So in love (Sweeran)

Guilty relief

I was in Auckland, some days after the AMA's. Things were pretty much the same. Ed and Claire were happy, and I was emotionally frustrated. It never had been so hard to forget someone. Why couldn't I just get over him? I was so intrigued by my own confusion that I wanted to write a song about it. So I did. I spent the whole day writing this new song full of words I wanted to say but I couldn't.

I hadn't talked to Ed since that last day. The Red tour was back, but since he was gone it wasn't the same. Missing him that much made me come to the conclusion that I needed to forget him. This just wasn't healthy for me, loving someone who didn't love me back, loving someone who loved another person.

Throughout the show in Auckland I thought about it a lot. How would I do it?

Okay, it's time for All Too Well. Forget it. Forget everything. Talk to the crowd.

"Writing a song is like saying anything you want to say to the person that you secretly are in love with, or someone who absolutely broke your heart, and you never told them that was a really terrible thing to do..." For the first time I wasn't thinking about Jake during this part of the concert. I was just describing how things were with Ed. He broke my heart by not liking me the same way I liked him. And I could never blame him for that.

Okay. Sydney. We're in Sydney. All Too Well again.

"I got a lot of amazing opportunities to meet you guys before and after the show and one of the most frequently asked question is: "What do you write a song about? how do you pick what you wanna write about?" and I think, for me, the answer is, in my case, writing a song is like... If you have one person, that you wanna say something to in your life... Someone that you can tell anything. If all of a sudden you had the courage to tell them whatever you wanted them to know, whether it's that you secretly are in love with them...Or you miss them but you can't tell them... Or you wish that someday you could be together..." I felt that those were the only moments I could speak openly about it. I couldn't talk about this with my mom, or Caitlin... But I could talk about it in a stadium full of people. Something was wrong with me.

After club Red, I went straight to the hotel. I was physically and mentally exhausted. I was almost asleep when I heard my phone ringing. It was Claire. And for some reason I was a little nervous about talking to her.

"Hello?" I said.

"Taylor... Did I wake you?" She asked. Her voice seemed different.

"No, no" I lied.

"Hmm... Okay, great. Well... I just wanted to know if you're coming back for the Grammy nominations thing" She sounded sad. That's why her voice was different. God, what had happened?

"No, I'll be in Brisbane."

Silence. 

"Claire, what happened? Are you okay?" I asked, a lot more worried now.

"Yes, I'm fine... I-I have to go now" She said quickly and hung up. I frowned. What the hell was that?

Before I could even think about anything else, or call her back, she called me again, some seconds later.

"Okay. I don't know what to do, I don't know anyone else I could talk to about this. Ed broke up with me. I don't even know I what did wrong" She said quickly.

"What?" WHAT?

"I know!" She started crying and I felt so bad for feeling good. I didn't wanted to be happy, but I was.

"Claire, please, calm down" I begged.

"Please, come back and tell him that he was wrong, Taylor" What? No, no, no.

"I-I can't go back right now" I said, trying not to sound hysterical.

"Then call him" She started crying again. "Please."

I felt so bad for her that I agreed. But, on the other hand, I wanted to go to the balcony and shout. Shout really loud.

I was so relieved.