and then you left // cth

chapter 37: unbearable

alexis

We sit there, in that outdated kitchen, for hours upon hours. The suns shifts dramatically in this stretch of time, as I watch it out the window. It goes from a strong orange on the horizon to a gentle yellow on the other side of the sky. The time moves slowly.

Words don't often fall from our mouths, not so often as I reach up to wipe away a tear before it can spill out of my eye. Neither of us know what to say, or what to do, or how to fix this. I don't know it can be fixed.

Somehow, during this silent stretch of hours, we end up on his couch. I don't remember how or why, but somehow I end up in Calum's arms, voluntarily, with his chest pressed to my back as he holds me close. His arms reach around me and make me feel safe. I remember all of the times in the past few months that I craved nothing more than one of his hugs, and now here I am, with all of this affection he is giving me and I don't know what to do with. The irony of the situation is outlandish, as here I am being comforted by the boy who broke my heart in the first place.

For the seventh time that hour, I reach into my pocket to silence my phone. It's been going off the entire day, but I haven't cared enough to look at who is calling. I know it's either Gram or Luke, but I don't want to talk to them right now. Calum is the only one I want to talk to, the only one I've ever wanted to talk to. But we are not talking, and the silence is deafening.

Back and forth, back and forth. I don't even know if I'm mad anymore.

It's almost like the truth has settled in over the past seven months, so much so that it's almost normal to me now.

When my phone rings for the last time, I sigh and start to stand up, as Calum longingly pulls me back into him.

I can't hide forever.

"I really should go," I say slowly, and Calum shifts at my words. Reluctantly, I untangle myself from his arms and get off the couch, stretching a little before turning back to look at this boy sitting before me.

"Okay," He accepts. He doesn't even try to stop me. Inside, my head screams at him to tell me not to go, to stay here with him forever and ever.

But this is no fairytale, and he only gets up and shows me to the door.

He opens the door for me and I step out into the sunset, the orange light washing over me. And in the split second that I turn back to look at him, to wait for him to say something, he reaches forward and puts his hand on my face, and kisses my forehead. But it happens so fast that I question whether or not it even happened.

Before I know it, the door is slammed shut and the barrier between us is up, once again.
•••

"There you are," Luke throws his arms up in relief as I step inside the door. I lock it quickly, and start up the stairs, not even questioning his presence in my kitchen.

I do not care, I do not care, I do not care.

"Not so fast, Alexis," Gram's voice booms and I turn around, not from will, but rather from habit. I don't plan on telling her where I was, mostly because I'm not even sure if she knows who Calum is. But if she did, I'm sure she would rip him to shreds.

"Do you want to tell me where you were?" I refuse to meet her eye, and instead my eyes travel behind her and towards Luke. I know from the look in his eyes that he knows exactly where I was, and that he is not happy about it. His blue eyes are a mixture of concern and fear.

I'm not sure why he cares.

"No,"

"Well then, consider yourself grounded," Gram waves her magic wand and pronounces my punishment, clearly pleased with her power and displeased with my lack of compliance. But I don't argue, and instead I climb the stairs with heavy, exhausted feet. When I reach my room, I throw my phone across the room and fall into my bed, instantly curling up and refusing to let more tears fall. My body is entirely drained of emotion, there would be no point.

They let me be alone for only a few minuets, but that's to be expected. Soon, there is a light tap at my door, and I groan and try to enjoy my last second of silence before it opens.

"Go away, Luke."

"How'd you know it was me?" The door door creaks as he shuts it and I hear his footsteps as we walks over to my bed. Slowly, I sit up, meeting the eye of the concerned boy who I want to leave me the fuck alone. He thinks he knows the situation, he thinks he knows me. But in reality, he knows nothing of the sort, and I intend to keep it that way.

"Gram doesn't know what the fuck to do with me," I say limply. Luke looks at me, takes me in. The washed off eyeliner, and tear stained cheeks. My messy hair. Clothes from yesterday.

But he does not know that at Calum's apartment, in the bathroom, sits a pile of clothes that he let me sleep in. He does not know that both sides of Calum's bed remain unmade, and that the print of my body still resides in that bed.

"Can I sit?" He asks, and I roll my eyes. Of course I don't want him to sit but I know that my opinion on the subject does not matter to him.

"If I say no will you leave?" I haven't been alone in over a day, and now that's all I really want right now.

No, that is a lie. There is one person I want, right now.

"No," he chuckles, but I don't laugh. He moves my blankets over, and sits beside me, a good amount of empty bed between our bodies.

I scoot further away from him, ensuring that it stays that way.

"Your grandma was going crazy looking for you. But I knew where you were." He breaks the silence, and I just sigh.

"You should've just told her not to look for me,"

"Stop doing that." Luke's voice is so stern that I turn to look at him, out of shock. "Stop pushing away anyone who could possibly care about you. Because one day you'll wake up and everyone will be gone, and there will be no one left to care about you."

I stop breathing.
•••

calum

Something happened when Lex walked out that door. Something shifted in the air, or in my conscience. Now there's this feeling in the pit f my my stomach that I should've stopped her. No, the feeling is in my whole body. And I know that stopping her from leaving would've made things a hell of a lot more complicated, but what if that was it? What if that was my one chance to prove myself to her, and now she still won't forgive me?

I don't deserve to be forgiven though, and there is not a bone in my body that doesn't believe that. But if she just walked out of my life right now I don't know what I'll do.

It hurts to know that that's what I did to her, and here I am saying I'd die if she did the same to me.

Suddenly, there's a pounding on my door. Maybe a few years ago this would scare me, get my heart beating a little faster. But nothing matters to me anymore. I'm still wearing my sweatpants from middle school that ride up my legs, and my dirty shirt from last night, and I'm not in the mood to change. Most likely, I'll go back to bed right after I deal with this solicitor.

Another few months of sleeping doesn't sound too bad.

But I know that I won't go to sleep. I'll just sit here, thinking about Alexis and everything I've ever done wrong.

"Is she here?" I look up, and recognize Ashton standing at my doormat. He looks so put together in comparison to me, so confident and well mannered. His shirt matches his shoes, and his hair is done. I used to care about how I looked, but who do I have to impress if I don't have Lex?

Uninvited, he shoves past me and into my apartment, scanning the place for empty liquor bottles, and a broken girl.

"No, she just left." I tell him quietly, and he nods. Even though I'm avoiding eye contact, I can feel his gaze heavy on me.

"So, did you guys work things ou-" I don't give him the chance to finish, and instead I put my hands on his shoulders and shove him back out into the hallway, slamming the door in his face.

I lock both locks on the door quickly, before he can reach for the knob.

•••

here's another edited chapter hehe
i don't really have anything to say, but thank you so much for reading. it means the world. i can't wait to be done with this book.