My D

About Depression

Depression, in my opinion, is a condition when you feel sadness, disappointment, with despair. Now, I would like to share about signs of depression. I forgot the link, but I recorded this (the 8 signs of depression) a year ago; when I'm going to public speaking with free themes, and I choose about depression. So, here are 8 signs of depression.

1. Feel depressed.
2. Lost weight.
3. Insomnia almost every day.
4. Anxiety.
5. Feelings of fatigue or loss of strength.
6. Feelings of worthlessness or feeling guilty overlap.
7. Difficulty concentrating and making decisions
8. Repeatedly the thought of death appears.

You can be said to be depressed, at least if you experience 5 out of 8 signs.

I don't know whether I can be said to be depressed or not; but of the eight signs above, this is what I feel.

First, yes! I feel depressed. I always want to do something, but I am never satisfied with the results. So, I always demand my self to do everything, but I can't do it. And it really stresses me out.

The second is the insomnia. It has been part of my life for at least two years. At first, I could still sleep at least 12 pm; but the days become 1 am, 2 am, even 4 am. But the worst is that I once decided not to sleep because I thought "I didn't do anything. So, why do I need to sleep?"

Then, the third is I always feel tired even though I don't do anything. Maybe more precisely I feel very lazy to do anything. I live in a boarding house and I leave the boarding house just to go to college and look for food. Especially if holidays such as Saturday and Sunday. I'll go out to look for food only if I'm really hungry.

Next, the fourth is I feel very worthless and useless. I once said to my friend in high school "be something and don't be nothing". I guess even now I can't say it to myself. I thought how arrogant I would be to say it to my friend while I was nothing. I feel everything I do is nothing. Everything I think I'm doing seriously is worthless, useless. And it seems like I just realized that there was nothing I could do. I'm useless. Lecture? At the beginning of the semester, I just went back and forth to spend money on expenses. And I started to hate my hobby and losing my dreams.

The last is maybe not a few times but once I really wanted to die. As I said before, I began to lose my dreams. It means that I have no purpose in my life. In May last year, I'm really very sensitive because of my depression. Then one thing appeared that made me want to die right then.  At that time, if mama didn't call me, I didn't know whether I was alive or not.

Thanks, mama for saving me.

If indeed yes, I'm depressed, I'm grateful because I still want to try not to get worse. Very embarrassing to admit it. Maybe my friend feels strange why I always talk about depression, but I do it for myself. I want to remind myself that I can't be worse.

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