The way I felt

Chapter one // Relieved

Relieved is the way I felt when I heard the last bell of the year ring. Finally the constant stress and pressure builded up against me taken away and no longer was this facade of perfection plastered in my brain. I gathered my things and placed them in my bag quickly exiting the people filled hallways.
Ew.
People.
People are toxic, with people comes feelings, and with feelings comes pain. And I cannot bear to feel any more pain on my shoulders because my legs are already tired.
I got in my car with mixed feelings due to having three months absorbed in myself with many less distractions.
I turned up the music and I felt in the mood for something happy. Sublime it is.
The car ride from school is barley a ride. About two minutes if that. So I quickly arrived to my home. That is when I noticed something strange, the house next to ours that had been basically empty for the three years that I've lived here had a moving truck in the driveway. New neighbors? Great new people to be forced to converse with. You know those kinda conversations that are really awkward and hard to politely tell them to go away.
I open the door to my room and collapse on my bed. Home At last. I looked up to the ceiling letting my mind get lost in the ridges of the walls. Quickly my relaxation was broken when I heard my doorbell ring and soon after my dog barking. Thankfully my mother was home to open the door. Voices of strangers and my mom being ridiculously polite and "happy".
It's peculiar isn't it. How we pretend to have it all even when we feel like we In fact have nothing.
They talked on and on asking questions they didn't care to know the answer to and finally came to an end.
I heard my mothers feet pound against the stairs and than my door opened.
"We have new neighbors!"
" yes I saw"
She looked disappointed at my non excitement.
" there's a boy a year older than you and a girl In third grade I think. They seem very nice"
" oh cool" I kept my answers as short as possible so eventually she would get bored leave me to dwell with dark cloud hanging over my head.
I let my eyes wander around the room until they came to a stop at the picture hung up on my wall. It was nothing special just an abstract design of someone's confused mind plastered on paper. But then again it was special because he used to really like it. He being my ex boyfriend that I still was hopelessly infatuated with. As soon as I see anything that reminds me of him it comes crashing back on top of me making it hard to breathe again.
Do you need water to feel like you are drowning? Or can You sink in a pool of your own regret. I cannot decide if love is a blessing or a curse. It's both I suppose. Love is the source of the strongest emotions. Without love there is no hate. You couldn't possibly hate someone so much if you didn't love them to. It sounds peculiar but if you felt it you'd know what I meant
People ask me what it was about him that made me love him so much and I laugh. Even if it was all a lie it was the most beautiful tale ever told.. You could say he found me at the right place and the right time.. I was vulnerable and a sad soul masked by a smiling girl that liked to laugh.
And he saw me.. He really saw me.. And nobody else had before. It was frightening and wonderful at the same time. He made me feel like the only thing that was lost were my eyes in his. The feeling is very hard to explain.. It's the closest thing to god I think that there is.
Loving someone is the most brave and dangerous thing you can do. You take down this wall you've spent your entire life building, and you show someone the darkest part of yourself hoping and praying that they will never use it against you. Falling in love is taking a chance that I'm not sure is worth taking.
I had my guard so high up but the second he put his lips on mine it came tumbling down. And he resurrected the parts of me that I didn't realize I still had. He told me that he would love me In spite of my darkness and that we would save each other.
So I gave him everything I had and he took it. But it wasn't good enough. He told me that were both just to sad to be together and that all I was doing was weighing him down. And that killed me. I realized that none of this was ever about me. It was about him playing with my emotions just for fun.
So lower did I sink with no wall to protect me. I remember laying in bed being so paralyzed by the pain that I couldn't even get up. I was just so hurt and so lost. Everyone didn't understand and they were angry at me. They thought that I was trying to make there life more difficult as if i could even put in the effort I was to broken to break someone else. I was just to sad to be what everyone wanted me to be.
I'm a little better now. I've learned to block out the thoughts of him. But that doesn't take away the pain. Thinking of him is emotional suicide. I've trained my mouth to taste of poison if his name sprouts from my lips. But blocking that out means blocking everything out and with that there's no room to get better.
I've learned that nobody can save you if you're already gone. So I will continue to live this life with sunken eyes and a broken heart because there is no remedy for this kind of pain.