and then you left // cth

chapter 42: goodbye.

I will not forget how much I love her.

With this, I open my front door and I step outside. I unlock my car and get inside and jam the key inside the ignition. I take a deep breath and look back to back out of the driveway.

But after this, I will never again look back.

And then I drive down the street, towards Luke's house. And I prepare to say goodbye to Lex, for good.

...

I pull up in front of Luke's house and put my car into park. Immediately, I turn to look towards Lex's house. The afternoon sun is reflecting off of the windows, so there is no chance for me to see inside. But the curtains are opened, and the house seems well lit and lively. But this will only last for a few minutes more, as the light of that house and my life is leaving.

Luke opens the passenger door just as my breathing begins to slow. I don't look at Luke, I can't tear my eyes away from that house, the one that kept her safe when I couldn't these past few months. Maybe I owe everything to that goddamn house.

"Cal," Luke starts, and reaches to touch my shoulder, as if making sure I'm still alive. "Are you gonna be okay?" He says the words, goes through the motions, but really he is asking if I'm sure I want to do this.

Realistically, it is not a good idea for me to go to the airport with him. They deserve a goodbye on their own. But I won't be able to live with myself if the last time I see her is the time she told me she was done. That would kill me, among other things. So maybe it is selfish of me to want to go. But I think that there comes a point in time when closure and acceptance are some of the best gifts you can give yourself.

Suddenly, Alexis's door opens, and I exhale. She comes out of the house, suit case in tow. She is wearing ripped jeans and a sweatshirt, despite the warm California afternoon. As she walks to her grandmother's car, I swear we make eye contact, just for a split second. But my windows are tinted and we are parked far away from her, so maybe it was just me being clingy.

Soon, her grandmother comes out of the house, wiping her eyes a single time. The way that she is looking at Lex with such a soft look on her face tells me that she won't be coming back anytime soon.

As much as I hate myself for thinking this, I feel as if it is best if she stays away.

Lex goes back into the house one more time before they get into the car. But before they leave, I watch as she stands back and really looks at the house one more time. She stares at it for a long time, as if trying to memorize everything about it.

And then she turns, and her gaze shifts to Luke's house. Though she can't possibly see me through the tinted glass of my Jeep, I swear her eyes linger on my car for just a second longer than they should. She knows. Of course she knows.

And then she shuts her eyes for a few moments. When she opens them back up, she turns around and gets into the car without a second look.

They begin to drive, and we follow close behind. Luke keeps complaining about how bored he'll be without her, and then looks at me like I'm fragile and apologizes for saying things like that. He says he doesn't know what's gotten into him.

I don't tell him this, but I don't know either.

We get to the airport and pull over in the drop off terminal, right across from Lex's car. I watch as she opens her door, and gets out of the car. I think I'm going to throw up.

Luke sees her, and begins to undo his seatbelt. He turns and looks at me. "Are you coming?" He asks with a concerned but rushed look on his face. Something tells me he wants me to say no.

I shake my head, unable to speak. He nods, and gets out of the car quickly, to catch her.

I watch with the windows rolled up, and so I hear nothing of their interaction. I can only watch and assume what they're saying.

She hears him yell her name behind her and she turns around. Her face lights up when she sees him, and she pulls him in for a hug. But as soon as they embrace, her eyes flick back and forth as they look for me. They finally stop when they settle on my Jeep, and she squints in attempt to see through the glass at a far distance. She points to it, and says something to Luke. He looks back at me before responding. She nods somberly. My heart breaks.

She pulls him in one more time, giving him a final squeeze. And then he takes a step back and touches her shoulder, and then he walks to the side.

Her eyes settle back on my car, and she begins to walk over to it. I'm in denial as this happens, up until the very moment her beautiful face is right outside my driver's side window. She's nearly standing in the street, and for that very reason, I roll my window down.

"I knew it was you," She whispers to me. I am overly aware that there is an entire car door between us, keeping us apart.

"I couldn't have let you leave without a goodbye," I say softly, and she closes her eyes for just a moment.

In my peripheral vision, I see her grandmother get out of their car. She sees Lex with me and shouts for her that she's going to miss her flight.

Lex looks back at her and for one moment looks truly torn. Everything in me is telling me to stop her from leaving. Every single thought in my brain is screaming at me. I want to tell her to stop, I love her, don't leave, we can always be together.

And so I don't say anything. I don't say anything as she leans through the open window and gives me one last hug. The hug to end all hugs. She squeezes my shoulders so tight I can't breathe but I'm not even sure I want to breathe if it means I won't ever see her again. Still embracing me, I feel her lips near my ear as she whispers to me one final statement. "I love you, Calum. I will always love you," And then she leans in and kisses me quickly, once. But that one kiss, is everything to me.

I pull her even closer to me, but the car door jam is pinching my skin. I fumble to open the door, and I practically jump out of the car. She pulls back in surprise, but then looks up at me with the widest, saddest eyes I've ever seen. She wraps her arms around my waist and I rest my chin on the top of her head, bending down so that we are one, for one last time.

"I love you so much, Lex."

She pulls back and looks up at me, with tears streaming down her face. Her green eyes blue in the light, just like I remembered.

And then, before I even finish that thought, I she backs away from my car, and starts to run back to her grandmother. I watch as she hugs her much less tightly than she hugged me, and how she wipes her tears on her sleeve faster than they can come down in the first place.

I watch as she pulls out the handle to her two suitcases, and how she looks back at me one last time. In this short moment, I try to memorize everything about her.

But then the moment is gone and she is turning away and walking through the automatic doors and into the airport.

"And then you left," I whispered.

And just like that, everything was gone.

the end.