Louder Than Love || Chris Cornell

I Wanna Tell You That I love You, But Does It Really Matter?

Peterborough Ontario, Canada
August 22,1990

Chris and I get to the Seattle-Tacoma international airport just in time and I was able to add an extra ticket for him. He refused to let me pay for it though and ended up putting the expenses for both of our tickets on his card instead. We then board the plane and head to Toronto.

The flight was long and boring but Chris was amazing at trying to keep my mind occupied on other things instead of focusing on what is actually happening. We arrived at Pearson airport around midnight and Chris was able to rent a car which I insisted that I pay for since he paid for our tickets. I called my aunt from a pay phone inside the airport to let her know I was in Toronto and would be in Peterborough by 1am. I was so worried I didn't even care about sleeping but Chris booked us a room at the Holiday Inn in Peterborough.

We eventually get a Nissan Pathfinder to rent and we were on our way to Peterborough. The whole way there I just couldn't stop thinking about how my mom was and what was happening. Chris was just so amazing the whole time, being silly, trying to make me laugh and also being silly to help keep himself awake. He didn't sleep on the plane either.

About an hour later, thanks to Chris' driving and my directions, we arrive in Peterborough and I direct him to the Holiday Inn. We check in and I was amazed that we were able to check in so late.

"Come here," Chris says after we get to our room and set our bags down by the door. He lays down on the bed and gestures for me to lay down with him. I climb up on the bed and he draws me into his arms while I play with his curls that spilled across his chest. I snuggle further into his chest as he moves my leg to lay across hips. We lay together entangled in each other while I attempt to try to get some sleep. I'm so scared. I honestly don't know if I can do this.

August 23, 1990

The next morning I wake up early, not realizing I had slept in my clothes from the day before. Chris' arms were still wrapped around me as my face was firmly planted against his chest. Hearing his heartbeat woke me up just as it helped me fall asleep and I slowly move to look up at his sleeping face. His hair had somehow strewn across his faced while he planted himself into the pillow. His slow deep breathes of his dreaming made me smile. He looked so peaceful and so boyish it made my heart flutter.

I reach up and brush his curls out of his face and then slowly play with the fuzziness of his beard. I love these moments with him. He suddenly flickers his eyes open and looks at me as he takes in a deep breath.
"Hi," He says softly.
"Hi," I say as I move my hand back down to his chest. He lifts his head to look at the clock on the bedside table and then flops his head back down and lets out a moan.

"We have to get up don't we?" He says sleepily as he closes his eyes.
"I can just go by myself if you need to sleep," I say and he looks down at me.
"Do you want to go by yourself?" He asks.
"Not really," I say as I snuggle back into him.
"I didn't think so," He says and I giggle a little. He moves to place a kiss on my forehead and I look up at him and press my lips to his instead. He wraps his arms around me as his lips move with mine and for moment, this was the most perfect feeling in the world, in his arms protecting me from all the pain and fear that will eventually weasel it's way back in.

He breaks away from my lips and places a quick kiss on my forehead and then shifts himself and gets up from the bed and heads into the washroom. I roll over on to my back and close my eyes, trying to prepare myself for today. I take in a deep breath and decide to get ready. I'll need all the strength I can muster to face what is about to come.

•••

A little while later, I call my aunt and decide to meet her at the hospital. I just throw on my Aerosmith T-Shirt, the one that Chris wrote on when we first met, my skinny ripped jeans and my Doc Martens. Chris   throws on a black button up shirt, the first 3 buttons left undone like usual, his black baggy shorts and his Doc Martens too, even though it was about 75 degrees and humid, we obviously didn't care.