Retribution: The Cure for Agony

Chapter 4: Guilty

The dramatic change in health and expression of myself didn't make a lot of sense as she knew how I felt about Daniel a couple weeks ago. I always had problems when I talked with her, such as the schizophrenia, but that was brought under control with a few episodes here and there. She also knew the schizophrenia managed to feed off of my anxiety and I wasn't worried about Daniel even when I was first admitted to the hospital. I knew I was safe for the time being.

Despite the absence of fear, I still learned how to defend myself against individuals like him. Honestly, the idea of fighting Daniel wasn't much compared to the numerous amounts of quarrels I've been in with dealers and others I didn't get along with. So when I think about it, there was absolutely no reason for me to fear some inbred cuck like Daniel.

I cocked my head to the side. "You think I'm lying?"

Her eyes widened slightly and she pressed her lips into a fine line. I couldn't tell what she was thinking and definitely wasn't going to take a guess. She practically read people for a living; it wouldn't surprise me if she could hide certain tells. Heaven knows I've been wrong before.

"No, I don't. I'm just trying to understand exactly how you feel. From what I gather, perhaps you're more afraid of what he represents rather than the person himself." Rachel stopped for a second, clicking her pen as she looked up at me. I didn't flinch. "He reminds you of what it was to be helpless and now he's like a monster walking around, taunting you with what you felt during the incident."

We sat there silently for a few minutes as I thought of what to say. Back when she first started taking my lies more seriously, she remained very patient as I worked up the courage to tell her what was happening. Most of the time it wasn't the complete truth, but she was able to deduce a couple of exercises or conclusions that could benefit me. Sometimes those conclusions weren't always spot on, but they did teach me different ways people could react to things.

"You know she's half right," my sister said, appearing in the corner of the room. "Why don't you tell her?"

My face turned pale while an uncontrollable feeling churned inside of me. I became nauseous-sick at the sight of her.

I tightly closed my eyes.

You're not here...

She's not here.

Come on! Disappear!

I strained, wishing her away, but she continued to talk. "When was the last time you really gave me any thought or emotion? Hm? Was it the night before you met Alice? Maybe before?"

I wanted to be saved. I needed to forget.

My heart bounced against my ribs like a paddle ball, beating adrenaline through my body. I desperately searched my mind, trying to remember the reasons for my resolve that day, but my explanation felt inadequate as I blamed others for my actions. If only I could cast the blame, then maybe I could channel this deep-seated pain into anger.

"She isn't real," I said to myself, panicking as my guilty conscience smothered me with thoughts of abandonment.

I was supposed to take her with me, but I left her.

He could be abusing her right now and I'm here worried about something that happened five years ago.

She could even be dead and I'd never get to apologize for lying...

God, what have I done?

"Who isn't real?" Rachel jumped on the comment, making me realize I spoke aloud. I opened my eyes to find a worried expression on her face. There was no excuse that would make her believe I wasn't seeing things. If she saw how bad it could get or actually realized I was having an episode, she would call a mental institution or the police.

I nervously got off the couch and scrambled for the door. Charlotte's forgotten presence was behind me, closing the distance with every second I stayed in that small room. I could feel the walls getting closer and closer...

Come on! Open! Just fucking open!

With enough frantic handling, I unlocked it and sprinted down the hallway.

"Alistair, please come back and talk to me!" I glanced back to see Rachel standing in the doorway and my baby sister clutching her side. Charlotte looked younger than I remembered and she had such a devilish countenance.

Maybe it won't be my revenge this week.

"Tell her, tell her," Charlotte's sweet voice echoed in my head. I reached up, clutching my ears, longing for it to stop.

~~ Five years ago ~~

"What do you mean you're leaving?" Charlotte's pained expression hit me like a spear. I knew it was time for me to move on with my life, but I couldn't take her. My father wouldn't let me and even if I managed to get her out of the house, he would call the police and I'd be arrested for kidnapping. I could always tell them the truth, but he would find a way to turn the tables and make it look like I was a horrible son-a monster.

I leaned down, smiling at her. I wondered what I should say to her and what the right answer would be. It was sad to think the only experience I had with permanent goodbyes was the last time I spoke to my mother. I asked if I'd see her again and she told me I would, but I could tell it was a bare-faced lie. Even though she never came back, it gave me a sense of relief and time to get over her absence.

So I lied, "You know I'll be back."

Tears started forming in her eyes and her cheeks turned bright red. She attempted to control her response, but whimpered out a cry. I realized she wasn't like me. She wouldn't embrace the lie to alleviate the pain, but rather hang onto it as a form of hope-as if it was the truth.

My expression grew weak, realizing how much this would break her trust.

~~~

"Fuck, fuck, fuck!" I yelled as I paced back and forth in the living room. I stopped and laced my fingers through my hair. My chest tightened and breathing became erratic.

Could I face my past? Could I bear the guilt?

"No, I deserve this."

But it felt different when she was standing in front of me, longing for an explanation. Her presence alone evoked the reminder that my pain and torment was because I disowned her.

My head started to spin so I froze and looked up at the fireplace mantel where the TV sat.

I put her in the crossfire between my dad and I, but her life had to be the collateral in turn for my freedom. She was a pawn in a game of power and I wasn't ready to lose. God... maybe these feelings I'd been having aren't about what Daniel made me feel during that day, but rather trying to remind me of the reason it happened.

Bang!

My body slumped against the loveseat, knocking it into the wall. Tears dribbled down my cheeks and landed on the thick cotton of my hoodie. Before covering my face with its sleeves, I sucked air through my teeth.

I never correctly worked through my guilt in leaving her. Instead I buried my feelings in a woman who ended up betraying me.

God, I always do this.

I always ran from the truth and it changed me for the worse. I should have stood up to my father more. I should have said something to someone, but I didn't think they would believe me.

"Focus, focus..." I slowly inhaled and exhaled. I needed to focus on the Roberts. That was all that mattered now.

Revenge is the only thing that matters.