The Tales of a Future Hockey Wife

Chapter 42: Settle (part 2)

"I just want you to tell me what to do for next year." He smiles before raising his shoulders.

"I can't do that. The only thing I can tell you is that a baby needs stability especially in the beginning. I can also make a request to raise your pension for next year. You can see what the team can offer you, I think it will help you make a decision. But I can't make it for you, you have to talk it through with Eleanor. That's her name, right?" I nod, understanding and recording every word coming out of his mouth.

He's right, El and I will have to argue about that at one point. I hate that I automatically assume that it will end up in an argument. When did we lose our ability to communicate without yelling? We used to be so good at it.

On my way out of the arena, I come face to face with Brittany. She gives me the weird wave she does to get boys' attention. She wiggles her fingers in my direction, her wrist bent. I raise my hand and give her an awkward smile. I know she was hoping I would go talk to her, but I just can't face her right now. Even though we did nothing wrong, and the fact that I told Eleanor, I just can't be friendly with her without it feeling like I am cheating somehow. I ignore the disappointed look on Brittany's face when I walk past her without stopping.

It's one of those times when the fifteen minutes ride home doesn't seem long enough. I wish I had more time to prepare what I want to say to her. I wish I knew what I wanted to do next year. I wish I had a plan to expose to her, but I don't have anything. I walk up the stairs my brain empty from any idea. Instead, I count the steps. One, two, three, all the way to twenty-six. There are twenty-six steps from the lobby to our floor. The only thing I can think about is how are we going to be able to carry a car seat up those narrow stairs? Will we have to move? I hold my head in my hands like I do every time my thoughts get the best of me. I repress the panic I feel when I know I don't have any control over a situation. Deep breath Ben, deep breath. You'll figure it out. Breathe in, breathe out. Everything's fine.

Okay, I'm calm enough to walk in our shared apartment. She's sitting on the couch, wrapped in that awful blanket she seems to carry around everywhere these days. She looks like a child, in her pink pajamas with her hair up in some sort of bun. Seeing her like this rids me of the anxiety that was left in my body. She taps the empty spot beside her on the used sofa we got online. That thing is probably older than the both of us, but as soon as we saw it, we knew it was ours.

I join her, wrap my arm around her shoulders, pulling her into me, I smell the odor of her shampoo in her hair. She's watching that show she is obsessed with once again. How can she be so into something that is so far away from her reality I'll never understand. Maybe that's it though. Maybe imagining herself into a world in which she would never have to worry about money makes her happy. I wish I could give her that. Maybe someday.

"How'd it go?" she says after pressing pause. I resume her our options that I am sure she already knew.

"What do you want? In those three options, what's your favorite?" I honestly don't know how to answer that. Of course, going pro has always been my dream, but I don't know if it's the best option considering the circumstances. Staying here would be the logical thing to do, but I don't know if I want that either. I raise my shoulders, my eyes fixed on the paused image of who I think is Serena.

"What do you want?" I ask without looking at her. I was hoping she would give me an answer, but I see her raising her shoulders from the corner of my eye. Since when are we tiptoeing around each other? Since when are we so afraid to hurt the other's feelings that we keep our opinion to ourselves? One thing's for sure, we won't get far if we continue down this path. I turn around, so my body is now perpendicular to hers.

"Listen Ella, I know the past few weeks have been though. I also know that it's mostly been my fault. I have broken a lot of windows, I know that, but please, this is me trying to put the frame back in its place. This is me picking up the broken glass from the floor and painting back the bloody flowers on the wooden frame. It'll take time, I know, but I want to take that time to bring us back to how we were before I don't even know what happened. Please let me put the window back in its place." Usually, I am not one to beg. I hate the sound of my voice when I do, but she is the most important person in my life. I would do anything for that girl, even if it means facing my biggest fear. I wanted to tell her I knew she was talking about me in her window text for a while now, but I am glad I saved it for this moment. Her reaction is exactly what I expected and wanted. She is half surprised I paid attention to her text and half speechless with tears in her eyes. She hides her face in her hands, a habit she probably got from me. I wrap my arms around her shoulders again, bringing her into my chest. I feel her nod, relief flooding through me immediately. I didn't even notice how stressed I was about her answer. For the first time, I was unsure of her answer. It really could have gone both ways. I was afraid that I had messed up too much and that the accumulation of disappointments would be the end of us.  I would have understood if it would have been the case, I really have been an awful boyfriend to her this past few weeks, but I am really glad she's giving me another chance.

I let her calm down before pulling her from my chest. Her eyes are a little red, her cheeks a little puffy, but she's beautiful. She's always beautiful. There's just one more thing I want to ask her. It's been in my mind since she mentioned it, but we never deepened the subject.

"What happened with Blair and Vivienne, El? Why did you say that you wouldn't see much of them again?" Her eyes widen, and she looks afraid. It makes me wonder even more about what happened.