Louder Than Love || Chris Cornell

Where Would I Live If I Were A Man Of Golden Words?

"Well fine... we can just make our own Slow Deep and Hard," Chris smirks at me under his brow and I drop my jaw a little as I look at him.
"Chris...?" I giggle as I feel my cheeks flush and he laughs.

"What...? I'm sorry I can't help it.... you're the one who got me going when you threw your hair up all topless and shit..."

"Well..." I trail off and smirk at the thought of teasing him before. I look back down at my planner and try not to laugh. I love teasing him like that.
"See... I knew you did that on purpose just to get me going..." Chris chuckles as we head through downtown Seattle.
"Yea... but you gotta stop stealing my shit..." I say quietly but keep my eyes on my planner and he looks over at me and laughs.

•••

After we grab some coffee, we make our way out to the highway and head towards Bremerton. About an hour into the drive, Chris decides to pull over as soon as we reach a little park that looked really familiar but I couldn't quite put my finger on why.

"Chris...?" I say, looking at him confused as he turns the ignition off.
"Come on..." He says and hops out of the drivers side. I sit there for a moment as he walks around behind the van, I unbuckle my seatbelt and open the door as he comes around to my side and helps me out of the van. He takes my hand and closes the door and we walk up to the entry way to see the sign Miller-Woodlawn Memorial Park. I look up at him as we walk into the park, his beautiful curls swaying in the summer breeze as we walk, he squeezes my hand and brings it up to his lips and places a soft kiss on the back of my hand.

Andy....

We walk up through the main path with rows upon rows of markers and head stones. I always find it so strange how quiet a cemetery can be, even when it's just off a busy highway. It's almost like as soon as you pass through the gate, you enter a whole other world.

With Chris's fingers laced through mine, I follow him down one of the rows of markers, having no idea Chris even remembered where Andy's marker was. When we reach Andy's marker, some flowers that framed the outside, Chris let's go of my hand and sits down on the grass, his arms resting on his knees, in front of the marker. He looks up at me, squinting his eyes from the sun and reaches for my hand again.

"Sit with me?" He asks. I look down at him, giving him a half smile, I sit down in front, between his legs as he draws me into him, wrapping his arms around me and resting his chin on my shoulder.
"You ok?" I ask quietly after a few moments.
"Yea... I just had this feeling like... I wanted to see him... I don't know... it's hard to explain," Chris says quietly as he keeps his head rested on my shoulder. We sit, listening to the warm summer breeze, the birds chirping up above high in the trees, and it's so calming and serene.
"You don't have to explain baby..." I say quietly and touch my temple to his and close my eyes.
"I miss him..." Chris says after a few moments. I reach up, touch his cheek, and place a kiss on his temple, hearing him sigh against the feeling of my lips. I know this feeling all too well and Chris normally never shares this with me. He's so good at keeping it all inside, not letting anyone see the hurt and pain of missing someone.

"You know he's probably up there making fun of me... 'Chris, stop crying you fucker...you have a beautiful wife now... which I totally saw coming... though I still don't know what Andi sees in you... I feel bad for her...."

"Chris!" I laugh as he continues.

"You have an amazing album out... you fuckers are finally starting to get that recognition you deserve and you're crying over me... I know I'm cute and all but damn, Chris... " He says in his best impression of Andy he could make which made me laugh even harder.
"And then he'd say... 'just write a song about it Chris... you're so good with words... more than you think you are... let it out that way instead' " I say trying my best impression of him but failing miserably. Chris laughs and holds me a little tighter.
"And then I would say... I wrote a whole album for you man... but I still think you write better" Chris chuckles.
"And he would say... 'Dude, I know... but fuck off with that ... your words are amazing... use them to write an album for  everyone...' " I say still trying my best impression of Andy and Chris laughs even more, but suddenly just as he stops laughing he starts to cry. I turn and look at him as he rests his forehead on his palm, his elbow on his knee, his other arm still around me. I turn to face him and wrap my arms around him, feeling him collapse a little in my arms hearing him quietly crying. I don't even remember the last time he let everything out like this. Most of the time he stays quiet and he'll just drink, which sounds bad but I'm definitely not one to judge since I do the same thing.

"Fuck... this sucks," Chris sniffs as he pulls away from me and touches his forehead to mine.
"I know baby... oh how do I ever know..." I say as he chuckles a little.
"Here, I'm supposed to be the one consoling you and... well... here you are..." Chris moves his forehead from mine and wipes his eyes with the heel of his palm.
"We console each other baby," I say, playing with the ring on his necklace that Andy gave him. He looks down at himself, the summer breeze making his beautiful dark locks flow as the sun brings out the golden highlights in his hair. He looks back up at me, those beautiful blue eyes a little red from crying but so full of love when he looks at me.

"I have no idea what I would do without you," He says and touches his forehead to mine again.
"I don't know what you would do without me either, I mean... who would be the one to find your things when you loose them, " I joke.
"I only loose stuff cause you pile your shit everywhere," He chuckles, moving his forehead from mine.
"I do not pile 'my shit' everywhere," I laugh and playfully tap his chest.
"Then how is it that when I can't find anything... I ask you and you always seem to know where it is? And 9 times outta 10 it's under your shit?," He says raising his eyebrow at me and I just look at him sheepishly cause he's right, but I'm not going to admit that to him. I look away from his eyes and glance down at his chest and try to think of something to come back with, but I can't.

"You know I'm right.... that's why you're quiet ," He gives me that sarcastic smirk and I just shake my head and giggle, amused by how he knows me so well. After a few moments, Chris draws me back into him, holding me as I rest my head against his collarbone and he places a kiss on the top of my head.
"I can hear Andy making fun of us right now... 'Oh god you two... it's a good thing you're married otherwise... you might as well be, the way you two are...' or something like that," I say once again trying my impression of Andy and Chris laughs.

"He'd always tell me how he was so happy you found me..., how I brought you out of such a dark place... and like an idiot, I'd gush to him about you... like as if he wouldn't tell you how in love I was... but he always had a way of making me feel like I could tell him anything and he would never judge me and never tell anyone else if I didn't want him to... he'd always tell me that I'd marry you someday... even before I knew it myself..." I trail off after a bit of silence remembering the conversations I had with Andy when he lived with Chris. I would always somehow be the first one to show up when I was meeting Chris at his place sometimes if Chris was still at band rehearsals. So while I waited, Andy and I would hang out and talk, which is how Andy and I became close.

"'He loved you 'cause he knew how much you meant to me... I remember the night I wrote that song for you...,"

"All Night Thing...?" I ask.
"Yea... and he heard me playing around with it in my room, so he like, walked in and... you know we always had this like friendly competition with writing and stuff... like, you know me and how I'm always so over critical and he is always just able to let it flow without second guessing himself... but... he walked in and just said... 'just let it out man... whatever she makes you feel... write it, and sing it to her... don't think about it, just do it...' "Chris trails off quietly as I close my eyes and just listen to him tell me the story of that song. I always loved how he put that song on the Temple Of The Dog album, but now it makes even more sense why he did.

"I miss him..." I say with a tremble in my voice, holding back the urge to cry. Why does everyone have to go away? Chris holds me as I listen to the breeze through the trees, feeling the warm sun on my face and listening to the sound of his heart beating.
"Ok... we should head back out on the road. We have that interview still don't we?" Chris says after a few moments, clearing his throat, and changing the subject.
"Yea," I say as I move my head from him and wipe a stray tear that somehow escaped my eyes. He moves away from me and stands up, then holds out his hand for me to take, and helps me up from the grass. Chris smiles at me and leans in to place a quick kiss on my lips. He pulls away and looks down at Andy's marker for a few moments.

"Chris...?" I ask quietly but he says nothing. he lets go of my hand and reaches up, taking off the necklace that had the ring that Andy gave him. He crouches back down in front of the marker holding the necklace in his hand. Chris remains quiet for a few more moments, the breeze moving his golden curls around his shoulders. He then kisses the ring that was attached to the necklace and places the necklace carefully on Andy's marker, and gently touches the etching of Andy's name. Chris then stands up, lacing his fingers through mine and softly kisses the back of my hand.

"Let's go baby..." Chris gives me a half smile and I smile back as we walk back down the long row of headstones and markers to make our way back out to the van.