumb, and without the ability to bark, making its mouth a dangerous place to be.

Peter didn't realize he was jumping into the wolf's mouth when he took a seat across from the doctor.

"Hey, doc. Let's get this over with," said Peter. "I don't have all day."

"Yes, yes," said the doctor with his suspiciously white smile. "Let's make it the quick. Dr. Gee-or-jee does have limited day."

Sarah cleared her throat, making both men jump in their seat. None of them realized she was in the room.