hampus' showerhead had a lot more power than mine, and the water got much hotter than anything i'd ever experienced. i turned it to the highest temperature possible and let it pound against my chest as i tried to forget the events that occurred in the past few hours.
evelina. anders. together.
my mind couldn't process what i'd just seen in front of my own eyes. i tried to convince myself that i'd only been dreaming, but it was no use. i would have to live with that image for the rest of my life. it was the price i had to pay for taking hampus away from her--witnessing her take anders away from me.
i began to feel an overwhelming amount of guilt, wondering why i would think such a thing. anders wasn't mine anymore. what was wrong with me? why is that the first thing that comes to mind when i think about what happened?
i lowered the temperature of the water before allowing it to flow over my face, rubbing my hands across my cheeks and forehead. i began to wonder if all of this was a mistake. i had no clue what i was getting myself into by being in a relationship with hampus. he abused drugs, struggled with suicide and mental illness, was well very well known across social media...is this the kind of person i'd trust with my heart?
a gentle knock on the bathroom door caused the thoughts racing through my mind to come to a sharp, unexpected halt. i exhaled in relief, glad i finally got what i wanted for once. no thoughts. head empty.
i wasn't sure how to respond to the sound. in all honesty, i didn't want to be around hampus after seeing how violent he'd gotten firsthand. what if i upset him? would he put his hands on me?
i couldn't help but think of all of the possible outcomes resulting in me inviting him into the bathroom. he'd know by the look on my face that i'd been having second thoughts. what if he completely lost it? there's not much i could do from inside of the shower.
"klara? are you okay?" he asked from the other side of the door. "i knew you took long showers, but an hour is pretty extreme. is the water even hot anymore?"
an hour? had it really been that long? the water was hotter than ever, and my fingers weren't wrinkly. i turned the water off and wrapped myself in the cotton towel he left hanging over the glass door before stepping out, one foot after the other. "sorry," i said, "i didn't know i was in there for so long. i'll be out in a minute."
i heard him walk away as i rubbed the fog off the bathroom mirror. i couldn't recognise myself; it was like looking at a ghost. i pulled my hair away from my eyes and inhaled deeply before opening the door and exiting his bathroom, turning the light out on the way. when i turned back towards his room, he was standing there, right in front of me.
i looked down as i spoke to him, saying, "i'm sorry for taking so long. the water is still hot if you want to shower now."
i could feel his eyes on me. i imagined them being sharper than a knife.
"why won't you look at me?" hampus asked, his voice low. "you haven't looked at me since the park bench. are you upset with me?"
i shook my head, clutching my towel tightly. "no. i could never be mad at you. i don't have any clothes on."
he put his fingers beneath my chin and lifted my head up, his eyes tinged with worry as he said, "i'm sorry if i scared you earlier. i shouldn't have let you see me like that; i never get like that. i was just so angry and i--" he stopped, fumbling for the right words to say. "i'm not like that, okay? i'm a good person, you know that."
i simply nodded, not sure what to say to him. i knew he'd guess what was wrong before i'd said anything about it. even though we hadn't been together long, he still knew me inside and out. it was one of the main reasons why i chose to be with him.
he knew the darkest parts of me, yet he was still here.
"i'm sorry. i've just never seen you like that is all," i told him, finally meeting his eyes. "i just keep thinking about how hard you must've been hitting him for you to get hurt by it."
he nodded slowly. "i know. i really hope you can forgive me, i didn't mean to scare you, i don't know what got in to me, i wouldn't have done it if it wasn't for you."
i nodded in agreement as i broke eye contact to look down at the floor. it was slightly uncomfortable having a serious conversation when the only thing that covered my body was a towel. "i should probably put my clothes on now," i murmured, playing with the material of the cloth. i heard hampus laugh softly, and he replied, "yeah, you're right. i need to step out for a minute and get stuff for dinner, okay? if you need me, call me, i'll answer."
"okay," i said, smiling to myself. it always made me feel warmer whenever he expressed how much he cared for me. he rested his hand on my cheek and lifted my face once more so he could kiss my mouth before turning to leave.
