Hampus, leaning against my door frame and crying.
Hampus, saying he didn't want to do this anymore.
Hampus, blood dripping from his nose.
Hampus, telling me how much he loved her. asking me why she would leave. asking me why he was alive. telling me that he wanted to end it all. telling me that he wanted to crash into the sky. telling me that he would pop all of the pills he owned and go to sleep because i just want it to fucking end, i fucking hate this so much.
then his body collapsed into mine and he was crying and wailing into my shoulder, shaking uncontrollably.
"what's going on?" i questioned, trying to comfort him by rubbing his back. he pushed me away and wiped his nose with his sleeve, coughing. i crossed my arms to keep myself from wiping the tears off of his face. there was probably blood and snot on my sweater but i was too worried to care.
he was hurting.
i stood silently, waiting for him to talk to me. waiting for him to ask for my help. waiting for him to explain what was going on. waiting for him to tell me how i could help him. waiting for him to give me something.
waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting--
"she told me she would never leave me. before she hung up the phone it was never hejdä, goodbye. it was älskar dig, i love you. she was shy around everyone but me. i know her more than i know myself, and she's gone," he rambled, stuttering and sniffling between words.
i looked at him for a long time, trying to decide what i should do with him. he means nothing to me. we're not family, we're not friends, we're not bekant. acquainted.
he's only Hampus and i'm only Klara and we're both just trying to get by.
"Hampus," i said sternly, looking up at him. he wouldn't meet my eye, even though i dared to meet his.
i said his name again, louder, and with more authority.
he looked at me, wiping his nose with his sleeve for the hundredth time.
"can you just sit for a minute? breathe and clear your mind?"
the distance between us remained. i'd never touch him; i had no reason to. this is something i continued to remind myself as i continued to cater to him. as i wiped the blood from his face with a warm cloth, my other hand rested on the edge of my bed. when i gave him a change of clothes i placed them on his lap instead of risking the chance of our fingers brushing against each other.
i knew that if i touched him, it would be over. i would have to help him and helping him meant loving him and i loved Anders. i would always love Anders. he was mine and i was his and Hampus Goode would not come out of nowhere and make me love him. at the end of the day, i knew my last name would no longer be Magnusson, it would become Åksberg when Anders and i married and lived happily ever after.
was it wrong for me to put all of myself into the future?
"why did you come to Sweden?" Hampus asked as i reached to turn off the living room lamp. he was going to sleep in the living room on the couch. i tried to convince him to sleep in Evelina's room but he said it would make him feel worse.
not wanting to tell him the story of how i left my family in Norway, i sighed and turned the lamp off. "sova. sleep," i said softly. it was late and i was exhausted and probably missed Anders' call.
how could i miss Anders' call.
what would i say to him? Hampus has come over and i'm taking care of him until morning. is this okay?
he would be incredibly upset with me. everything would be off the table and i would receive the silent treatment for my poor actions. that was always what happened when i did something that upset Anders, even if it wasn't my intention.
even if all i wanted to do is help.
"Klara?"
"hm."
i could hear him moving due to the infinite stretch of silence that filled the apartment. Sweden was asleep, and we were disturbing its peace.
"why don't you talk about your family?" he asked, speaking softly. i'd never suspected him to be so quiet. even if it was during the night.
i cleared my throat. "mumma wanted me to be something that i was not. pappa met her when she was young and gave her a child. well, he gave her me. and i was never what she desired. she used to tell me: Klara, hvem er du? who are you? du er ikke barnet mitt. you are not my child. and after being told you don't belong for sixteen years, you believe it. you believe that when people look at you, it's because you are different. no one in Oslo had skin the colour of mine; no one in Oslo had hazel eyes. i was an alien in my own country.
"Anders has family in Oslo and we ran into each other on my birthday. i left my house because i couldn't stand to hear my mother telling my father how much greater my other siblings were. blonde hair and blue eyes, translucent skin. i wanted to do whatever it took to change myself so my mother was happy with me. i wanted everything to stop, really, but i was too afraid of the after.
"what happens after i jump off of Oslo Plaza and my mind spontaneously combusts? what happens after i poison myself with things i shouldn't ingest? what happens after i end everything that is Klara Magnusson forever? stopping my heart would have been a permanent solution to a temporary problem. it took me a long time to fully understand this, and i didn't truly understand until i met Anders. he gave me all i ever wanted. acceptance, love, appreciation. everything i lacked, he had twice the amount within him."
i didn't realise i was crying until Hampus turned the lamp back on. my vision was blurred and i couldn't breathe—i was panicking.
nothing would ever be the same as it had when i was sixteen. when Anders' father died, he completely changed. he was never sober and he was mentally and physically abusive.
nothing would ever be the same.
"Klara?"
i wiped my eyes and looked up at him. i was sitting on the floor in front of the couch with my legs pulled up to my chest. it felt like the entire world was looking at me; waiting for me to explode. waiting for me to go back to Oslo Plaza. waiting for me to poison myself. waiting for me to just stop.
"that's all you do in this world. you just wait and wait and wait, but i'm so tired of waiting. i don't want to survive schooling only to go through it again. i don't want to build a family because i'm afraid it'll become like my own. i don't want any of this," i said quickly as i wiped my eyes with my cold fingers. "i want my life to be more than a wait. i'm so fucking tired of Stockholm and all of the shitty people that live here. i can't go back to Oslo. i have nowhere to go; i've never had anywhere to go."
when i looked up, Hampus was frowning. i don't think i've ever seen him smile before.
isn't it crazy to watch someone in pain before you've seen them in peace?
Hampus and i sat in the living room together for hours and talked about everything that went wrong.
it didn't occur to me that this would be the only thing that went right in the past eighteen years of my life.
