Waiting For Stars

Chapter Ten

I was going to march right up to his door and ask him everything I want to know. That is after I walk all the way from Lenawee to Willow. I didn't care how tired I would be or how blistered my feet got. I was just excited to see Scott.

But let me tell you, that was the longest walk of my life. The anticipation only made it worse. I wanted to hear all about him and his past and get to know him, get to know the real Scott.

So once again, I find myself knocking on his front door, only this time I'm happy and full of excitement. But when no one answers the door, I get a slight bit curious.

Turning the door handle, I push the door open and step inside. Silly boy doesn't even lock his own doors.

"Scott?" I call, hoping for a response.

He's probably upstairs sleeping so I creep up the wooden steps to his bedroom. The door is closed and I decide whether or not I should invade his privacy or if should just come back later. I'm too happy to come back later, at least I was until I stepped into his room.

He was sleeping alright, right next to the girl I thought was my friend. Tears well up in my eyes and I don't even try to hold them back.

"Amber?" my voice is shaky and slightly defeated.

She scrambles out of the bed, waking up Scott in the process. "Carina-"

"I thought you were my friend." I squeak.

"I am-"

The color drains from my face, "No you aren't Amber. You're just like him, no you're worse,"

"I'm so sorry Carina," Scott pleas but I ignore him and smile softly to myself.

"My mom always told me that you can find light in the darkest of souls, that's no matter how bad a person seems, they are good. I now know she was wrong,"

Scott gets up and takes a step in my direction, "Bambi..."

"Don't, just please don't," I give a sad smile before turning to leave.

Have you ever felt so disappointed that all you can do is smile and give up? You know that point you get to when you think you're making progress but everything just comes back to bite you. Your hope is just diminished. And at this point, it's hard to see the good things in life?

Yup, I think I'm there. I don't know why expected him to be good when he'd never been good in his life. I tend to do that - I assume people can change for the better but they can't.

They just can't.

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Here I was, sitting in the Dr. Sullivan's office for the second time. We hadn't spoke a word for the past half hour and I wasn't going to break the silence.

"What's going on in that little brain of yours?"

"Look Doc, I'm not going to sit here and pour out my soul while you sit there without a care in the world. You don't care about my feelings, you just need to be paid, so I get it. I wouldn't expect you to tell me how you're feeling so don't expect me to," my tone was dark and angry.

"Your right, I don't care especially when you want to disrespectful and I know you don't care about what I have to say," he shrugs and kicks off his shoes and puts his feet on the desk.

"Yeah, whatever," I mutter.

He chuckles, "I get it Cari, you're hurt and upset. You are so angry at the world all because your friends did you wrong,"

"Don't belittle me," I snap, crossing my arms over my chest.

"Call it what you want Cari. I couldn't care less, all I'm going to say is that it'll get better. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but it will," He pulls out my file, "I recall your Aunt telling me that you've been through a lot, but you got past it. It got better, didn't it?"

"No it fucking didn't!" I shout.

I run out of the office, tears streaming down my face as I run all the way to the burnt remains of Aunt Lu's house. I walk into the kitchen to see the scorched walls and the burnt furniture. Then I go upstairs to my bedroom, and open up my mums safe. Her stuff is still in perfect shape - all the pictures, the letters, everything.

I pull out the box of letters. Most of them were from times when she was out of town, some were from lunches at school and some were just birthday and Christmas cards. Nevertheless, I began reading them. Page by page, from ink to pencil.

My favorite one was her in her will. Aside from all her requests, she wrote me a letter that I never thought would be relevant until now.

My Dear Carina,

Because your reading this, it must mean that the unexpected has happened. I've moved on and I'm sorry for leaving you there by yourself. I don't know how old you will be when you read this but I'm sorry that I'm not there to see you continue to grow.

Right now, you're only seven years old and you're so young and innocent. I remember dropping you off at ballet just this morning. You really love ballet, don't you? I hope you will always love ballet.

Baby girl, I know this must be hard for you and I know you're hurting. But things with get better, I promise. Just like when daddy was sick, he got better. All things do. Whether you're going through a breakup or a broken friendship, I want you to know that it'll get better.

Remember what I always tell you? You can find light in the darkest of souls, that's no matter how bad a person seems, they are good. We'll that doesn't just apply to people, that can apply to anything you're going through. There's always a light at the end of the tunnel, just don't stop until you reach it.

I can't seem to finish it right now, the tears have blurred my vision and they've started to drip onto the letter. I don't want to ruin it so I put it away and pull out my journal. I decide to do something that I haven't done in a while. Write a letter to my mom.

Mom,

Hi, it's your daughter, Carina remember? Of course you remember, how could you forget? I miss you mommy, do you miss me?

Things are hard right now and they're only getting harder everyday. I met this boy, Scott. He's so hurt mum, and so broken. I thought that maybe he could be fixed but I don't think that anymore. He broke my heart. How he managed to do that in three weeks? I couldn't tell you if my life depended on it.

He slept with my friend Amber who ironically told me he wasn't good. Some friend I have. But it hurt so bad and I know you would tell me to stay strong but I don't know if I can. I liked him, a lot and he completely ignored how I felt.

I can feel myself growing angry and I can't stop. I don't want to be this way, I want to be happy again. I need you to help me be happy again. It seems almost impossible to do without you but I know you would want me to try, so that's what I'll do. I'll try.

Love Baby Girl.

I curl up in my smoke scented bed and begin to cry. This is so hard, harder than ever before. If never in my life expect to go through something like this and now look at me. I need my mom, I need Gracie. But most of all,

I want Scott.