The Secrets We Share

TWENTY-NINE

noah

I was certain this was gonna work.

Definitely certain.

... Alright, maybe it was more like a fifty percent chance. But I was going to take it. 

I reread the letter that had poured out from my pen. 

*

Dawn,

Before you throw this letter away, or crumple it up, or tear it into a million tiny pieces the way I did to your heart, please let me tell you this: I was wrong, and I'm sorry- and I agree, sorry will never make a difference, but it's the truth. I think truths are a good place to start. 

I'm sorry.

Perhaps things will never change between us. Maybe there'll be a misunderstanding forever- like a barrier we can't overcome. I get that. 

I've realised that I did something that you can't just say, 'Apology accepted' to.  I don't expect you to, either. I don't even expect that you're reading this, but I get that also. 

There is no reason why I did what I did. No excuse. It was my own idiot brain that didn't want to open that box because I was afraid that what I'd see inside was rejection. Which wasn't true at all.

I'm sorry for being scared of the truth. I'm sorry if it was my fault that got your mother into an accident. I hope she's okay. I'm especially sorry for cheating on you with another girl, just because I got it all wrong and thought you returned my gift, even though you actually only returned the box with your own present inside. 

Thank you for that, by the way. I never got to show you how much I loved rereading that book. 

Perhaps I could've even read it to you one day... but that isn't the point. The point is that I'm sorry for every fucked up thing I've done to you. And I don't expect you to forgive me, either. 

I felt so bad after you caught me with her. I know you don't want to think about that moment, so I won't say any more. But I deserved the bad feeling.

You probably never reached the end of this letter anyway, but although I know there is nothing in the world you can buy for an apology, I got this for you, for the bracelet I gave you at the fair. It's a little charm. It reminded me of all the things you represented to me. The things you still do.

Love. 

Such a small word, such a huge meaning behind it. 

I think it first started at the beach. Both times we went to the beach, actually. 

And it grew, perhaps slowly, but nevertheless, it grew.

And it's led us here. It's shown me things I should be thankful for, and things I should be regretful of. 

Thank you for letting me experience this feeling, Dawn. I hope I gave you the same opportunity. As for now, sorry.

I know it doesn't make a difference. This letter is probably in the bin already. I hope one day I can regain your trust in some way or another. And I understand if you can't say 'Apology accepted'. I really do. 

Please forgive me. 

noah.

*

I felt for the small charm, sitting in the envelope. I tucked the letter beside it. 

Taking a deep breath, I sealed up the envelope and sat back, satisfied and exhausted. I had no idea which way she was going to take an apology letter from me- angry for not writing it earlier, sad, happy (which was seriously unlikely) or just disappointed? After all, I'd just basically given her a list of my faults. 

Pressing a hand to my forehead, I stumbled over to my bed and sank into the mattress. It was mid-afternoon, and yet I was so tired. I remembered each wash of emotion over me as I wrote the letter, which had utterly drained me. 

Nevertheless, I forced myself to get up, grab the letter, and drag myself outside. As I began to walk in the direction of her house, I shivered in the sunlight. 

I wished I knew how she was going to respond. 

*

Dawn

"It's not a date!" I repeated, glaring at Jason, who had a laughing Aria curled up beside him on the couch. "I'm just chilling out with James. He's not my boyfriend now. Just because we're going to the park together doesn't mean I'm going to start kissing him or holding hands or hugging or whatever! Stop it!" 

Behind me, Kat snorted and I whirled on her. 

"Excuse me," she grinned, lying spread out on the other couch. "I'll just sit here and wait for you to admit that you like him."

"You're excused," I scoffed, tying my hair into a ponytail. "You're all excused. See you later. Bye!"

I swept out of Jason's house, still fuming, and bumped right into James, who was waiting outside.

"Oh! Sorry!"

"It's okay," he replied, helping me pick up my phone, which had fallen from my grasp. "I should've said that I was here. It was just that I heard some arguing..."

I glanced up at his twinkling eyes and he grinned down at me. 

"Oh ugh, don't mind them. They just love teasing people. Me, actually. A lot of the time."

He laughed. "I get that. Shall we get going?" He motioned to the path.

"Sure! Let's go."

As I followed him, I was suddenly reminded of the time Noah and I had walked down this same path towards the park when we had gone to visit the lake. 

"Where are we going?" 

"I was thinking perhaps to the lake?"

"Uh, sure."

I smiled inwardly as we headed across the road and entered the walking path that wound through grassy expanses. How did I guess? 

We began crossing the bridge that spanned across the lake. As we headed furthur out, I let myself relax and adjust to the birdsong and the steady rippling of water beneath my feet. A few minutes later, a felt a warm hand brush my fingers, and I let James entwine his fingers with mine. I ignored my inner voice yelling, You hypocrite; now Kat and Aria are so gonna think that he's your new boyfriend. 

We had just reached the middle when James' foot connected with something on the ground that let off a jingling noise. 

"What was that?" I asked, surprised.

Frowning, he bent down and retrieved something from the floor. The thing seemed to glitter in his hands.

"It looks like... a bracelet! Would you like to have it?"

I stared at the bracelet in his palm, remembering the moment  I'd torn it off my own wrist and thrown it into the water... although clearly, it had somehow landed on the bridge in the middle of the lake instead of in the damn water where it belonged.

"Uhh..."

It really did seem to me in that moment that wherever I went, bits of Noah and I's past always seemed to follow. 

Hello there! Short chapter today, because I updated Immortal Ashes yesterday too! Check it out maybe? :)

What did you think of the letter? It's the result of procrastinating science. 

Stay safe! 

xxx, HalloPhoenix

P.S. Camp next week! So hyped! Please don't expect updates during that time, because I'll be busy doing other things :)