Dead Inside

Facing the Past

     I'm sitting at home in my room later on that night, just pondering the events of the day. Nothing went the way I expected it to. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed it today, but I was just not prepared for the things I discovered. It made me realize just how precious time was, how I need to be living everyday as if it was my last. Live my life on the edge everyday. One day I won't wake up and I will regret everything I didn't do for all eternity. Suddenly my phone went off, notifying me that I got a message.
     "Don't fail me" was the message I received from an unknown number. I'm not sure how to respond to this because I've seen it so many times. Yet I don't have time to respond, because just as soon as I get the message I lose control. The demon has returned to take control. I find myself getting up once again to go to the shed. This time I have no will to fight it, I have learned that I have no control in this situation. Everything in me is controlled by this demon that has been assigned to me.
     I walk past my mom and her boyfriend watching tv on the couch. I pass by my brothers' room, seeing them sprawled across their floor reading comics. Then I'm out the back door, out into the clear starry night. I feel a sense of happiness in my family. I get to the shed and find that it's locked, thus causing me to stop. Yet it didn't stop this thing controlling me, we walked straight through the wall. Instead of falling into the abyss, or walking into a live action scene of life, I find an empty room with a chair. I walk over to the chair and sit down. A screen drops down in front of me.
     The screen begins to play my life over. All the mistakes, the trouble I caused, the times I was made fun of, the times I sat in my room crying. I hear voices begin to laugh, and look around me to find the room filled with others laughing at my life. They are all there laughing at and judging my life, as if they saw me as a joke. My life was on display for the world to see, every unfiltered piece of my messed up life. I begin to cry as the laughs continue on. The ridicule gets louder in my ears as I am forced to sit still and listen. I am forced to take..........
      Something in me clicks. What about the time I learned to ride a bike. Or the times we went swimming every summer. Or the time I won a science competition in 3rd grade. What about the good times in my life. The voices begin to grow quieter, as it all begins to come together. My past has come back to haunt me; that's what all this is. My past is trying to destroy my future. I act as if I have nothing to live for as I look at my life. Yet there is so much to look forward to in the years to come.
     "Don't fail me" the words come as a desperate plea as I begin to fight for my freedom. I determine that I will not be held down by my past anymore. I was made to live in the present for the future. We were never made to live in the past, if that were the case time travel would exist. I find myself chained to my past, allowing it to take control of my life anytime it chooses. It drags me into pain, and keeps me from living my life to the fullest. Yet I refuse to let my past control me any longer. Those mistakes are to be learned from. We live and we learn, not live and relive.
     I gain control of my body once more. "Don't fail me" I hear the words once more, the voice seeming more desperate. I jump up and make a dash for the door of this room of failure. I run out and keep running until I find myself back on the dusty floor of that shed. I see the demon figure that has been following me, only it seems much smaller than I remember it being. I find that my past is just a memory to be remembered, not a drama to be relived. So why do I continue to relive it. I climb through the window, considering the door is still locked from the outside.
     I stand outside the shed and stare at it for a moment. In there is the very essence of control in my life. I decide to take back the control from my past. I go around back to the gas cans we keep; I pour a line around the full perimeter of the shed. Then I throw the can inside through the window. Quietly and quickly I go inside to my room for matches. I see my box of memories sitting on the floor by my desk; "Don't fail me" I hear once more. I gather the box and the matches and head out the door. I throw the box through the window, then strike a match. With one last look at my life, I look at the flame of my future. Then I toss the match through the window. I stand back as the shed erupts into a ball of fire, representing the very flame I feel within my being. I am ready for my life to begin now, no more living in the past.
     The sun slowly peeked through the curtains of my room, thus forcing me to wake. I look at the clock to see that its 11:25 pm. How has it already been night and day. Wait...I'm in a mental hospital..... Yes, I'm in a hospital..... I look down at my wrists and remember how I went deep with my cuts; too deep. I look over at my mom sitting beside me. "What happened," I ask. She tells me that I slit my wrists in a suicide attempt, I've been out cold for a couple days. Slowly I realize that my experiences were nothing but a dream. The best dream I ever could have had. I have time today to make something of my life. I can be someone starting today. I feel this uncontainable joy bubble up inside me; I'm ready to go now. I jump up and wrap my arms around my mom, thanking her for being there and taking her time for me. Then I sit back. I love my life as it is, and I have a bright and ready future.
     And so do you my friend. Live your life to the fullest, don't take advantage of the time you have. Tell your parents you love them, take your siblings to the park. Stop daydreaming about that person and do something about it, no matter how small you may feel compared to them. Go skydiving, bunjee jumping, or disco dancing. You will never know unless you take a risk. Tomorrow isn't promised, but today is here; so be the hero of your story. Don't wait till it's too late, live like your next breathe is your last. Keep your head up, your heart light, and live to the fullest.