The way I felt

Chapter four // Scared

     Scared was the way I felt when I saw River standing at my door. It was fairly early in the morning and I had no idea why he was here. I was not ready for the mixed emotions that come from being in River's presence. I take a deep breath and slowly open the door to rivers charming smile.
" What did I do to deserve you presence so early in the day?" I ask sarcastically.
"Well... I was wondering if you were busy today?" He smiled at me.
"It truly depends on why you're asking," I reply.
" Well I have been meaning to ask you if you wanna hang out.. like a date maybe..?" I roll my eyes and he quickly adds " As friends of course!!"
I take a deep breathe and consider what he just asked me. I began weighing out why I should and shouldn't go. I do enjoy being in his presence but that terrifies me. There are so many things that could go wrong. I could actually start feeling something for him and that's my worst nightmare. I don't know what compelled me to agree but I quickly respond "Fine but as friends. Nothing more."
With that he smiles and winks," oh of course." I tell him that I need to go back inside and change and that he can meet me back here in an hour.
What did I just agree to? I feel my heart drop to the bottom of my stomach. He made me lose control over my emotions and I didn't like that. Then again it's not like I had much control to begin with. I took a deep breath and reached for my moms pills. Just one to ease my nerves. In a way I feel like it's not abuse if it actually numbs my pain. I'm not sure if I tell myself this to avoid facing the fact that I cannot function without or if maybe I am right.
I grab my go to outfit that looks like I'm trying but not to hard. Comfortable yoga pants and a flowy black top I got from the thrift store. He can't think I'm trying to impress him because I'm definitley not. Right? I have a war inside of my head. Racing thoughts battling against each other. All the while I have to pretend like everything's fine.
I feel like most people have a war in their mind. Everyone asks how is your day? How are you doing? But they ask this out of curtesy. Nobody genuinely cares. Imagine if I answered with how I'm actually doing. "I'm miserable hopeless and I'm pretty sure I'm not cut out for this world. I'm hoping maybe I don't wake up in the morning because this whole game of life seems like a lot of work to just be let down when it's over." They would probably respond with "I'm sorry to hear that." And walk away as quickly as they could.
As I put on my clothes I realize what is about to happen. I'm basically going on a date with the boy next door. How cliche. I could've just said no but something possessed me to agree. I just can't let myself get to close.

I soon hear another knock at the door and I my heart sinks further into my chest. Here we go. Deep breaths. I walk down the stairs and open the door to see River practically glowing.
"Why are you always smiling like that?" I question
"What? I cant be happy a cute girl like you is going on a date with me?" He says seductively.
"This isn't a date!!!" I exclaim.
"Whatever you say babe."
I roll my eyes and lock the door behind me. "So what are we even doing today?" I ask curiously. He doesn't say anything he just smiles. I roll my eyes once more and follow him blindly. I notice that he has a giant backpack that seemed to be weighed down from the contents inside.We walked towards the woods and I hesitate before entering the unknown. He sensed my nervousness and told me not to worry because he's not a serial killer. That's exactly what a serial killer would say..
We walk down an overgrown path and I have to admit it was beautiful. The trees were green and lush. Rocks were placed on the outskirts of where a trail once was. My mind goes blank and I just take in the scenery. My breath deepens and a since of calm washes over me. I almost forget that I'm not alone. River interrupts my lack of thought and says "We are almost there.. This place has become very special to me. This is where I come to meditate and recharge my energy."
Soon enough we come to a clearing with big flat rocks that looked like the perfect place to bathe in the sun whilst being completely engulfed in the forest. Surrounding the rocks were beautiful green willows and tall grass scattered with wild flowers. The beauty took my breath away.
"Amazing," I mutter under my breathe.
"Isn't it?" He replied while unpacking his bag. He pulls out a large tapestry adorned with what looked like Indian writing and a beautiful looking spirit of some sort. He tells me it's Krsna and explains to me that that's his god. He further explains what it's about and it's more about spirituality than organized religion. I respected that. I hated organized religion. How can you claim to be about love when you use your ideas of god to judge and tell others that they are wrong?
He then pulls out a pad of white paper and what looked like acrylic paints. Along with that he pulls out rolling papers and a bag of weed. I liked smoking weed I just usually stuck with my go to's (Xanax and alcohol).
"Do you smoke?" He asks.
"Sometimes. Today might be one of those times," I reply.
He sat next to me and began rolling the joint. I could tell that he was thinking. Not sure what about but definitley something profound. River seemed to always be light but see a deeper meaning to life at the same time. It's like he knows the secret to what this whole life shit is about. That was one of the things I liked about him. His positivity though annoying was also contagious. I wanted what he had.
He looked into space and let his mind slip away and I knew he had so many running thoughts to slip away from he grabbed the lighter and took a hit whilst breathing in his eyes looked far off into the distance and with every breathe inward was every idea slowly fading away and suddenly the only thing that really mattered was that moment then and there. Everything was beautiful. Everything, in one way or another was connected.It left me in awe.
I had always felt so distant from everything but In that moment I was everything. I looked over at River again and he was already looking at me. He smiled and put his hand on my thigh. For some reason this time I wasn't so afraid. I liked the sensation of physical touch it had felt so long since I had that feeling. Thoughts of my ex come rushing back. For the first time in a long time I had forgotten and let my guard down.
Why must River's fingertips bring back the feeling of his? The darkness found its way back to me and covered me like a blanket. My eyes were squeezed shut and my body sat still. I let his hand remain on my thigh even though it was painful. I wanted to push through this because aside from the fact that it brings back painful memory's it also was starting to replace them with good ones.
"What are you thinking about?" He asks. I took a moment to answer. I wanted to be honest but that would be revealing to much. I attempt to explain what I was thinking in the most vague manner that I could.
"It scares me to even consider letting someone into my life," I say quietly.
" Elle, I would never hurt you ."
I had heard those words before.. I then began to say to much. I was overcome with emotion and he needed to know.
"I've heard that before and it felt so genuine in the moment. Yet it was proven to be a lie. You don't know what it's like to finally let someone in.. let someone see you. Vulnerable... Naked... and then for the person you thought truly cared about you turn around and stab you in the back. Then you realize they never meant it in the first place. My life, my emotions were pure entertainment. I don't trust anyone anymore," I respond immediately regretting the words that came from my mouth.
"Elle... I do know what that feels like. You really don't know much about me or what I've gone through," he says avoiding eye contact.
"Than why are you so willing to let someone in. If you really knew what it was like how are you so care free? I don't understand!" He just looked at me. A few moments went by and he finally responds.
"Elle losing the girl that I loved was the best thing that ever happened to me. I would have done anything for her. I looked at her like she was the most amazing person I had ever met. I let her see parts of me not even I understood. And when she learned everything she possibly could.. my weaknesses my strengths... She used it all against me. She broke me down over and over with the shit that dug the deepest. She would tear me down so far just to watch me drown, and then come back and be the one to save me. She was manipulative and beautiful. I loved her so much that I was ignorant to the fact that she was the reason I was so lost.. Now I could be miserable about what she did to me and how much she hurt me but instead I'm grateful for that exactly."
I just stared at him. I didn't know what to say. Maybe he did know what it felt like. The relationship he described was so similar to mine. I could hear the pain in his voice and how it slowly turned to acceptance. I considered that maybe at this point I was the reason I was so miserable. I had let myself sulk for so long and swore that I would never let myself feel again. Maybe I'm perpetuating this cycle of depression.
I put my hand on his and he quickly started holding mine. It felt so right. I had a glimpse of what it was like to feel.. understood.. and maybe hopeful.
We got so lost in our conversation that we didn't realize it was starting to get dark. We didn't even end up painting at all but I didn't mind. We put things away without saying much of anything. In the silence we could feel each other's energy. As we walked back our hands stayed connected. I felt warm. When we finally reached my door he says to me that we can go as slow as I want. He then asked if I would give him a chance. Without a word I grab his arm and pull him in closer to me. His lips felt like a magnet and I didn't even attempt denying it. When we kissed it felt powerful. It felt soft and sweet at the same time. I fell in deeper to him and let it go on for a while longer.
"I'll see you soon," I said with a smile.
"Inevitably," he responds with a laugh.
That was when my perspective started to shift.