Dead Inside

Falling into the Abyss

     I set the note aside and thought for a moment. A hurricane of questions roared through my being. Who wrote the note? Who would have the audacity to give me such a note after what happened? What did I fail at? They gotta be a bit more specific, I tend to fail at everything. As I set there on my bed i see a dark figure move outside my window, which snaps me back to reality. What was that? The boys aren't supposed to be home for another 3 hours, and mom would have called saying she was coming home early. I don't have any friends who would possibly be coming around. Maybe it was an animal running past in broad daylight. Then again it would have been a big animal. I get up the nerve to go outside and check around.
     I make my way around our little house; checking the sides, front and back. upon seeing nothing of major concern i begin to walk towards the front door to go back inside. Then I saw it again....making its way around the corner of the house, towards the backyard. My heart races, totally forgot I had one of those things as of late; a heart I mean. I stand frozen to the ground for a solid 3 minutes. Then as if possessed, my body began to move towards the backyard. I look around and see nothing but our outdated little shed. But for some reason this force possessing me was pulling towards that shed.
     I open the door and am immediately overwhelmed with a a sense of fear. Not the fears I've lived with all my life; rejection, failure, not being good enough. This is a totally different fear, a fear of the future. What might happen in the time to come. And just like that I was falling into a deep, lifeless abyss. I was screaming in my mind, scared for my life; yet no sound could escape my lips. I wanted to run for my life, but my limbs wouldn't move for anything. Then I heard a voice.
     It was my fathers voice.....talking about how it was a mistake. That he never wanted to be a father. Then I heard my mother, but only heard her tears. I never knew tears had a sound. Yet the only way I could explain it is that with every drop I heard all the unheard whispers. The words spoken in pain, and every hurt was released in a little drop. It was the most fragile, but strongest sound. Then there was another voice. I didn't quite recognize it, seemed distant and quiet. Yet I could somehow make out the muffled sounds of a boy's voice. Then like death it all went silent.
     My feet hit solid ground, but I still couldn't make a sound or move a muscle. All was still dark as night. Then a hand layed on my shoulder.... I nearly jumped out of my skin. I wanted to scream, yell, run, fight; but all I could do was stand. "You failed," was what I heard next. The words alone sent a shiver down my spine. "Don't fail next time, or the results will be much more disastrous." I began to shake in terror. Not only was the very thought of failure terrifying, but this voice was horrible. Like the sound of a rat, carrying the vibrance of an amy, but the silky smooth eloquence of the finest politicians. It spoke in a gruff way, as if it was hard to speak. But I was too scared to think about that right now.
     Off in the distance I saw a light, as if it was the outline of a door. Just then the hand was removed from my shoulder, and my body loosed. I stood frozen for a moment, not sure what to do. Before I overthought it too much I made a dash for the light. Running at my full speed, but it seemed like my feet were made of lead and I was being slowed down. Unaware of what was going on, I ran right off a cliff just a few feet from the door. I fell again for what seemed like an eternity. Then I landed with a thud. I look around me and see my surroundings. Looks like I'm back in the shed. I slowly crawl to my hands and knees, heading for the door.
     I grab the doorknob slowly opening up the door, just in case there's something waiting on the other side. I'm relieved to find that it's just my house, looking the same it did just a couple hours ago. I get back up on my feet and head back to the house, trying to forget everything that just happened. I realize I'm actually hungry, so I stop off in the kitchen to grab some food and water. I stop when I see a note on the fridge. It wasn't there when I came home, nor when I went outside just a few hours ago. So I take it off and open it up to read. "Your brothers are at school, and they have another friend's house to go to after school. So dinner is whatever you want."
     Confused all the more, I run to my room searching for my phone. I find it and see that I have several texts and missed calls from Andy. Several more from my mom. Then two more very intriguing messages, both striking terror in my heart. The first simply read: "don't fail." The second read: "Please don't do anything stupid, we need you still. Both were unknown numbers. I sat utterly confused, terrified, and exhausted. Things just weren't adding up, and I couldn't stand it. I crawl under my bed searching for a little loose flap in the carpet. I finally find it and pull out a blade. It's the only place I can hide an emergency blade.
     I sit on my bed, feeling the cold metal between my fingers. The blade slowly drags across my arm. I'm tired of feeling, and don't know what to feel. The crimson red blood begins to slowly drip from the slits in my skin. As the dark begins to flow through the cracks in my being. Another slice across my arm, then another, and another. A puddle begins to form on the mat by my bed. Tears won't come to my eyes, so they must flow from my arms disguised as blood. I feel terrible and this seems to be my only connection to this world. Only the pain I feel.
    I sit back and it all begins to come together.... I pick up my phone and call Andy, blood still dripping from my arm. He quicly picks up and answers with a tremble in his voice. "What happened with you?" he asks. I couldn't give an explanation because I myself couldn't figure out what happened with me. So I simply ask what day it was. " You have been absent from school for the past two days," Andy replies. I drop the phone in disbelief. How could I have been out for two whole days, it only felt like a couple hours. How come there wasn't anyone looking for me. Wouldn't they have found me in the shed? I don't know if it was from sheer terror or the loss of blood, but I felt nauseaus after a moment. Then everything went black.