Dead Inside

Voices In My Mind

     It's a gloomy Sunday morning down here in Texas. I was planning on going to the school today to look at the tree, but I'm sure the school grounds is closed on Sunday. So I decide to stay in and just try to be happy before going back into the world. I wake up and notice an interesting smell, that of bacon. If there's anything in this world that motivates me to get out of bed it's that. I get up and dressed, then head downstairs to find my mom cooking breakfast. "I thought you had work today," I said. "Yes I do, but I don't have to go in until later tonight. Managed to get some time to spend with you guys." I was not going to complain about that, it's been awhile since she had time for anything. Always working and being busy.
     "Would you go get your brothers for me, I think they're still in bed; but this food isn't going to stay hot forever" my mom said. So I head to the boys' room to get them up. Sure enough they were both sleeping like a rock, far off in a land of dreams. I manage to wake them though, they're eyes grew wide when they smelled the scent in the air. It's always a good day when mom cooks. They both jumped up and ran into the kitchen, taking a seat at the table where they're plates were awaiting them.
     Breakfast was filled with smiles and laughs, mom seemed in a very unusually good mood this morning. I haven't seen her this happy in a long time. When we were all finished with breakfast, I helped mom clean up the kitchen, while Tommy and Joseph went back to their room to get dressed. Mom announced that we were going to the park this morning, then to get ice cream before she had to go in to work. I'm glad that things are good today, but I can't help but feeling that there is more to this story than what my mom is telling.
     After all is clean and we're all dressed, we get into the car to head to the park. Mom turned on the radio and they started singing along, a fun session of car karaoke. Mom has a beautiful voice, was in the choir from 6th grade to graduation. She doesn't sing much anymore, which is a shame because I enjoy listening. The boys on the other hand, they sound like a bunch of birds in a screaming match. These are the days I enjoy, no matter how annoying that sound is. I was glad when they shut up as we parked the car. It didn't take long for Tommy and Joseph to jump out of the car and run. I simply sat there and smiled watching them.
     Mom and I found a bench to sit at, to watch the boys as they run around the park. I look at her smiling, wondering what was behind that smile. I finally got up the nerve to ask what was going on. "Well, you see, I met this guy while I was working." I had to stop her right there. What does she mean that she met a guy, like was this a serious thing; and how does this guy make her smile more than her own kids. "I asked that he move in with us, he would take care of us. He loves kids, can fix up our house, and a good sufficient job to take care of us," she said as if to make this sound good. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy she found someone, but why would a stranger move inwith us? "How long has this been on," I ask. "We've been talking for about 7 months, been out a few times." 
     "7 months?! and how come I'm just now hearing about this?" I ask. "Well dear, first off you don't need to all that I go through. Second I didn't want to say anything to you guys and then it all doesn't work out." That makes a bit of sense, but at the same time mom usually tells me these things. "I need some time to think about this, I'm going for a walk. I will see you later." Mom stops me, "I know this is a lot, but please don't try anything. And try not to be mad about it." I reassure her that I'm not mad at her, I just need to think about this.
     As I'm walking away, I see something out of the corner of my eye. It looked to be a black figure running by me. Yet I looked around and saw no one who matched that description. Then I realized what it was, it was that thing that I saw at the house. Suddenly it was happening again. It took control of my body, and I found myself making a sprint to my house. While I was running, I passed that girl from the party. She was taking a run on the sidewalk, when she saw me she looked a bit confused. I ran right past her, unable to stop for anything. I managed to turn my head and saw that she had changed courses and was now running after me.
     I finally get to my house, with her trailing behind me a ways back. Whatever possessed me decided it was a good time to stop and walk before I pass out. So I am forced to walk around the house, unable to speak or yell out. I make my way to the shed, the one place I don't want to be. I open the door and go inside, shutting and locking the door behind me. And just like that I was falling into the black.
     Again I hear voices, the voices inside my head. "You are stupid" "You have no purpose" "Why don't you just die" "You are a failure" "You will never get better" "Just give up." The voices continue, they grow louder and louder. Yet I hear a voice off in the distance, the sound of a girls voice. Calling out to me, but it's quickly drowned out by the sound of the voices in my mind. I continue to fall, losing track of all time. I lose the will to live, wishing all this would come to an end. The voices get louder, tearing me apart from the inside. The devastation I feel in my bones far outweighs any emotion I may have felt before. The anger roars through me, lighting a flame inside to consue my very being. A never ending abuse destroys me, asking for my everything, waiting for me to give in and hand it all over. I close my eyes and just want to die.
     All goes still, and I hit the ground. I lay for a time, before getting up the nerves to open my eyes. I'm back in the shed, but still in hell. I still hear the voices, and feel the pain deep within me. I look up at the wall, my heart skipping a beat when I see the words: "Do not fail." Those words are a plague to me, I can never escape this destruction. Oh what I would give up to never hear those words. I get up to leave the shed, but manage to trip over this box laying in the middle of the room.
     It looks like an old box, probably been here for awhile. It has a lock on it, i find a hammer and smash the lock. It was a bit corroded so it didn't take much force to come off. I lift the lid with caution, unsure of what may come out. Then again, after all my experiences in the past couple weeks I'm not sure of anything anymore. I look inside the box and draw back with a gasp at what I see.