Family is Forever

Chapter 83- concert

"Natalia. You came!" Mandy exclaimed as Ali handed her 3 pounds. Mandy put the money in a pot then unexpectedly hugged Ali, who was shocked and stood still. "Well I said I would didn't I!" Ali said as Mandy let go. "Your mum will be pleased." Ali wasn't convinced. She was alone since Zosia and Ollie were working. Josef saw her so she went to sit beside him. She was 10 minutes early so was chatting with Josef until the show began. Her mum stood in the middle at the front, most of the choir were women her mothers age or older, although she couldn't recognise her mother's voice the choir as a whole sounded really quite good. They sang quite a few songs most of which Ali knew. Then Mandy who had been conducting at the front turned around and said "this is our last song and the choir would like to dedicate it to our families." They started singing a song about their daughters eyes. It was an emotional song and many of the people around Ali had tears in their eyes. Klaudia's eyes locked with Ali's as she sang the last line solo. "In my daughters eyes." There was no denying Klaudia had a beautiful voice but Ali didn't notice. There were so many emotions flying through her head. Her eyes stayed Locked on her mothers until Klaudia slid her eyes away and Ali joined in the clapping with those around her.

"Natalia we should talk" Ali's mother said in Polish as Ali went to congratulate her. They found a small room off the main hall that looked like a creche or something. "Natalia. I'm so sorry. I have been a bad mother." Ali was shocked. She didn't know what to say. "Well. I'm not going to lie to you, you're not going to win mother of the year."
"I didn't want you to come today because singing that song about a daughter. I felt like a fraud. I have never treated you well Natalia. I was a silly girl. 17. Alone. I barely knew your father." All of a sudden Ali realised she had been harbouring so much resentment towards her mother but she saw her for the person she was back in Poland. A scared teenager. Ali tried to put herself in her mothers shoes. A scared teenager, in a catholic country that doesn't allow abortions. She shook her head to try and get the thought that her mother may have aborted her out of her head. There was no point in asking her, she knew the answer. An unwed mother in Poland 16 years ago was not a good thing to be. She suddenly no longer felt resentment towards her mother just pity. "Swimming." Ali said "you used to take me swimming on a Thursday. Back home in Poland. Babcia used to have her friends over on a Thursday and whether you were living with us or a boyfriend you'd come. Remember, you'd take me swimming then afterwards you'd let me get chocolate from the vending machine then we'd go to the library and get a book and you'd read to me then we'd go to Mrs Baranska's for lunch. At the cafe, remember."
"Yes. We had fun." Klaudia replied. Ali started to cry. "You always came mama..." the words hung between them unsaid. Until you didn't. Ali could still remember the day like it was yesterday's Babcia had been all jovial. "Don't worry Kochanie, your mamas probably not feeling well why don't you have some crayons and paper and we can go swimming after my friends have gone." Then that evening when Ali was in bed she heard Babcia and Dziejek shouting, they thought Ali was asleep, they were on the phone to Klaudia. She knew then and there that her swimming trips with her mama were over. "You did your best mama." Ali said wiping the tears from her own face.
"But my best wasn't good enough. You are a wonderful, kind and amazing person Natalia. I wish I had been able to look after you better." Klaudia was crying now too. "It hurts me to know that you are sick, the anorexia, I love you Natalia. I really love you and have always loved you. You know that dont you?"
"I do now. And I love you too mama. You never hurt me, not really, it was your boyfriends who did that."
"Yes, but it was my fault you were there. And I didn't look after you. I left you home alone so many times. I'm so sorry."
"You left me with Babcia in Poland because that was the best thing for me and when we came to England. You were young and alone and scared in a foreign country. You couldn't look after yourself let alone a child. And I'm ok, well, i will be and you're ok."
"Truly I'm sorry" Klaudia interjected.
"And I forgive you." Ali said then hugged her mother. "I think we should go to the bathroom and check our make-up." Ali hiccuped. Babcia always used to say forgive and forget. She could try her best to forgive her mother but she knew she couldn't forget. She'd spent too much time scared and alone, but so had her mother.

Ali wanted to clear her head after the chats she'd had with her mama so declined the lift home Josef offered her. She walked towards the hospital as she knew that Zosia and Ollie's shifts were finishing soon.
"Natalia hi lovely give me 20 mins and I'll be done." Ollie said as he saw her enter Darwin. "Why don't you go and make yourself a drink in the staff room." Ali entered the staff room. "Sorry it's staff only in here." A young blonde Scottish woman said. "Hi. I'm Natalia. Zosia's cousin." Ali said. The Scottish woman looked like she was going to reply then Zosia walked in "ah Hi, Natalia, I see you've met Chloe, what are you doing here is everything okay?" Zosia asked. Ali burst into tears. "This is my cue to leave" Chloe said and stepped out onto the ward. Zosia hugged her cousin and sat her down on the sofa. "Hey Natalia, what's happened kochanie?"
"I'm sorry I'm not even sure why I'm crying. I spoke to mama and she said sorry for all the times she left me alone and stuff and then I said I forgive her and I realised I've been hating her but it's not her fault. She was young and alone and scared but she shouldn't have left me. I was young and alone and scared too and oh, I don't even know."
"Oh Natalia it's ok. You're ok, non of it was your fault either, but you're here now with us and you never have to be alone again. I'm here, and Ollie and Colette and Elsie and you can always phone Babcia. I get why this was emotional for you. Let me make you a cup of hot chocolate then I'll be done in 15 minutes and we can go home. Will you be okay."
"Yeah I will. I'm not sad. Not really it was good to talk to mama it just brought back memories." She hiccuped "sorry I need to stop crying, can I have some paper and a pen. It helps to write stuff down. To organise my thoughts."
"Of course." Zosia passed some to Ali. "That's a good idea. Ali was writing before Zosia even gave her the hot chocolate. Zosia looked at her before she went off to finish her shift. Alone and scared. That was certainly a theme in her life too. "Natalia, Kocham cię." I Love you she said as she left. Ali looked up and smiled weakly "Kocham cię"