Probably

Chapter 3

a/n: for my best friend... here's a double update

Don't Ever Let Me Go

I came back to the house, which now seemed bigger and emptier than it was. Everything that seemed to be right in my life, no longer felt that way. I found myself looking at the same view that I was observing last night and today morning. Nothing had changed in the view. The buildings stood in the same place as they were last night... the cars moved around in the same way... the birds were flying in the same way... Yet, I was not being able to derive the happiness that it provided me 2 hours ago. The noise of the children laughing, as they returned from school, irritated me. I could not stand any kind of noise. Hence, I shut the glass windows. It cut out the noise, but it just made me more agitated because I could not bear the silence even more.

I didn't know what to do, where to go. I wanted to get far away from him because staying with him would mean more drama and I could not live with drama any more.

Flustered and confused, I felt tears roll down my eyes. It was the first time since that fight that I had cried. I wanted to stop crying but I couldn't. I told myself that I was stronger than this, but was I?

Was he right when he said those words to me?

Did I want drama?

Did I want him to be a part of my life?

No, I told myself, not in a million life times.

But doesn't everyone deserve a second chance?

We were young and irrational back then. Things may turn out differently than they did the last time. And it was possible that I would get back my best friend who meant everything to me. Probably , I was over thinking this. Probably, it was quite a simple problem to deal with. I should not let my emotions get the better of me.

I wanted to fix things. I wanted to start from scratch. But ...

What if he was right?

What if he hadn't changed a bit?

What if he managed to break even this stronger version of me?

What if he doesn't deserve a second chance?

Tears continued to roll down my eyes, more vigorously than before. They just wouldn't stop until I heard the telephone ring. I wiped my tears, cleared my voice, pulled myself together, and picked up the telephone using all the strength and might that was left in me.

It wasn't a surprise to me to hear Mary's furious voice on the other side of the call.

"You've got to have guts to slap Antoine in front of everyone and walk out so casually. Don't you dare say sorry. I know you have your issues with him but that is no way to behave. Trust me your actions have just proven that your no different than him. "

I know I had hurt Mary and I felt terrible. I did not know what to tell her. There was no excuse for what I had done. The issue had happened 4 years ago and I was still holding on to it. The only thing that could manage to communicate were my sobs.

Mary must have freaked out listening to it because her voice no longer showed her anger. Instead it was softer and it showed the concern that she had.

"Are you all right? I'm sorry I said that. Please don't take it to your heart. You know I didn't mean it."

"I don't know what to do Mary? I don't know why I still feel this way. It's not like I still love him. I mean, those feelings are way past me. Then why do I still feel this way?"

"It's because... I hate to break this to you but.... you can never forget your first love no matter how much you try... and the pain caused by it is worse than dying. The pain doesn't kill you but it does alter you. So much so, that you can't control the alterations it makes to yourself, leaving you unrecognisable. You should have told him when you had the time. Now this anger that you feel, this confusion in you, is the way your heart is punishing you because you let it regret by not confessing to him. Its never going to leave you. Its now a part of you. Forever. So, I suggest, either lock it up forever and remain silent about it or be strong and bold enough to face it. You want to take risks right, in life, well then here's a risk. Take it or leave it. The three of us are coming home in ten. Make your choice now."

She hung up the phone but left me thinking.

I hit the shower, put on fresh clothes, quickly fixed the house which was in a mess. I opened the shut window and found the view outside looking absolutely beautiful once again.

The doorbell rang and I opened the door.

It wasn't the group of three that I expected, but only one of the three- Antoine.

He stood there saying nothing, but I could see the tears in his eyes. I could see the tear stains on his cheek. I could see how lost his blue eyes were. I could see he needed me more than I needed him. He looked at me as if I was the only one who could have blessed him with life and living.

I said nothing. The only thing that spoke were our eyes and the pain in them, that came down in the form of tears. Silence was all we could offer to each other.

The emotions had taken control of our actions, for I found myself run up to him and hug him tightly as though my life rested in him and he did the same.

He whispered in my ears- "I missed you mon amour. I don't deserve your forgiv......"

"shhh... I missed you too mon amour... DON'T EVER LET ME GO AGAIN.", I said, almost threatening him.

He laughed a little through his sobs, which were no longer filled with pain. I welcomed him in the house and that's when the other two members of our group joined. We sat there laughing and catching up with each other. Everything seemed perfect now- the view, the tea, the music which Justin played from his phone and the company. Everything seemed complete.

Except for the one thought- do you still love him?

I was unsure... but as of now, I just wished to enjoy this beautiful moment which had managed to bring that lost happiness back in my life.