Evelina was going to take him back.
this isn't unusual if i'm being quite honest, it happens nearly every few months.
she'll complain about him, and i'll suggest that they split, because it doesn't make sense to stay in a relationship if you're unhappy. then she would take my advice just as i'd given it and break up with him. while she's out—perfectly fine without him i must say—he'll lock himself in his room and take any drugs he can get his hands on while making equally depressing music about how much he wants to kill himself. then, Evelina will see something on his social media or he'll call her crying, and she'll come back to me and ask for advice on what she should do now. i always tell her to do what she feels is right because this decision is going to affect her life, not mine. i tell her this every time i give her advice. but i don't entirely give her advice when it pertains to taking him back, since i already know that she's going to get back with him regardless.
i tried to clear my mind by playing my acoustic guitar, but it was no use. all i could think about were my current issues and how much i missed him.
but i don't want to be caught in the middle of something as toxic as their situation. who knows if Hampus truly has feelings for me? he could just be using me because he doesn't have anyone else. i may look harmless and naïve, but even the prettiest flowers can be poisonous.
all you have to do is take a bite.
i had over 100 notifications from him alone, but i didn't bother to communicate with him since he "confessed his love for me" in order to remain strong. i was too nice to neglect people but the fact that he was incredibly broken made it much harder.
every minute i spend with you feels like the best decision i could ever make.
i cleared my throat and shook my head as if it would make the memories go away. no one had ever spoken to me just as he did; it made me feel like i was swimming in honey.
my phone rang for the third time today and i took a deep breath before answering it, putting it on speaker and laying it on my bed gently.
"Klara?"
i bit the inside of my lip nervously. "hej, Hampus. hi. sorry for not answering," i said.
"det är okej. it's okay. how are you?"
"i'm okay. i haven't really been doing anything lately." i strummed the strings idly and waited for him to say something similar to what he'd told me to my face merely a few days ago. waited for my feelings to resurface.
once i realised he had nothing to say, i tried to speak. it resulted in us speaking at the same time, causing me to laugh nervously and tug on a strand of my hair.
"you can go first," i told him as i put my guitar aside and laid on my stomach. i traced the designs on my bedsheets and made sure the volume was turned up on my phone. i didn't want to miss a single word, even though i'd ignored him for days on end.
Hampus sighed, "i miss you Klara."
i nodded as if he could see me. i didn't know what to tell him. of course i missed him, too, but i wasn't supposed to tell him so. i missed a lot of people.
"what have you been doing?" i questioned, attempting to change the subject. trying to convince myself that he had genuine feelings for me was like trying to play guitar with my left hand when i learned to use my right. the idea of us against the world was satisfying, yet deceiving. there was no way that he truly wanted me just as he'd said. there was no way he truly spoke his mind that afternoon.
what had he even told Anders on the phone? they hate each other.
remembering that i was on the phone, i cleared my throat. "sorry, my connection went bad. did you say something?"
laughing, he responded, "no, i didn't say anything."
i furrowed my eyebrows in confusion, wondering if he was being sarcastic or if he'd really ignored my question. we haven't spent enough time around each other for me to know when his tone changes or how he articulates different words.
in all honesty, it didn't matter how long i'd been around him. whenever we're together i pay the utmost attention to him. how else would i be able to describe him so well? why else would i know what each and every tattoo on his body looks like?
i wanted to run my fingers over his bare skin and kiss all of his pain away. i wanted to spend morning and evenings with him; wake up and feel his arm slung around me. i wanted to make him smile and laugh and look at me like i was the world. i wanted to be his world, or at least a part of it.
when it rained i would make tea and we'd watch all of his favourite shows with the windows cracked and our arms around each other. i could take him everywhere so he wouldn't be able to look at a shop without remembering the good times we had in it. i could paint him i could sing to him i could write words overlapping words about how i love him so much.
"Klara?"
i sighed and rubbed my eyes, trying to keep my composure when i knew i couldn't. not anymore.
"i want to see you," i said quickly.
he laughed softly. "you wanna see me? last time i was there you told me to leave."
"that was last time."
there was a brief silence. what was he thinking?
"what are you thinking?" i asked, chewing the inside of my cheek.
more silence. did he mute the call? had he hung up? would i hear the dial tone soon?
then i heard him inhale, "i'm thinking i wanna see you too, Lara."
i laughed and shook my head. "don't call me Lara."
"would you like it better if i called you something else? you seem like someone who likes nicknames. what's your favourite, huh? you want me to call you baby? now that i think about it, you seem like the princess type—"
"if you agree to meet me i'll tell you," i interrupted, smiling.
Hampus gasped dramatically. "is it dirty? you don't seem like the type who likes to be called slut. or do you prefer whore?"
i hung up, my face warming up from how embarrassed i was. i wasn't trying to be dirty, i was trying to be adorable. i've never been the type to initiate anything sexual. Anders always took the lead, and he did a damn good job at it. i never thought about taking things into my own hands because i was too scared that i would mess up. what if i did something he didn't like? or what if i did something wrong?
my phone rang and i answered it quickly, holding it to my ear.
"Hampus."
"Lara," he responded, laughing softly. he sounded like he was smiling. i hoped that he was smiling. "can you come here? i'm not feeling well."
"yeah. yeah, i can come there. are you okay?" i stood from my spot on the bed and looked at myself in the mirror. would it be appropriate to meet him wearing the hoodie he left?
"i'm only tired, don't worry. do you want me to sneak you in or can you talk to my parents? they don't speak norsk. norwegian."
i rolled my eyes and took my hairband out, pulling my hair behind my ear. "jag vet svenska, Hampus. i know swedish. you want me to talk with your parents?"
"fuck no. are you dumb?"
i laughed and took my keys off of my dresser on my way out of my room, then slid my black sneakers on at the door. "send me directions. adjö. bye."
