Members: Jisung x Felix
Genre: angst
Scenario: Jisung's basically dead to the entire world. Except his favorite Aussie, but he's not even enough at times.
**Note: Stray Kids is not a group in this oneshot.
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Jisung's POV
I can't say I'm special, or attractive, or smart. I can't say I have goals for life, or that I know what my purpose for living is. I especially can't say I'm happy.
I'm the farthest thing from happy.
But there's the times I'm with him. The times I'm in his arms and he's kissing me and telling me how much he loves me.
Felix Lee was my boyfriend. I had struggled with mental illness my entire life it seemed, but then he came around. He fixed me and made me whole again. He taught me how to love myself.
But then he had to leave.
He had to move back to Australia. I wasn't mad at him, no. But I was mad at the universe for teasing me. It gave me this amazing boy who loved me and saw past all of my imperfections, and then it yanked him away.
Sure we texted and called each other, but it wasn't the same. And eventually I broke it off because I couldn't handle the long distance; we still stayed in touch.
But that wasn't enough.
The texts Felix sent when I was in a pit of deep self hatred didn't mean as much as when I could hear his words.
He'd pull me close and play with my hair and use that soothing, deep voice of his to tell me how beautiful I was and how he could never love someone else.
Reading it just didn't help as much.
Nothing helped.
And that's probably the reason why I've made my way up to my apartment building's roof. I sat on the edge, legs dangling over. The asphalt looked so mesmerizing and I just couldn't wait to feel it.
And then all I could see was Felix. All the times we were together. It was like a movie playing in my brain and I so badly just wanted it to stop.
I cried as the memories continued to play over and over again in my head. I just wanted him back. I needed him back. He was the only reason I wasn't dead. He kept me alive.
I was surprised I lasted this long, honestly. He's been gone for a few months, but I wanted to stay strong for him. But there was nothing going for me. I had no one.
I didn't even have Felix anymore.
I sobbed, inching closer to the edge of falling off. Just a little push and I'd be out of my misery. My ten year battle with mental illness would be over. The days of extreme pain and sadness gone, nights of crying and bleeding gone, my existence...gone.
That brought a smile to my face. I'd be gone. And no one would even miss me. Felix wouldn't even know so he wouldn't even have to be upset. I could die and no one would care or notice.
I liked that. A lot.
I was about to push off when my phone went off. I groaned, why did I even bring it with me?
I really wasn't going to bother with it, it was probably some random number. No one ever called me. But the ringtone surprised me. I had a special ringtone for Felix, Dance The Night Away by TWICE. I always made fun of him for it, but he loved the girl group. It was actually really cute watching him dance to their songs.
The song he loved so much was playing. I tried with everything in me not to answer, but I had to hear his voice one last time.
I fumbled with the phone and answered it, hoping he couldn't tell I had been crying, "H-Hey."
"Hey Jisung! Sorry it's been so long since we've talked, I've really been busy."
I squeezed my eyes shut, trying not to get emotional, "N-No, it's okay."
"I have good ne-"
I cut him off, it was becoming too much, "Felix, I love you. You know that, right?"
"Yes, of course I do. I-Is everything okay?"
"I just wanted to let you know. I really love you," I choked out.
"Jisung, what's going on? Please talk to me, you're scaring me."
Even being so far apart, I couldn't lie to him. He still had this power over me, "Felix, I can't do this. You were my life line. I'm so sorry, but I'm gonna jump."
"Jisung! No, please! Just talk to me!"
I sobbed, "I can't. I miss you so much. I'll always love you."
I inched closer, I was barely sitting on the ledge.
"Jisung, I love you so much. Please don't jump."
He was crying, too. It was my fault. I caused him pain, and I hated myself even more. I set the phone down beside me and put it on speaker. I sniffled, "Goodbye, Felix."
I heard him screaming for me to stop, but it was too late. I pushed off. I was flying and it felt so nice.
But then, I realized what I had just done. I jumped off of a three story building...and for what? A boy?
There were so many alternatives! Why didn't I think of them so much sooner?! I've made such a huge mistake! But it was too late...
The hood of a car grew closer and then there was nothing.
I was dead.
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This is my first time writing something like this so hopefully it's good. I don't know, tell me what you think.
