Members: Jeongin x Chan
Genre: angst
Scenario: Jeongin hates himself and wants nothing more than to just feel something other than sadness.
Warnings: mentions of self harm
__________
If you asked what Jeongin's favorite hobby was, he'd tell you that cutting was his favorite past time without hesitation. He loved the sting and pain of it. He loved the satisfaction the blood gave him. He loved that it made him feel something new.
If you asked what Chan's favorite hobby was, he'd tell you that spending time with Jeongin was his favorite past time without hesitation. He loved looking into the maknae's eyes and seeing the sparkle in them. He loved listening to his giggle, it was prettier than any music he could ever produce. He loved watching him dance and sing.
And if you asked the two who their favorite member was, well, they'd say they didn't have one. But really, they'd say it was the other.
Chan loved everything about Jeongin. Well, almost everything. There were a few things Chan wished were gone. He wished the fake smiles and the sleepless nights and the scars were gone. Chan wished Jeongin was as happy as he pretended to be.
Jeongin wished the same. But he knew wishes didn't come true, so he learned to deal with it.
---
Jeongin and Hyunjin we're walking back from school. The older noticed a slight bruise forming under the maknae's right eye, "Innie, what happened to your eye?"
"Oh, nothing. I was trying to pull my blanket up and accidentally punched myself last night," he laughed. Hyunjin knew it wasn't the truth, but didn't want to pry, so he let it be.
When the two got to the dorm, Jeongin immediately locked himself in his room. The boy dug through one of his drawers and pulled out a small box. A necklace once took up the space inside, but now it was filled with razor blades and a piece of tissue paper littered with lines and dots of dried blood.
Jeongin smiled to himself and picked up a small blade he took out of a pencil sharpener. He sat on the floor and lifted up his pant leg and pulled down his sock. He stared at the fading scars on and around his ankle, not liking that they weren't as dark as they used to be.
He dug his blade into the skin next to his ankle and tore it open. He repeated this over and over, eventually moving up to his calf. The floor was bloodied as his numerous cuts continued to leak. He savored the feeling of euphoria he was in.
He did, until the door opened and he heard a gasp. His head snapped up to the direction of the doorway and felt his bottom lip begin to quiver, "Ch-Chan hyung, I can explain."
"Oh my god, Jeongin! I thought you stopped! Are you okay?"
The elder rushed over to the bleeding boy and picked him up, taking him into the bathroom across the hall. Jeongin couldn't talk, instead he just cried.
He cried as Chan wiped the blood away. He cried as the older boy cleaned the cuts. He cried as his leg was bandaged. He just couldn't stop crying. He felt so awful for letting Chan down.
It was all so different when no one knew. No one knew about his bullies beating him up and cursing him almost everyday. No one knew about his secret stash of blades. No one knew. But now Chan knew. And Jeongin felt extremely ashamed.
Chan wiped away the younger boy's tears, "Innie, I thought you stopped. What's going on?"
"I-I..." Jeongin broke down again, "Chan, everything feels like it's falling apart! Everyone hates me. They shove me and yell at me and beat me and they...they do everything in their power to make sure I'm suffering! Cutting makes me feel something other than the heaviness in my chest! And-And I can never seem to do anything right here either! I can't dance, I can't sing, I can't do anything! And god I hate myself for it! I-"
Chan had had enough, "Jeongin, shut up! None of that is true. Please, don't believe anything they say. You're such a talented person, Innie. The boys and I need you, you complete this group. We wouldn't be us without you."
Jeongin sniffled, "That doesn't change anything that happens at school. Or in my head. Nothing changes that, Chan."
Chan didn't even care that the maknae wasn't using honorifics, "I know, but cutting isn't the answer. It's only making it worse."
"Don't you think I know that Chan?! I know that! But it makes me feel better, in that moment at least. So much better. Don't you have something like that? Something that makes your day so much better no matter how crappy it was?"
Chan nodded, "I do, Jeongin. It's you."
"W-What? What are you talking about?"
"That something that can make an awful day so much better, is you. I always look forward to spending time with you after a stressful day in the studio. Listening to your giggle makes me so happy. Seeing you smile makes me smile."
Jeongin looked at Chan, shocked, "But...why?"
Chan grabbed Jeongin's hand, the boy flinched, "Because, it's you. You've always made me happy."
Jeongin took his hand away from Chan's grasp, "That's such a bad idea. I can't be someone else's happiness if I'm not happy. It-It doesn't work like that!"
Jeongin got up and went to the doorway of the bathroom and whispered,
"It doesn't work like that."
_____
This one's kinda short and different than what I usually write. Tell me what you think? There will probably be a part two? Maybe not? I don't know.
Should I write a part two or leave it?
Also, if you have any requests, please give them to me! I'd love to write for you guys because I'm starting to run out of ideas!
So please request here.
