Vegetarian Love

Yoga

"Next pose, the downward dog" said the woman from the t.v while posing like a dog standing but stetching her both legs while 2 hands-straight arms on the floor
Damn. I look like an idiot! It's so hard. Why am I doing this?!

"And now, the warrior pose. Stand with legs 3 to 4 feet apart. Turning right foot 90 degrees and left foot in slightly.. take a deep breath and exhale all your stress and worries. Feel the air. Let go of your anxieties and the things that keeps you sad. Feel the warrior pose and be like a warrior. Brave and stiff."

I tried to balance myself as I do the instructions but seems that I'm really bad at it. I'm not that flexible and nature friendly or whatever. It's Gina who convinced me to do this and also the one who downloaded this video and had the effort to transfer it to my external hard drive so that I can watch it on television.
I took a deep breath and trying to ready myself for the next pose which is a piece of crap. I looked at Gina who's eating while watching the woman do her poses.

"You're rude. You're eating there while I suffer with this woman? Who the hell is she and why am I doing this? I look stupid!" I said. She chuckled and just keeps on eating.

After an hour of suffering, Gina handed over my plate full of greeny leaves.
"Wow, never thought I'll be a herbivore" i said sarcastically.

"You need to. I was advised by Silvia, your doctor to take care of you."

I smirked and said "you don't need to"

"Well, even without her saying, I'll do it anyway." Gina said. I looked at her and rolled my eyes. Im hiding my joy for what she said. I feel so loved by her as a friend and as a sister. Never thought I could feel this with my entire life.

"If I am just a boy, i'll just court you. Then marry you. And never gonna deal with this virus. " I said.

"But you're not. So eat it. Eat those fruits too and improve your yoga poses." She replied the continue to eat.

But it's true. If only I'm a man and I met this girl way back 10 years ago? I'll stick with her and will never let her go. I just don't know why i cannot find someone who's like her who will stick with me through thick and thin. And I don't know why she doesn't have a boyfriend 'till now.

"Gina, why dont you have a boyfriend?" I asked her

She looked at me raising her eyebrow. Her face is tell me that I asked the wrong question.

"It's not something I want. And something i need right now" she answered.

I shrugged my shoulders then said okay.

"Im just askin'" i said

"Eat" she replied

After eating, Gina went home. I looked at the clock and its still early. 10AM? Why is it feels like I did a lot already? I lay on the couch and stare at the ceiling.
"Mau, what d'you gonna do with your life? If ever you stil have?" I told myself

Gina's right. You don't need a man to help you or to care for you. I'm gonna be happy without knowing who's the carrier of this virus. And without a partner for the rest of my life. If they know my health condition, nobody's gonna accept me or even commit. Like you're digging your own grave in advance. It's so hard to find someone who will accpet me and love me inspite of my condition. I cannot have a family since it's in my DNA. I will pass this to my husband and my baby.

"What am I thinking?!!! Husband? Baby? Idiot." I said to myself. I'm a worthless creature wandering on earth. I cannot find my purpose because I don't have it. I feel so nothing. Like I don't know how to live my life and it will be taken away from me anytime soon. I never met someone who's gonna love me. And will never since I'm now infected.

I got up to clear my stupid thoughts and decided to take a bath. I just keep on wondering what will I do tomorrow? I mean, i have a job though but it's not new. Nothing's new besides my illness. I don't know what to do to make me feel okay. After bath, I decided to clean the house and organized the old furnitures. Still the furnitures my parents left. I went to their old room and opened their wardrobe. I went to the kitchen to get a large garbage bag and renturned to the room. I took a deep breath while reminiscing the time I was so young and left here all alone. I used to get my mother's or my father's clothes and hug it until I fall asleep to wipe the anxiety in me. Their scent was my comfort back then until I started to hate that scent.

I threw their clothes in the garbage bag and also throwing the possibilty that I will see them once again.

I guess they're happy now. Who am I to ask for their presence? I'm just a result of a wrong relationship. And it will never change.

I dumped the trash outside the house. Tomorrow, a track of garbage will come and pick that up. I will never see it again.

Yeah.. I think Yoga's not bad after all.